Guest Folio Introduction

Elizabeth Graver

I first met artist Mary Lum in 1994 at MacDowell, an artists’ residency program in rural New Hampshire, where we shared the gift of a month spent immersed in our own work inside a community of writers, artists, and composers. I don’t think I’m projecting back too much to say that I could tell that there was something extraordinary about Mary from the start. Call it a quality of attention, maybe, the way she was always looking—out at the world with all its grids and scraps, colors, layers, echoes, bifurcations, and inward, at ideas and habits of thought, and then outward again, during long conversations that bloomed between us over dinner or on walks before we returned to our studios to work—or was it play? For Mary, they seemed, more than for most artists (we could grumble and groan) to be the same thing. She told me she collected books. Red ones. All red. It was unclear why, and she didn’t explain. I remember she walked a lot, and that she spent several months each year wandering around Paris, where I’d also lived and wandered. As a presence, Mary was at once unfailingly friendly and unusually self-possessed. Sometime during that month, she shared with me that she never got lonely. I was struck, then as now, by the singular pleasure she took in inhabiting her own perceptual field as it interacted with the world.

We became good friends and have remained so ever since, bonding over both words—I write novels, Mary is a voracious reader—and images, which, for Mary, are sometimes also words, as in the gorgeous tapestry she designed for St. John’s College Library at Oxford University, “St John’s Primer,” comprised of woven fragments of texts from many different languages and eras, or the wall of text hanging at MASS MoCA in North Adams, Massachusetts that reads “Assembly, LOREM IPSUM,” a bold play on the text used by typesetters as filler for actual text.  

Mary’s work, whether painting, collage, comic, sculpture, or tapestry, is an invitation to cross over into a space full of both temporal and visual layers, a kind of dreamscape, dizzying, provocative. Beautiful or broken, sometimes both at once. As she walks the city (usually but not always Paris), she sees, then helps us see. As art critic John Yau wrote in a February 2022 review in Hyperallergic, “Lum’s walks become ‘a space of enunciation’ in which she has gathered (or appropriated) a wide range of things that she cuts and arranges. The sharply angled arrangements convey both the vertigo that walking around a city can induce in individuals who are open to what they see, and the memories this might spark. Her paintings and collage are architectonic, with planes abutting alongside open, layered forms, evoking shop windows and walls, reflections and glimpses. Lum also incorporates phrases and words, which she cuts horizontally, shifting the lower and upper parts. Or she presents the words upside down, repeatedly, like a visual stutter, seen partially so they are unreadable. This asemic impulse allows a mental space to open up in the viewer, while the visual stutter invites us to enunciate the staccato repetitions of sounds we hear and see when we walk through the city.”

For this folio, I invited a small group of writers and artists to join Mary Lum in a “space of enunciation” by using one of her collages (reproduced on the cover) as a springboard for their own poetry, prose, or comics. I gave no instructions beyond length (approximately 1000 words, or under two pages). The results are, I think, quite dazzling as individual pieces, but even more wonderful is how they sit in conversation with Mary’s collage and with each other, the folio itself a kind of collage with different pieces speaking not only to Mary’s art but also (if unintentionally) to each other, like disparate birds alighting for a moment in a tree. 

Genevieve DeLeon, who is both a visual artist and a poet, wrote a poem that ladders up and down the page as it asks questions about the gifts and limits of imposing structure and letting go. Karin Davison, Christine A. Neu, and Ramona Reeves wrote resonant flash fiction stories filled with atlases and canvases, windows and borders, long distance calls, unmet desire, the loneliness and tug of home. The three graphic artists met image with image: Franklin Einspruch with his “autumn road” amidst the thicket—gesture, pause or invitation; Jonathan Todd’s “History of American Comics,” vaulting us through time; Will Dowd’s compressed biography of another visual artist, Agnes Martin, who loved grids, as Mary does, but fled the city for the mesa of New Mexico, living alone for decades in an adobe shack. Yang Huang turned Mary’s image into a kind of memory palace, using it to travel to past places, even as she noted that “the spaces between the images is what occupies most of my days.”   

“When walking or driving in the city,” Mary Lum said in a 2009 interview in Bomb, “it is sometimes possible to detect the poetic subconscious of the place, the thing we cannot see but can only occasionally access through feeling. The sharp attention required for this experience comes from extensive looking (for nothing in particular), walking without distraction but implicitly always distracted.” 

Here, in these pages, you will find both sharp attention and extensive looking.  

Enter, and enjoy. 


