Isn’t that Nice

Halley Parry

Marielle had a tooth yanked from her gum on a Tuesday while most people she knew were gliding around carpeted office buildings moving papers from one window to the other and eating salads from round plastic bowls, their feet secretly bare beneath their desks. After the procedure as she approached her apartment, she remembered that her husband, Simon, would not be at home waiting to tend to her. This was not because Simon would be on call sitting next to his ambulance or tending to other injured people, but because he wasn’t her husband anymore.

The rotten, extracted tooth rattled around a plastic orange container shaped like a treasure chest. It was not her tooth to bite with, gnaw with anymore despite its long, troubled history in her mouth. A stray cat switched its tail on a small patch of dirt next to the steps leading to the door of her building. Her apartment sat three stories directly above a dress shop, the kind of store that only contains seven or eight items, as if each dress would become violent if left too near a competitor. The beta fish of dresses. She preferred crowded shops where you can’t distinguish one item from another until you pull it out, and leave empty handed because nothing looks quite as beautiful when held up by itself but merely compliments its rack mates. She examined the gaping hole in the front of her mouth in the reflection of the window, actively disregarding the eyebrow raise from the woman behind the counter.

For several weeks after preschool let out for the summer, a neighbor’s daughter was dispatched to Marielle’s house for containment and snacks while the girl’s mother, a robust woman named Ophelie, conducted research about the details of her own infanthood. Specifically, who her birth mother might be. Little Hattie was parked in a wooden chair with the excess of a long tablecloth pulled across her head when Marielle came in. Her stuffed bear Frizzy was on the floor smiling his yarn smile. “She was just here,” Marielle mused falsely with a smile, fewer teeth, “I guess all of this pie is for me then.”

“I’m right HERE!” Hattie squealed, dramatically revealing herself and clearing the table with a comic clatter, a clatter that lasts much longer than the inciting incident and continues smashing gleefully long after it should have ceased. Marielle was still sweeping up broken glass and collecting grains of sugar when Hattie’s mother leaned on the buzzer downstairs. Marielle had always hated how a sound could infiltrate the space without her approval. The buzzer rang again, longer. Hattie had salt on her face from tears and was picking blueberries out of the pie, holding her legs very still while Marielle reached under the table for a particularly jagged fragment of vase. The vase had been a gift from Marielle’s husband, Simon. His sudden departure from her life made her suspect he was apt to return just as suddenly, so she left the wounded door to her apartment gaping, exposing the warm innards of her apartment to the hallway. She already couldn’t remember much about his physical presence. When his name was uttered or floated behind her eyes she thought of a small bump on the back of his head that flaked like a delicate pastry and the night he had crawled into bed making every effort not to touch her by crossing his arms over his chest, sheathed in his favorite sweater and clammy-handed. This was the night after the doctor told her that she was broken, that she could not carry a child in her belly. She pictured rust swirling through her bloodstream, her womb an old safe floating to the bottom of the sea. But she didn’t blame the man; the switch of his biology had simply been flipped to off.

Hattie was examining the pictures of a children’s book with an element of horror in it, a mysterious beast with a hard metal spike for a tail and big round eyes. The beast was unpredictable, and according to her mother, nothing to worry about. “FAERIES” she screamed as if it was an obvious answer to the question no one was able to ask aloud, forgetting momentarily about the mess she had just made: “The beast hates FAERIES because they are beautiful and can fly and live forever until we all EXPLODE.” A piece of blueberry launched from her mouth with the force of her XPL. She must know something about science.

Hattie was explaining the beast in more detail than was reflected on the pages of the book when her mother came in through the open door and immediately asked her to please stop, she was not supposed to mention the beast after dark. Because that’s when he is here, I suspect, said Hattie’s eyes. Ophelie whisked herself over to her daughter and ruffled her short blonde hair. She wore a pink faux fur coat that was stained and matted and resembled asbestos torn from the walls of a remodeled home. She wrapped her cold fingers around Marielle’s wrists and over her flannel shirt to drag her into the kitchen where she opened a bottle of wine without asking, “I found her,” she said, quietly pausing to make a snide comment about Marielle’s missing tooth, “I fucking found her.” Ophelie had been adopted by a couple in Manhattan when she was two years old. Now, she was spending afternoons at the adoption agency sifting through records after being diagnosed with a rare genetic, if nonfatal, disease. The agency informed her that they could not give her any information about where she came from because she had been turned in by a woman who found her, ” found me,” she repeated with bug eyes, “outside the supermarket.” Marielle did not have time to formulate an appropriate question before Ophelie began to speak again.

“But then we, me and the hag from the agency, found the cops who were there that night when I was dumped. It was on the exact border and the same exact day that they found that tribe of feral people on the mountain.”

Marielle remembered the history lesson about the feral tribe, their hairy faces, the headlines and the lawsuits, the updated science textbooks. The skepticism surrounding their DNA tests, when scientists realized these people had more genetic material in common with fossils of early humans than humans today. No one knew how they had remained unseen for so long. And she also remembered that they were suspected to have produced offspring in jail. She remembered how they spat accusatory fingers of drool at camera crews and were all later arrested for one thing or another. One woman, she remembered slowly, had been arrested for eating a live tabby cat. It was missing, its face printed on cheap paper and stapled to every telephone pole on the block. The woman was using a staple to clean her teeth when they found her—she’d stabbed the officer with the staple, leaving a tiny puncture wound on his thumb that bled for days.