Elizabeth Graver’s new novel, Kantika (“song” in Ladino), was inspired by her maternal grandmother, who was born into a Sephardic Jewish family in Istanbul and whose journey took her to Spain, Cuba, and New York. Kantika came out in April 2023; German and Turkish editions are forthcoming. Elizabeth’s fourth novel, The End of the Point, was long-listed for the 2013 National Book Award in Fiction. Her other novels are AwakeThe Honey Thief, and Unravelling. Her story collection, Have You Seen Me?, won the 1991 Drue Heinz Literature Prize. She teaches at Boston College and is proud to feature the work of several former students in this issue’s folio.

Muse Found in a Colonized Body, by Yesenia Montilla

Felicia Zamora

Desire. Each of us longs for something, someone, sometime, some ___, some ___, some ___. Yesenia Montilla’s book Muse Found in a Colonized Body understands desire—the fruit, the phloem, the cambium, even the heartwood and pith, but most importantly, the roots. What does it mean to desire the muse inside the self, inside this messy home, rather than separate from us? 

Here is where I fall for this book, in the profoundness of desire in collision with revelation: we are our own muse. 

And the muse inside us soaks up our environment; we grow reaching both skyward and digging in dense soil. For Black, Brown and marginalized folx that muse comes with a hard, jagged history in this country—forced demons. “I want to be/ the caretaker of lovely things—// but trauma is inherited & talking is all I know—” (“Muse Found in a Colonized Body” VII). The emphasis here on the desire to be—a theme in the narrative that intoxicates this book. 

My favorite movie is The Usual Suspects and one scene I love is where the character, Roger “Verbal” Kint (AKA…[spoiler alert, but not really ’cause it’s a 1995 film ya’ll] Keyser Söze), tells Special Agent Dave Kujan, “The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world that he did not exist.” Charles Baudelaire wrote something similar in 1864. I think of this quote in reading Montilla’s book because, like the devil, colonization and whiteness try to convince Black and Brown folx that the damages to us are over, or never existed at all. Montilla’s book ruptures these lies. This rupture is what makes this book so damn thirsty, so full of fire, so heavy with truths that Montilla holds in front of us, boldly, unabashedly as if to say, Don’t you dare look away. This is the type of poetry that makes my arm hairs stand on end. This is a blessing. 

The tendons of this book are the echoing eleven poems—all labeled the same as the book title, and sequentially marked with roman numerals—that serve as both individual poems and section dividers. “Muse Found in a Colonized Body” I, II, III, and so forth. To pay an homage to the book’s muscular structure, I give you a limited compendium of eleven things I love about this book to entice you, dear reader. 

I. These poems undo colonization’s snare and lay bare the body/muse unity that are made from, but not bound to, any superimposed inherited grief. Here the voices don’t pretend. The not pretending exposes both ache and liberation. In “Some Notes on Being Human,” the voice confesses, “It’s the dead people I can’t handle/ So many and I fear we all have our hands/ in it.” These speak to the viscous murders of Black and Brown people in America. The implication of the self exists here, but more importantly the possibility for change resounds in the end where the voice gives up the “humanist prize” as Zakiyyah Iman Jackson would say, “because I imagine the only way to save humanity/ is to be a little less human.” To decolonize the self, a giving up of the label “human” is necessary, as whiteness never allowed Black and Brown people to be “human.” 

II. Holy obsession that sees my obsession. Em dash. Em dash. Em dash. I have an infatuation with both the em dash and the colons (semi and regular) in my own writing. This book floods with the em dash in delicious ways. Montilla’s use of space after the em dash at the end of forty-three poems (yes, forty-three…wow oh wow) marks the ghosts of continuation where these cliff-drop moments are bound to the em dash in how the space and silence live on after the language ceases. In “Muse Found in a Colonized Body” V. the poem ends, “The honeybees are dying/ & the grains are all GMO/ We ruin everything. &/ we still beg for beauty—” with the simultaneity of a gut punch and reclamation. 

III. Because these em dashes with space also remind me of “Declaration” by Tracy K. Smith and all that erasure does to a body. 

IV. Montilla even uses the em dash at the end of the title “When Malcom Wins the Lottery He Buys Me—”! Swoon. 

V. Any poem that works in Idris Elba. Sexual emphasis a bonus. 

VI. Reclaiming the vastness of the internal (muse’s home) while also acknowledging the burning one feels to have been a servant out of oppressed unknowing, but now a servant no longer. “Today I am a city, with a hospital/ & a police force, a fire department too/ so I can put myself out—” (“Muse Found in a Colonized Body” XI). 