Ophelie sat down, “So what they think is, I am the direct descendent of a yeti. Half yeti, maybe. At least this explains my Pangaea forehead and inability to keep my arms properly shaved.” She was taking this news surprisingly well. Marielle wasn’t even sure how to classify this news. Ophelie had a set of adoring parents and a latent desire for fame, but surprises had never settled well with her. Hattie’s genesis had unwound her and stitched her back together in a particular chaotic shape and this revelation had the potential to nibble at the stitches with a set of pointy teeth.

“The beast is here,” said Hattie from the doorway to the kitchen, flatfooted and flat voiced. She was having an intense conversation in glances with the space just behind Marielle, who couldn’t help it and turned around slowly to see what was behind her. There was, of course, nothing there. “He’s hungry,” said Hattie and placed some pie on the ground.

Hattie’s beast lives on a tall island in the middle of the sea on a planet pasted with clouds. These are her words. Paste is how a child makes things stay where they could not otherwise. It is impossible to tell how large or small the beast is; it could be as small as a tealeaf or as large as a lumbering mammoth. No one knows how large the planet is, either. The sea that the island juts from is the color of strong black tea and glints from the scales of thousands of tiny silver sea creatures that dance in roils and fall like bubbles in a boiling pot. She complicates the picture book with her own drawings, self-portraits, rudely inserting herself into the narrative as she had inserted herself into the narrative of her mother’s body.

“You aren’t afraid of the beast anymore?” said Ophelie in disbelief.

“He can’t come unstuck yet from the book.” At this, Hattie was ushered out of the room and into her own apartment down the street.

A square of light from an adjacent window fell onto the bed over the lump of Marielle’s body in the otherwise dark room. As she lay perfectly still under a mound of blankets in an attempt to warm one area of the bed as efficiently as possible, a muffled alarm began to scream beneath her. It began as a low tone and escalated quickly. She tried to ignore its shrill whine but it coaxed her into wakefulness and she climbed, shivering, from bed and fastened a robe around her waist. The alarm was muffled by the floorboards she placed her feet on and lifted them from, one after the other until she reached her front door, which she left ajar even in sleep. She looked out her kitchen window onto the street, empty save for several parked cars. There was no chaos. The only chaos existed in her head where sound stopped being waves and turned to noise. A light was flashing intermittently below her, illuminating the sidewalk that was damp from an earlier rain. The whole scene appeared to be made of glass.

She retrieved her phone from the bedside table and dialed 9-1-1. The dispatcher answered, “What’s the address? Did you see an intruder? If you didn’t see an intruder or any evidence of a crime, I can’t send someone down there. We have pressing emergencies that…can you hold?” She held. She peeled a banana and began to eat it. The aroma filled the kitchen. Then the banana started to taste metallic, like she was cutting it with razor blades instead of her teeth. The banana came away from her mouth red. The alarm escalated again, grew louder and more insistent. It made her veins pulse, the taste in her mouth became stronger and she spit on the floor, red, like she’d just flossed her teeth with rusty wire. She took another pill and stuffed her mouth with the cotton swabs they had sent her home with in a small plastic bag. The cotton tasted like fresh laundry and when the emergency dispatcher came back on the line, she tried to speak but the sound wouldn’t escape through the cloth, it muffled her words. She wrapped the blanket strewn on the back of the couch around her ears and was lulled to sleep on the couch by steady, unanswered cries for help.

The next morning, in silence, she took two more pills and called in sick from work. She awoke in a daze hours later to Hattie humming softly on the floor beside her. Hattie’s voice was low, a cheerful little growl, “You napped,” she said, “I came in myself. I’m hungry.” Marielle’s stomach bowed towards her spine, hungry too, and when she stood up the world flashed bright. She boiled water for spaghetti and sliced an avocado in half, throwing the knife into the pit to lift it from its flesh, while Hattie floated on imaginary wings around the kitchen table. She drained the noodles and filled each half of avocado with mini shrimp from the freezer, they would thaw before it was time to eat. The pit of the avocado landed with a dull thud on top of trash in the bin. The curve of the shrimp bodies would heat to room temperature, be consumed, and then heat for life in their human bellies before being expelled.

Hattie began eating the shrimp frozen because she liked strawberry popsicles. It was cold but sunny so they went out to eat on the stoop. Hattie placed her small white plate one step above where she sat and Marielle placed hers one step below, next to her feet. She leaned around the banister and peered into the shop window. The woman behind the counter was looking at her fingernail as though on the brink of a great, but puzzling, discovery. She was sweating, Marielle could tell because she wiped her forehead with a small white square of cloth, too small to be a handkerchief. It reminded Marielle of the gauze and the pasta in her mouth began to taste like a sweater Simon used to wear under his uniform when it was cold. She had once tried to take the sweater off with her teeth but it took much too long, and she found he was wearing another sweater underneath. It was impossible to undress him.

The entire storefront was a window that had been perfectly polished until it appeared invisible. One short white dress hung on a metal mannequin in the center of the store. Its shoulders were structured like two paper airplanes and the shopgirls’ part was as straight as a runway down the center of her head. She moved from behind the small counter and adjusted a sleeve of the dress on display, making no discernable difference, but the adjustment appeared to satisfy her. She resumed her post in the sterile greenhouse, a light wind moving among the leaves. Marielle pushed on the gum where her tooth used to be and it throbbed. Several minutes later, Ophelie turned the corner and approached the stoop, a manila folder under her arm bursting with crisp white paper. Marielle knew it had something to do with the woman, her mother, but didn’t ask. Ophelie swept Hattie from the porch and down the street, she placed a warm hand on Marielle’s knee and Hattie mimicked the gesture on her foot in a gesture of goodbye.