VII. A poem that declares, “I am so fucking gorgeous” while ruminating over Tinder and echoes Marilyn Nelson’s poem “Pigeon and Hawk” but through imaginative scenarios. 

VIII. “I shackle my intentions & feast with my eyes…the snake that eats itself from the tail, eventually it/ chokes on everything, its rough scales, its heart all/ colonized & tender, the whole world becomes its/ body half-eaten & dragging in the dirt—” (“Muse Found in a Colonized Body” I). Enough said. 

IX. Tensions between burning the world down and loving it harder by letting it in.

X. Eartha Kitt in a threesome. Eartha Kitt in a threesome with James Dean and Paul Newman. A poem with Eartha Kitt in a threesome that really meditates on safety. 

XI. The last. Damn. Poem. “Having lost everything she touched/ her own body     & became cattle/ she ate the world ate it all—” (“Muse Found in Magical Realism”). Again with how we ingest the world—the importance of roots. Not only where we sprout from, what we imbibe, but how we self-actualize.


Felicia Zamora is the author of six poetry collections including I Always Carry My Bones, winner of the Iowa Poetry Prize and the 2022 Ohioana Book Award in Poetry. She is the recipient of the 2022 Loraine Williams Poetry Prize from The Georgia Review, a 2022 Tin House Next Book Residency, and a 2022 Ohio Arts Council Individual Excellence Award. Her poems appear in Boston Review, The Georgia Review, Guernica, Orion, The Nation, and others. She is an assistant professor of poetry at the University of Cincinnati and associate poetry editor for Colorado Review.

Ad Astra + Graftings

Robbie Gamble


Ad Astra

Fresh fox scat on the driveway    yet again
extrusions of purple berry mush strewn through

with bitty rodent bones   You’d think he owned
the place    and he does in deed if not on paper

skulking the swale behind the wellhead
resplendent in his rustiness     last rays before

dusk     You and I so difficult    dear reader
this house we’re building    words    your moods

the tick of seasons    and there’s a lyric trick
I often lean into    just about now    launching

the frame of reference skyward    a stratospheric
swoop    so we now gaze down on miniscule

floodplains   scattered cityglows    pulling away
from earth’s dark curve against a fling of stars

But no    this is just more shit on the drive    waiting
to get run over by the Subaru    or dissolve under

cold rain    How could a compassionate heart
swell to encompass     suffering    in all its spasms

landslides    tumors    shrapnel    psychoses
I think I’m losing track of you    me    Thou

Listen!    I’m breathing shallow in the dark
of my den    which is a room    not a burrow

under a phosphorescent vault    which is not
a constraint    for the hunter    or the haunted


Graftings

We took saws to the crowns of a row
of our trees, because our neighbor lost
his orchard to an onslaught of root-voracious
voles. His grief spilled to our side of the hill
and what could we do but offer up fresh limb-
stumps as havens for his refugee cuttings,
nobly-named scions culled from the genealogy
of apple: Baldwin, Dabinett, Pitmaston
Pineapple, Roxbury Russet. He schooled us
through ancient maneuvers of grafting: deft
knife-swipes to mark and lift tongues of bark
from trunkwood, cuttings beveled smooth
to slip into the pocket-wounds so cambium
aligns with cambium; tissues kissing
in the rising sap to meld and grow to one
healthy hybrid limb. This graftwork
is violent, amputations littering the field
under a cold indifferent drizzle, each tree
hunched and pathetic, brandishing one
solitary nurse branch spared to gather
this season’s solar charge for healing.
Far elsewhere, while we hacked and flensed,
shells rained down, seas crept up, our rights
continued to erode. I could say futility
gloomed across that orchard dusk, but
I would be wrong, for apple trees play
a long game of generosity. Wound my limbs,
they gesture, and in three years hence I will
feed you. Then, Crush my fruit, and drink.
Autumns come, governance dissolves,
and the harvest begins as I coolly tooth
through taut skin into a tart mouthscape.


Robbie Gamble (he/him) is the author of A Can of Pinto Beans (Lily Poetry Review Press, 2022). His poems have appeared in Salamander, LunchTicket, Whale Road Review, Rust + Moth, and The Sun. He divides his time between Boston and Vermont.