Marielle descended the stairs behind them, leaving the dishes where they sat, and entered the shop to see if perhaps the alarm from the night before had come from inside. She caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror to the left of the entrance, her jeans fit poorly and her t-shirt was wrinkled and yellowing in the armpits. The girl behind the counter raised her eyes but did not utter a word of greeting as Marielle approached the counter. She placed both hands on the cold surface and the girl still did not raise her head. She was thin, her collarbones stuck out through her white silk top which seemed to not be touching any part of her body but hovering around her. Marielle suddenly remembered her tooth, and that speaking would reveal its absence. This was not an environment for missing teeth. She would be frowned upon. Instead, she smiled with closed lips and in order to explain her charge of the counter, she selected a lacy black thong from a bowl and purchased it in silence, how sophisticated of her. When she emerged back out onto the street she pushed onto her gum harder with a dirty finger and looked down to realize that the thong was an XS, PETITE and had cost her forty-six dollars she didn’t have. The stray cat ate the leftover shrimp on the stoop.

Hattie let herself in promptly after school the next day and sat quietly until the sun set. Marielle woke up on the couch and found her in the kitchen on tiptoe, slicing a banana with the handle of a serving spoon. When Ophelie swept through the door, Hattie was elaborating on her day with a mouthful of banana, “…and his teacups are made of dust. No, his teacups are made of sticks and his tea is dust which is why he always has a cough,” she coughed to elaborate before continuing, “and all over the mountain are yellow flowers that grow pomegranate seeds and that’s what he eats.”

Ophelie’s teeth were stained with red. She announced that she was done with research, she had no more interest in learning about her mother and Hattie would no longer need to spend afternoons with Marielle. Her eyes wouldn’t focus and Hattie looked at Marielle as though she knew this mood, her mother should not be questioned or prodded, and Hattie followed her somberly. Marielle was surprised to feel a great sense of loss that Hattie wouldn’t be arriving every day. At first, it had seemed like a great burden but she had come to enjoy Hattie’s small presence.

Marielle fell asleep before taking any medication, her gum suffered a dull warm pain she had become accustomed to and almost welcomed. The lack of pain in the rest of her body made her feel perfect. She was naked, she hadn’t changed the sheets since he left and they were soaked with oils from her skin. As if on cue, the wail of the alarm woke her from a deep sleep and this time she shot from bed immediately. She had dreamt of her wedding, slipping in and out of her dress under observation in rewind and then forward slowly. The petite thong rested, rolled up in a tiny coil, on the kitchen counter.

This time, she zipped up the jeans on the floor next to her bed and went downstairs onto the street. She called 9-1-1 from her cell phone, a different voice from the previous night answered, “What is your emergency.”

“Something set off the alarm in the shop below my apartment and it isn’t shutting off,” she said unsure if the wail had drowned her out entirely. The alarm began to hold its notes longer like a melancholy performer.

“Is there evidence of a break-in or other criminal activity?” the dispatcher took a sip of something next to the mouthpiece.

“No it just keeps going off, the same thing happened last night and no one comes to turn it off.”

“Ma’am, unless there is suspicious activity I can’t send a car down there.”

“What if I told you it was me, I’m breaking into the store.”

“Are you, ma’am?”

“No.”

“Good night then miss.” The liquid he had sipped made him cough before he hung up.

She pressed her nose to the window, leaving a smudge. The interior of the store was completely still, a diorama, the white dress stood in darkness. At intervals in time to the beat of the alarm it was bathed in red light. The color weaponized its purity, blood spilled on a snow-covered garden. She didn’t sleep or even close her eyes until the sun rose and the alarm was silenced presumably by its own code, by the finger of the unreadable woman who would remove her coat and place it delicately over a chair behind the counter.

The day passed, and at noon she went to get a new tooth sewn into her gums. It was made specifically for her, and was not noticeably different when she bared her teeth in the small circular mirror. Only she could tell it was an imposter. She missed little Hattie. On her block, a woman was crouching down next to a small boy and pointing at something. Marielle followed her finger which led to the stray cat, curled up behind a dresser that someone had discarded on the curb next to a bag of trash. The woman was enunciating kitty, K-I-T-T-Y and sounded ridiculous, “Isn’t that cute? Isn’t that nice? He’s sleeping!” As Marielle passed she saw, after some scrutiny, that the cat was not sleeping but had starved to death.

As Marielle walked from the kitchen to the living room with a glass of wine later that evening the room erupted into noise with such ferocity that she dropped the glass. It was not the alarm as she initially suspected but her telephone. The glass didn’t break, but warm red wine eased onto the carpet like a tide. She answered the phone on the second ring, it was nearly 10 o’clock. It was Hattie and she sounded scared, there was a dish clattering in the background.

“Mama made dinner and it tastes bad,” she whispered.

“What do you mean it tastes bad.”

“It’s not dinner,” Hattie’s voice rose with panic.

“I’ll come over, hang tight.”

She walked to the building where Ophelie and Hattie lived alone in the garden apartment. There was a small arrangement of doll furniture on the curb, a bed made from cardboard and matches, a chair that would seat someone just larger than the person who was sized to sleep in the bed, a tattered blanket, a tiny jar of jam that reminded Marielle of continental breakfasts at cheap motels and a small flower pot full of Styrofoam peanuts. She recognized these objects, they were Hattie’s toys, placed on the street like old junk.

She pushed tentatively at the buzzer, twice, three times until Ophelie came to the door. She was speaking as if she had started a conversation long before Marielle arrived, “And did you know, “she said, frantically slicing a chicken and placing it onto empty plates and picking what appeared to be a feather from between her teeth but couldn’t be, “that the women got raped by the hunters that found them, that those were the babies they gave birth to?” Marielle looked closer. The chicken was completely raw, bleeding onto the plates and the table was set for five people.

Before Marielle had a chance to answer, Hattie lowered her head and vomited into a soup bowl on the table in front of her, perfectly refilling it, and cried with her head in her hands. Ophelie laughed a wicked peal that ended in one long note.

Emerging from stun into ferocity, Marielle pointed to Hattie’s fork, “Put that down,” she said, “Ophelie, go to bed. I’m taking your daughter to my apartment for a sleepover.” Ophelie’s face softened, as her hand clenched around utensils, “My daughter?” She lunged before falling to the ground with the force of her own sobs. She lay among them. Marielle whispered, “Get yourself together.”

“Hattie, why is Frizzy’s furniture on the sidewalk?” she stepped to Hattie and took her hand, crouched on her knees.

“He’s moving out, he hates it here, and he particliary hates mama ,” she screamed weakly as though she were trying to scream in a nightmare, dry and soft. Frizzy sat propped in the chair next to her, disturbed. Marielle was wrong. This was bad news and Ophelie was taking it murderously.

Marielle led Hattie outside where she promptly vomited on the sidewalk, drenching Frizzy and her own front with bile. She wept and cradled her stomach. Marielle pulled her hair from her forehead which was burning hot and lifted her off the ground, smearing vomit on her sweater but not minding. With her other hand she reached into her pocket for her phone and began dialing 9-1-1, again. The memory of her recent failures with those particular digits stopped her and instead she did something she swore never to do again, she called Simon. He had a fondness for Hattie and would know what to do from a medical perspective at least. Hattie tugged on her hair, wanting to be let down. Marielle placed her on the ground where she bent down and scooped up Frizzy’s match bed from the curb, one-eighth his size, and returned to slump against the back of Marielle’s legs. Frizzy would need somewhere to sleep. Simon answered on the third ring of the second call, “What.”

She lifted Hattie back up and said with the strain of the little body ascending in her voice said, “Hattie’s been poisoned by raw chicken and possibly something else I need help. She’s really sick.”

“Jesus Christ Elle. Please tell me you aren’t making this up,” he said.

“No, I need you to come help me, it’s a sick child.” She was silent while he agreed, she apologized for the call and continued the journey down the block where she carried Hattie up the stairs clumsily, Hattie repeatedly head-butting her in the mouth like a tiny goat, and placed her gently on a towel on the bed. She dreaded his arrival but carried within her a deep desire to see him, to remember his face. She went into the front of the apartment and closed the front door. She wished she hadn’t apologized. As she turned the lock, the alarm began to scream and a sound mimicked it from the bedroom.

Marielle clamped her jaw with surprise and her new tooth chose this moment to fall from her mouth in a cliff dive to the floor where it crashed with such ferocity that it overpowered the competing wails for just a moment. The pain was acute. She took one pill, two, three, placing her mouth directly under the faucet. The water splashed joyfully on her face and neck. She immediately began to feel the numbing effects of the pills on her body and mind. Hattie was silenced but the alarm carried on with unrelenting vigor, tearing through the fiber of her ears into the intricate network where her thoughts nested. She did not know where Simon was coming from or how long it would take him to arrive, how long had it been since she called? Frizzy stank and she placed him in the sink with the water still running before checking to make sure Hattie was alive, her pulse thrummed under the skin of her neck. She checked her own pulse too, because life is a fragile thing. She embroidered this on a pillow in her mind. She would wash Frizzy until the water ran clean.

A steady wind grazed her face and she felt her eyes opening and closing instinctually to protect themselves. The alarm seemed louder tonight, the shop darker. The dress shone like a moon instead, carrying within it an inherent vital brightness. She picked up a metal chair chained to the café next to the shop and used the leg, which reached just far enough, to shatter the front window of the store. Then she reluctantly dialed 9-1-1.

“There has been a break-in at a shop on 3rd street,” she paused, eyeing the dress, “two doors down from my apartment and they’ve broken a window,” she went on, “it’s two men, one tall and one short and they are wearing all black and they were both coughing aggressively.” She remembered that little details make everything more believable, “actually just one of them was coughing, but so aggressively it sounded like two.”

When she hung up, she walked idly through the hole she had created and circled the dress like a predator, the red light of the alarm had begun flashing rapidly, now bathing both her and the dress in its violent hue. She ran her finger over the fabric and licked it, as though she had just touched a delicious cake and tried to hide the evidence. She turned and caught a glimpse of herself in the long mirror made for examining bodies in beautiful things. She was drooling slightly, the pills, she wiped it away and smiled a toothless grin at herself. She remembered something then about the wild women, one in particular. Before she was cleaned up, before she was placed somewhere in the city, they had led this particular wild woman into a room with a mirror and observed her. The first thing she did was throw herself at the mirror. It took her a moment to realize that she was seeing herself for the first time. She placed her hands on the mirror and leaned in, moving them up and down in precise measurements. She found she could not let go of her own reflected hands and wept at her own image. When the image wept back, she laughed. When her reflection laughed, she looked around for an explanation. Her reflection looked around for an explanation, too, but she couldn’t see it when she turned her head.