Rectangle

Allison Field Bell

We’re in a house in Oakland—Chris’s house. Bicycles and typewriters adorn the living room. The kitchen is cramped and smells of rotting fruit. In the morning, light spills in through the kitchen window casting shadows of the potted herbs that live there. Chris’s bedroom is a mattress on the floor. It’s a desk covered in papers and clothes. It’s one bookshelf with books haphazardly arranged. It’s all rectangles. His room is orange or yellow or maybe it’s white with a maroon wall. It might not be orange or yellow or maroon at all. That might be the light casting its glow against white paint. I know that it’s nighttime, and inside Chris’s room is warm and bathed in a citrus light. Michael is there, and Chris, and me.

Michael is dragging an inked needle across his thigh. It’s a tattoo gun he purchased from someone, and he’s testing it out. Michael’s usual tattoo process is stick-and-poke. He has done this kind of tattoo to my leg: a gnome with a daffodil. The tattoo gun makes my teeth ache. It’s a sound like drilling. It seems to be ripping through his skin. He drags it into an uneven rectangle. Chris and I watch and drink. We’re drinking something with whiskey—this I know. I am almost always drinking whiskey. Approximately a fifth every day. Usually Bulleit. Michael is drinking too, and by the time the rectangle is done, we’re all drunk. Something happens then where Michael wants to kiss Chris and Chris wants to kiss me. And then Chris says he’ll kiss Michael if Michael kisses me. And then we’re all kissing each other and clothes are coming off. I’m asking if this is a bad idea, saying I don’t want it to change things between us.

When I say us, I mean Michael and me. I mean the intensity of the friendship we’ve formed in only a few months. I mean the fact that we live together as roommates platonically, and that we stay up late drinking whiskey and talking about dismantling capitalism. I mean that I love our little cabin in the woods in Arizona and our California road trip. I mean that I don’t want to lose him just because I’m about to fuck him.

He says that everything’s fine. Everything will be fine.

Everything is not fine with me. I’m in the midst of a very dedicated eating disorder. I don’t eat much and I throw up when I eat anything. I have lost three belt sizes in a month. I don’t weigh myself but I imagine the number is under a hundred. I still hate my body. The way my thighs squish out on a chair, the outward curve of my belly. My fat, round face.

In Chris’s room, the scene is chaotic. Chris wants to watch Michael and me. Chris runs to the car to get a condom. Michael and I kiss and it’s comfortable and easy like it’s been happening for years. Our bodies seem to fit together. Or maybe that’s just what Chris says. With Chris and Michael’s bodies in the bed, I am conscious of the smallness of my body. I am obsessed with its smallness. I want it to shrink and shrink and shrink. Until I am just a sliver. I feel powerful in becoming a sliver. I am not powerful.

And then Chris wants Michael to punch him in the face. Or Michael wants Chris to punch him in the face. Either way, someone gets punched in the face, and it’s not me. I am on the sidelines watching violence meet sex. It’s curious and sexy and strange. I’m drunk. I’m with Michael and Chris and we’re all naked. And afterward, we fall asleep together in Chris’s bed.

In the morning, we laugh at each other. Everything seems to be fine. And it is until it isn’t. Until Michael says something later on another night in San Francisco about our friendship being forever changed. And I’m upset and drunk again. And I haven’t eaten. Or what I have eaten, I’ve thrown up. And eventually, I am crying. Crying because I’m afraid of losing Michael. Crying because I already have. Crying so that I ensure I lose Michael. I’m crying, and Michael and Chris leave me in San Francisco with some other friends.

I wake up the next morning and get a ride back to Oakland. In the kitchen at Chris’s house, the three of us sit and prepare an egg dish. I crack eggs into a bowl. One, two, three. I crack and watch the yolks slide around the glass, whole and golden. Michael slices into a bell pepper while Chris cubes a potato. I apologize for being dramatic. I say I was drunk. I say I’m embarrassed and do they hate me now? They insist that they do not, that everything is fine. But Michael is quiet and everything is not fine.

Later, he will move out of the cabin in the woods in Arizona. He will pack his things and leave while I’m at work. He will be my roommate one day and a stranger the next. His body will forever be part of my body—the tattoo. My body will shrink and shrink until I am hospitalized for dehydration. My body will remember and misremember his body. My body will understand that it loved his body, just not in the way he thought. He thought: sex, love, relationship. My body understood: friendship, roommate.

But for now, we are in Chris’s kitchen making an egg dish. Chris is telling me I’m crazy like him. I’m saying yes to crazy. We’re drinking mimosas or maybe not. Maybe Chris and Michael are drinking beers and I’m already pouring myself a glass of whiskey. Either way, the eggs are in the frying pan, oil snapping. We stand together in the kitchen and watch the eggs solidify. Or maybe Chris and Michael are sitting and I’m watching, or maybe that’s not true at all. Maybe there are no eggs, and we just sit and roll cigarettes and wonder what happens next. 