Marielle carefully unzipped the back of the dress and lifted it from the mannequin. It was weightless. She shoved the dress under her sweater and thought of the look the saleswoman would give her. The delicate structure! You’ll wrinkle the fabric! Monster, crazy bitch, the most unsophisticated woman in the world!

She crunched back over the mound of broken glass as though they were fallen leaves, nearly slicing her cheek on the jagged wall of the window, sprinted into her apartment and threw the dress down on the couch where it reclined delicately to rest. She heard sirens in the distance approaching, the sounds swirling like a physical thing from all directions. She put on a jacket and went back onto the street. She was standing on the sidewalk when the first police car pulled up, blue lights flashing and giving the whole scene an aquarium glow. Before she had a chance to speak, the man in the passenger seat had her hands behind her back and was snapping handcuffs over them. She thought about struggling but was swimming. She knew that this could be cleared up easily with a few simple words but the shock had muted her. The officer got her blood on his hands and checked the wound on her cheek gruffly, certainly filed it as evidence of her guilt. So, she had cut her cheek after all.

Then she recognized a plain car pulling up to the curb. Simon stepped out of the driver’s seat and left the headlights on, a diver’s spotlight in the swirling blue sea of light. He exchanged some words with the cop, patted him on the shoulder. It appeared to pain him to admit that he was acquainted with the bleeding woman in handcuffs on the sidewalk. He must have known the police officer as well, because he apologized profusely as he uncuffed her and pawed her face strangely. She explained that she had been the one to call the police and reiterated her description of the burglars to a “how unusual, they took one dress,” from the officer.

She realized she was speaking with a lisp. Her husband led her upstairs, she didn’t limp, “Hattie’s in the bedroom.” She wouldn’t thank him again or apologize. She slurred, he didn’t ask her many questions. Simon opened the door with his own key, but found that it was unlocked and shook his head. He helped her gently lay down on the couch, on top of the dress. She could feel the fabric of it on the back of her arms and she smiled. He either did not notice the dress or chose not to, and took his bulky backpack with him into the bedroom.

She heard him ask Hattie what her favorite color was, which was the wrong question. Hattie didn’t believe in favorite colors. She knew, already, that one color was meaningless without the others. She had the tenacity of an elderly politician who would never be elected but continues to run every year. Hattie choked on the words she was saying, and they were followed by the sound of vomit in a bowl, and Marielle’s husband came into the living room looking for pen and paper, “How does she know the word ‘contract’? I don’t think she remembers me,” he sighed, disrupting the top layer of sugar in the bowl on the kitchen table. Marielle, wide-awake, lay on the couch and listened to the sounds of this man taking care of a child in what was once their bed together. She felt a shallow, tortured emotion, like trying to pick an invisible hair from your tongue and giving up.

A commotion in the kitchen captured her attention. Frizzy was drenched and trying to hide, she saw his leg slip down into the drain and the sound of the water running changed. It was no longer water falling on steel but water falling into more water. His head lowered into the sink but his expression did not change.

Her husband’s voice surprised her before she could prevent Frizzy from drowning, “Hattie will be fine, it was just a powerful reaction to the raw meat and stress. I’ve given her something for infection.” He picked up the thong on the counter, “What’s this? You’ve never worn anything like this before.” Before he could say, It doesn’t suit you, he stepped on the tooth that had fallen from her mouth earlier and barked. She wanted him to stay.

“You’ll be okay with a full house tonight, then?” he said, moving towards the front door, which was now open.

Not quite a full house, she thought to herself, there is still one empty bed. When she was alone she took teeth, both rot and enamel and placed them side by side in Frizzy’s bed, covering them gently with a piece of gauze. They were the only occupants of the house small enough to fit. Then she put on the dress and climbed in bed next to Hattie who was sleeping peacefully. The water from the sink rose to the brim of the basin and slowly began to flood the apartment while the beast climbed up the fire escape and into her womb.

The Hawk Mercury

Ashley Mayne

When they pull me out, I tell them I’ve seen a pinecone rolling inside a typewriter, back and forth as the tines spring forward, and I tell them I’ve seen a man who keeps the extinct birds in his belly, two of each. But they hand me a plastic spoon, and tell me today I’m to make what I can of this jell-o. I decide to go along. What’s the point?

      Absolute shite.

      There are stitches. What it means when the cuts are vertical, with the veins instead of across, is that somebody wasn’t kidding around, somebody was serious. And that’s me. One serious kid, Mary Gale Rooney.

      They give me some shite like it’s a miracle I’m here. What a thing that would be. Miracle Rooney, a salty wafer, slowly dissolving as the choir of tired-eyed kids breathes through their mouths, stank morning breath, goo and Saturday night in their eyes, fidgeting, picking their ears, hock of gum inside their cheeks, singing, Fain Would I, Lord of Grace.

      I’m not anyone’s miracle.

      There is a way you are supposed to hold the Gospel Book. My little brother Jamie told me the priest who smelled of piney aftershave, the newish one, Brian, taught him to do it the right way and then gave him a quarter. Show me the quarter, Jamie. No, no, on the way home he dropped the quarter in a street grate. On accident? He shook his head. Why, Jamie? A whole quarter? He didn’t know.

      Every time I see a crucifix, I am afraid it will fall on me. Even the smallest ones, on people’s necklaces. I will be trapped, squirming, under Christ’s urgent, quaking ribs, like Mrs. Bryant’s dog crushed by the wheels of the Heath Street milkman. Jamie can’t sleep, that’s what my brother Danny tells me. He reads all night with a flashlight under the sheets. I won’t be able to breathe ever again.

      Father Brian is the nicest, but he has green teeth. Not really, but only slightly, green-white, clean, like the flesh of an apple. He worries for us with Dad gone, and he told me so. Whatever I can do, he said, you name it. And he smiles sadly, like people do when they’re afraid of you. Worry, worry.

      Bad kids do bad things in the wide back seats of Mercurys. I say I’m afraid of the crucifix, but in a way, I want it to happen. Does that make any sense?

      Beyond the window I can see hills. Where am I? Nowhere near Heath Street. Medford? They look flat and blue, these hills, like fake church basement drama surf made out of cardboard when Noah floats the ark, older kids at the back of the auditorium slouching in the shadows, dope and booze and hands in each other’s laps. Mrs. Atherton had a hawk in her garage. It left a mess on the roof of her son Charley’s Mercury Coupe. Then it flew out in the morning when she opened the door, and I heard her yelling from two floors up, sitting with my curlers and cereal and twiddling the knobs of a radio, watching Sean Waters ride by on his bicycle throwing papers. And from the street, Mrs. Atherton’s startled cry: oh my Gwad, a hwok!

      Sean Waters, sixteen, the oldest paperboy in Somerville. Not that any of us kids have jobs we can be proud of; I was a shop girl on weekends at that grocery on Mystic, till the grabby, green-blind old creeper fired me. Sean’s done the paper route in these parts since he was eight years old, and he knows everyone. He’s not the sharpest tool. Not retarded or anything, but odd. He thinks he’s a lady’s man, Sean Waters. I’m six months older than he is, and he calls me the Sinister Kid. The girls on the block yell things at him, and then talk about him when he’s gone, and he just smiles like nothing matters. Sometimes, he goes about singing. Dreamy Sean Waters on his dreamy bicycle.

      Some kid fell in a hole on a construction site in Medford, and she was stuck down there in the dark. For three days they tried to get her out. Sometimes she would hold a rescue worker’s thumb, they said, all she could reach. Did they get her out, in the end? Mary Gale, you’re dumb as a post, you are. Why a post? That the best you got? Dumb as a fire hydrant, then, for God’s sake, dumb as a box of hair. You weren’t born smart, but you could at least have been good.

      Some holes there’s no getting out of.

      You fly around from one thing to the next. A Jezebel you are, trouble girl, hot for it all day and night and nothing between your ears. You let him, no-good Sean Waters with his black, foxy wave and penny spit and swizzle stick and crooked, poor boy teeth, and you asked him for it, you.

      It’s Dad you take after.

      Does a box of hair feel afraid? I’m not too stupid to make a good job of it, anyhow. They told me so. They used to couldn’t sew it up, even, before modern times, and sometimes they still can’t.

      A sin. But lots of things are. Coat hangers are a sin. Cigarettes are a sin, for you but not for Mother. Too much of a good thing rots your teeth. Anything I can do, you name it, Father Brian whispers through his secret grate. Don’t you ever let them call you stupid; it’s hard being young. But you have your family to think of, your brothers.

      He’s a worrier, Father Brian. You have no choice but to comfort Brian. I can feel his worry, shed in waves into the dark box. Loneliness and the world of adults and Cary Grant pomade, veins showing through the thin, grey skin under his eye. I know he wears square, soft shoes, hospital shoes. I know they’re rimmed with dust from the park across the street.

      Brian looks past me. Then down. It’s a long pair of eyes he has, looking right past you. Pale, fluttering lashes, like he’s about to faint or something. Or maybe I’m just too ugly, too bad, too stupid, for this youngish priest with Brylcreemed hair and nervous, champing teeth. Green teeth. Maybe he can’t bring himself to handle what I bring him, my heart clasped between two warm and sweaty hands. Someone wrote Asson the inside of the confessional box with a ballpoint pen. Noise comes in from the street, girls talking loudly. Brian sighs, hulked in his cage behind the grate. I worry for you, he says. All of you, with your dad gone, and your mother in a state. But you have to be strong. Take care of your brothers.

      I know, I say. I will. Jamie’s well enough.

      I’m so, so sorry.

      It’s okay.

      Is it?

      Yes. It’s going to be all right.

      Another sigh through the grate. Green, sweet air in here, smelling of Crest and tung oil varnish, of Brylcreem and Aqua Velva. Tears. Father Brian doesn’t have anything left for me.

      When it’s done I walk away at a clip, down to the block where I can hide in Mrs. Atherton’s garage, me and the hawk. The strap of my stupid shoe comes unbuckled and flops around. Heath Street smells of tar and ozone, the yellow haze left by a patching crew. An old woman sits on her stoop and yells at me. Slow down, girl, she says. Too hot for all that hurry. Sheehy, that’s her name, curlers in her hair, sitting there next to a concrete fawn. No one on this whole block I don’t know. There are soft places all down the street, gleaming blackly, where the fresh tar bubbles in the heat.

      Hey, Sinister Kid. From the summer pavement, Sean Waters calls to me. Fix your shoe, he says. You’re all bothered, going to break your neck. That’s a nice dress.

      Shut up, Waters. Come over here. I want to show you something.

      He looks both ways, and then he loafs across to my side of the street, fixing his hair on the way.