Allison Field Bell is originally from northern California but has spent most of her adult life in the desert. She is currently pursuing her PhD in prose at the University of Utah, and she has an MFA in fiction from New Mexico State University. Her work appears or is forthcoming in SmokeLong QuarterlyThe Gettysburg ReviewShenandoahNew Orleans ReviewWest Branch, Epiphany, The Cincinnati ReviewAlaska Quarterly ReviewThe Pinch, and elsewhere. Find her at allisonfieldbell.com

ART
The Connectivity of Our World – The Sculptures of Susan Clinard

FICTION
The Face is a Wild Land – Cameron Darc
Snow Day – Siamak Vossoughi
Flame Jumps the Gap – Matthew Gordon
Best True Love Stories – Nikki Barnhart
White Boulders + Husbands – Stephen Mortland
Mulberry Noah Pohl
Badges – George Singleton

GUEST FOLIO
Edited by Elizabeth Graver
Introduction
Untitled – Genevieve DeLeon
Somewhere – Ramona Reeves
Autumn Road – Franklin Einspruch
Let Me – Karin Cecile Davidson
A History of American Comics – Jonathan Todd
No Map Complete – Christine A. Neu
They Don’t Like Emptiness – Will Dowd
The Places I Called Home– Yang Huang

NONFICTION
Early Adopters – Andy Gottschalk
Crossing Stitches – Celia Cummiskey
Living Room – Rick Brown
Mike + Immigrant Song + The Procedure – Peter Krumbach
A Peek inside the Ledger – Paula Dimidis
Rectangle – Allison Field Bell
Fragmented Worlds – Natasha Williams

POETRY
Ad Astra + Graftings – Robbie Gamble
Omnivora + Meadowlands – Haolun Xu
Fluent In + Stay of Execution – Shanan Kurtz
Saturn Street Steps + People also ask: What does it mean if a bird is at your door? – T.S. Leonard

RECOMMENDATIONS
Nextdoor in Colonialtown by Ryan Rivas – Kate McIntyre
Worth the Wait – David Philip Mullins
Muse Found in a Colonized Body, by Yesenia Montilla – Felicia Zamora
Alone, Alone, Horribly Alone: On Jaime Sabines’s Pieces of Shadow – Pablo Piñero Stillmann
Three micro-reviews of inside inside inside by Jo Ianni – C.T. Salazar

White Boulders + Husbands

by Stephen Mortland


White Boulders

They drove to the coast where they booked a room at a motel near the port. The room had green carpeted floors and a pink porcelain sink protruding from the wall next to the bed. They lay together and, after some time, he rolled toward her. Bored and anxious, she received him. They made love on top of the bedsheets. When it was finished, he cleaned himself at the sink which was only a few paces from the bed. 

Hours passed and night turned gray in morning. The world out their window took form and she stirred him. She hadn’t slept at all, or if she’d slept, she slept lightly, never leaving her body, aware, through the night, of morning’s approach. 

They walked to the docks and sat watching, not sure what they were looking for, knowing they would know when they saw it. When nothing changed and no provocation dotted the horizon, he left her to buy a bag of fried, twisted pastries from a German woman manning a cart on the corner. They sat and ate the pastries from the bag until the day was hot and they were joined by old fishermen and young crabbing professionals preparing long boats with cages. 

They returned to the motel room and made love again. This time it was more hectic than before, and a little cruel. She wouldn’t look at his face and he finished before she felt anything like pleasure. 

Coming out of the bathroom, she saw that he had taken the letter from his bag and was rereading it. He set it on the mattress when he was finished, and she took it up. Her towel fell, bunching around her ankles. She read the letter again for herself. 

“It could be that the dates are wrong,” he said, while she was still reading. 

They didn’t make love that night but sat on the bed watching the television. The black box was bolted at an odd angle in the upper corner of the room. He kept the remote balanced on his bent knee as he clicked back-and-forth between channels. 

The dome of her head pressed against his hip, and before she was asleep, she was thinking about the port, performing lazy mental math with dates. She was prepared to sleep and dream about the waters rising, separating, the waters around the port lifting to swallow everything below and a figure—terrifying and wonderful—riding on the crest of those waters. But when she did finally fall asleep, she didn’t dream at all, and she woke often in the night, afraid the sun had risen without their realizing it.

He bought pastries from the German woman on their way to the water the next morning. They sat at a different dock this time, at its furthest edge, dangling their legs over the side. She broke her pastry and dropped the crumbs in the water for fish or seals to come and grab, but nothing came, and the crumbs grew soggy and sank. He watched the crumbs and looked at her scornfully, but he didn’t say anything. 

Before they left for the coast, they had considered selling their few remaining possessions. Neither of them owned very much worth selling, but it would have secured for them a meager reserve while they waited. At the time this felt faithless and besides, they figured, it would have taken too long to orchestrate.

“We can go to your mother’s if we need to,” he said. “It’s not so far.”

The next morning—their third at the water and nothing changing—she approached one of the men at the port. She had noticed him glancing sometimes in her direction while she sat waiting. 

Going with the man, she didn’t feel like she was losing anything at all. She didn’t yet fully understand her circumstances. What was most unclear to her was why nothing had happened. Time was a little broken now, and her body was a thing that had outstayed its ending. What she did with it, she reasoned, mattered hardly at all. 

The man from the port kept wiping his nose with the back of his hand. The money he gave her felt like pretend money. 

She remembered something she once read about the white boulders of heaven—or maybe it was words from a song. 

When she returned to the motel room, he was watching television again. There was an apple and a banana on the bed beside him. 

“We should eat something healthy,” he said, nodding toward the fruit. 

“Why?” she asked.

On the fifth day, the sky was cloudy and it looked like it might rain. The gray water was nearly the complexion of the sky, so that it looked like one was mirroring the other, but the two were only coincidentally aligned. 

They sat on the dock and studied the currents, or watched movement in the clouds, or stared at the fine line where the water met the sky. It was the fifth day, they thought. And they thought other thoughts like this as well. 

After some time waiting, he went to buy more pastries from the cart on the corner. When he returned with the bag in his hand, she was no longer sitting on the edge of the dock. He stood where she had sat and stared into the water below. The only movement in the water was the water moving against the thick wooden legs of the dock. 


Husbands

I have seen how mother’s husband looks at me. When I am in the kitchen mixing a salad, or when I pass as he is lounging on the couch, he stares, tight-lipped. He watches my hands as if to see what they’re up to. I pretend not to notice, because that’s how I was raised, but I notice.

When mother is around, it’s a different story. He does husband things for her. When she is in the room, it’s almost as if I don’t exist. He rubs her shoulders, he orders the mess she’s made. He never interrupts. When she returns from the store, he carries her bags inside. 

Mother’s husband practices respectable hobbies like wood-cutting, playing scales on a 12-string guitar, or fiddling with an amateur radio. He is often ready with little surprises. When mother’s in the mood for it, he does other husband things too. 

In other words, he is a good husband and he is, by appearances, mostly dependable. 

Father’s husband never notices anyone but father. He is always following father around, cupping father’s elbow or holding onto the hem of his Oxford. Father’s loafers are always shined and there is never an absence of fresh pressed tobacco in his pipe. Father’s husband is as dependable as mother’s husband, but he never stares and he takes up less space. 

I have two husbands for myself, but no one knows about the second. They know about the first husband because he has been with us for nearly as long as I can remember. The second I keep behind the house. The two husbands look almost identical, so I sometimes let the second husband masquerade as the first so long as he is careful not to speak or do anything that would warrant unwanted scrutiny. I have the two husbands, and I might have a third with the way mother’s husband looks at me. 

Sometimes mother feels the need to pull me aside and have a talk. She has a colossal sense of duty and it extends to her love for me. When she pulls me aside to have a talk, she quizzes me about my friendships or asks if I am happy in my current situation. If she can think of nothing to say or ask me, she tells me to play my clarinet and listens to hear how I am progressing musically. Inevitably during these pulled aside talks, I catch her staring past, looking out the window into the yard where maybe her husband is standing staring back. I notice that she is no longer listening to my answers or to my playing on the clarinet, but I don’t say anything because that’s how I was raised. There are other ways of getting her attention, like hitting a sour note or brushing her knee with my own.

I could say something to mother during one of these talks. I could say something about the way her husband stares. Even if she didn’t believe me, saying it would make her look closer and then she would notice for herself. But mother is old and she has only the one husband. It would be cruel for me to make her suffer.  


Stephen Mortland‘s writing has appeared in NOON Annual, New York Tyrant, Fence Magazine and elsewhere. He lives in St. Louis, Missouri.