      Up close in Mrs. Atherton’s garage, all his words sound canned. Hey, Sinister Kid. You spin the dial on the meat barometer. You raise the droplet on the beef thermometer. His voice cracks on him, making him the butt of his own joke. He laughs, I don’t. A brown mattress stands on its end against the wall, lawnmower and tools and rubbish bins and things. Red yard elves, tearfully smiling. Sheesh, he says, Hot in here. His eyes cut to the side, searching for the exit of the garage, on the other side of Charley’s Mercury Coupe. No hawk in the garage today, just the two of us. Where did the hawk go, when it flew out of Mrs. Atherton’s garage? Anywhere it wanted, I guess.

      Up close, Sean’s confidence withers like burnt grass. Sorry, he mutters. I didn’t mean anything. Come on. It’s too hot in here.

      But I want to feel something other than this weight, this churchy stink of loneliness hanging on my clothes.

      It’s not so bad, kissing in the dark of Mrs. Atherton’s garage, snappy come-ons dribbled away to nothing. Dickies and PF Flyers, silly kid whiteys, dark smell of lawnmower. His rough, nice tongue tastes like a penny. Baby, he calls me, like something he heard his dad say. We lean against the fender of the Mercury, then I open the door and we fall into the back seat, and Sean Waters is breathing like a person about to cry, big gulps of air, eyes looped and staring through my head, sticky vinyl everywhere. And it’s nice, I guess. But it’s also like nothing. More of the same, after the shock wears off, and we’re just sort of falling on each other in the Mercury. No feeling, really. We can do it without even thinking, and it doesn’t really change anything.

      In the hawk Mercury, I kick the window accidentally, shoe strap dangling, and my head bumps the ceiling, too much of me in the hawk Mercury. Too much of me everywhere, isn’t it? There’s a sharp, harbor smell in here. And he’s kind of a pantywaist, just staring up at me. What’s wrong with him? Like he’s more of a girl than me, and I’m just bad all alone. I get rough, slamming him, trying to get something more out of him, but he just sits back like he’s going for a Sunday drive, staring at me, lapping the shocks of the Mercury. After a while, Sean Waters sniffs back tears, shrinking, bare ass sticking to the vinyl seat. Sweaty hair: I can smell the warm asphalt out on Heath Street in his hair, even now, in this airless garage, in this up and down seat that is Sean’s lap, which makes a slapping, watery sound.

      I say, Scared?

      He does look scared. Tough bully girl with her dress unbuttoned, that no-good bruiser Mary Gale, up and down in the lap of a paperboy wide-eyed as a concrete fawn. Father Brian, worrying away in his little cage. Sunday. What have you done this time? There’s a spit bubble at the corner of Sean Waters’ open mouth, light floating over its surface for an instant before it breaks, and I think I see the interior of the hawk Mercury, there and on the wet surface of his eyes, its pale windows, curved and upside down. Like a tiny planet, a curved view of the world, only as large as the inside of the hawk Mercury. And why can’t I make it stop, lie down, and be still? Why can’t I just put it all down and go off weightless, floating above myself and the hawk Mercury and the dirty buildings, above these tarry, reeking, hungry days, and why can’t I win?

      Someone wroteAssin the confessional. Bad kids.

      I don’t care. I’m fine. It’s all right. I brace myself on that shelf thing below the rear windshield where Charley Atherton keeps the maps of Massachusetts and a pair of jumper cables. There’s a flyer for Walden Pond. I wish I had some gum.

      Christ on a cracker, Sean says, and white-knuckles my hips, his face straining forward between the cups of a pushup bra. And then he slumps. I keep moving, but he goes still. A yellow handprint on his chest fills slowly with blood where I slapped him, sweat in the black floss of his armpit. The mess. Oh, he says, God, God. So I hit him again, harder. And I say, You’re a dip stick, Waters. You’re a fancy boy. Go to hell. Go throw some papers.

      And he just looks up at me like I’m killing him or something. So I make my hand into a fist, hit him again. Then I’m pounding his breastbone like it’s a wall. He throws his arms up, tries to push me off. The hell are you doing? The hell? And he’s stronger than me, even though I’m on top and heavier than he is, and I grab a clump of his hair to hold on, but he sort of pushes me backward so my head thumps the ceiling and then the window, both of us sliding on the slippery seat, and he reaches behind him, pulls the latch, falls out into Mrs. Atherton’s garage. He runs, pulling up his pants.

      I slump down on the seat, just sitting for a while. I roll down the window. My head fills up with sparks. Just left there. It’s fine, I’m fine. Panties wrapped around my ankle, stupid with the heat. I can see one of his shoes, lying on its side in the garage in a smear of oil and cat litter, and he’s running barefoot down Heath Street just to get away from me. And he’s an idiot, so what did I think?

      Sean Waters. Absolute shite.

      Trash piled in the stairwell, bottles, baby junk. Old Mrs. Harvey’s nameplate with the seals and the fisherman. Jamie’s alone in the hot kitchen, sitting at the table in his undershirt, and he frowns at me as I pass through to stick my red face into the icebox. Grey under his armpits, circles under his eyes. Ten years old, and he looks like a geriatric raccoon. He sits half-crouched on the chair, one knee drawn up under his chin. A fan drones by an open window. Where’ve you been, he says. I’m hungry too, but we don’t have nothing. Not a slice of bread.

      He hugs himself. He turns his head sideways, ear down, listening to his knee. He says, What’s wrong? You look mad.

      In the shower, the razor slips off the edge and into the porcelain trough, rattling between my feet.

      Mary Gale Rooney, mother is a loony. And then they send you to hospital in Medford, and call you Jezebel. My legs are sticky.

      It’s straight down the arm, if you mean it. Don’t be a shite quitter. Don’t let them win. Jamie is humming quietly in the kitchen; I can just hear him, over the sound of falling water.

      Everyone is shocked, supposedly.

      Mystic River, black and stinking. Brown froth brittling up in the reeds, with the trash and dog dirt. Sometimes a white cross blooms up on the surface of the water, floating, caught between the reeds. Long, tapered wings, grey collar, cassock whites: a seagull. The boys from the block go fishing for them, sometimes, throw out the bait, reel them in when the dumb bird swallows the hook. I’ve seen them, down by the Mystic, passing the joint and the bottle, reeling in those brittle, trembling kites. Just to pass the time. Bleeding kites with praying wings, staggered and graceful in misfortune, hocking up fishhooks, falling slowly. I told my brothers never to go with those boys.

      Mother lights a white candle for me. Bobby, Mikey, Danny and Jamie light white candles for me. Brian worries, and lights a candle for me. Maybe even Sean Waters from the block lights a candle; does he know, and did they send him away also, to Medford? Does he swallow pills with orange juice, and look out at the sky, turned the wrong way to see the brown cloud of Boston? Does he say a prayer for Mary Gale?

      Dad doesn’t, I don’t think, because he doesn’t know. Unless he’s lighting the candle anyway, for some other reason wherever he is, last reach of the nightshift, beans and coffee in a tin, smell of the dry park from across the street and Dinah Shore on the radio, Sweet Violets. His fingers, cracked at the pads and stained with ink. His wooly eyebrows. His glasses. Red veins at the wing of his nose, and baked beans out of a can; he taps his spoon. I want him to light the candle, thinking of Mary Gale.

Lessons from the Masters

JT Price

In 1993, he found a job teaching English to elementary-age kids in Aguilar de Campoo, a town in northwestern Spain with a hill at its center. On top of the hill at the edge of the town stood the ruins of a castle among patches of tall yellow grass. A constant breeze stirred the grass and Bruce would climb the crumbling stone to look down over the town. They made cookies there. Standing in the ruins, Bruce could smell sugar wafting to meet him. He would find himself a nook in the weathered stone and lean back with For Whom the Bell Tolls or The Sun Also Rises or the short stories of his idol and read the words in the country his idol had loved. Occasionally he paused to flick tiny black ants from his exposed forearms. Like his father, Bruce always rolled up his sleeves.

Lessons Bruce learned while living abroad and traveling through Europe and Morocco, hiking whenever possible, through El Camino Santiago, the Pyrenees, the Picos:

1) Do not expect to break up fights that you did not start without getting hurt. Bruce had been naïve to think that men he did not know and toward whom he bore no ill will would not strike him, and he paid for his naïveté, in a bar lit by candles, with the original shape of his nose. Narrow, sharp, Anglican—no more. Even as the blood coursed through his hands, even as he could feel with his pressing fingertips the rubbery, disjointed mess there, he had the thought, could not help it: this will make a fine anecdote someday in my biography.

2) Writing is the only thing that can redeem time spent traveling alone. Otherwise, it all somehow evaporates. And yet when Bruce became too self-conscious—for example, when positioned in the window booth of the bar car of a train passing below the Swiss Alps alongside a lake whose tempered surface shone with the progress of the sun across it, while he looked out with pen and notepad unable to stop thinking about how beautiful the lake surface appeared and perfect for him to be looking out on—he was then unable to complete a single satisfactory sentence.

3) The solitude of hiking provides the nearest physical allegory for what it must be like to complete a novel. Since the summer following his junior year of high school, when his father paid for an eleven-day excursion through Nepal, Bruce had known he wanted to be a writer. His memory of that clean blissful remove was what motivated him to drop out of Cornell. Short of committing words to the page, there was no other method he knew to preserve the startling beauty he encountered on rising from his tent in the morning, where the sheer ice-encrusted expanse of the mountain climbed silent before him. The sound of prayer flags chattered nervously in the wind. His deep breaths, that vision—he wanted to slow his heart-rate, his sense of time—functioned as a perfect antidote to the social pressures his mother had enforced on him growing up in a Kansas City suburb: the people he simply had to talk to; the way he had to dress; the grades he had to achieve. He lost his virginity on the Nepal trip to a girl from Nebraska with a sly sense of humor and a tongue ring. In his backpack, Bruce carried Siddhartha, On the Road, and a collection of Hemingway’s Nick Adams stories, the first time he had read any one of those books, each handed over like an album of old family photos at the airport by his father. “You might find something of significance here too,” his father said gravely. Embracing the girl from Nebraska, Bruce made a promise he did not verbalize. In the melodrama unfolding in his mind, he had to speak for and beyond his era.

4) There are well-off, older, irresponsible Americans who live abroad, having fled their lives in the States out of some kind of shame. One such American offered Bruce all the hashish he could possibly desire and sat there cross-legged, watching him, as the breeze coursed through the open arches of the villa near the beach where this American lived. His cat-like smile would haunt Bruce for years, the way it lounged. “Have you ever read Aleister Crowley?” the American asked, his teeth slightly gray, perhaps entirely fake, and in that moment Bruce knew he had to go from there and never return, even if the name Crowley is one he did not forget. It is what he took with him from Alicanté.

5) Women will spoil you abroad in ways they never would at home in the American Midwest where you knew their families and they knew yours. There were too many examples to name, the identities of the women blurring in his mind, so that he was left with a need to elaborate lessons, and swear by the wisdom of those lessons in order to keep from miring in the horror of his own forgetting. It was exactly the fragmented way Bruce came to know trusting girls and then, more frequently, the women who would recognize and take without any apparent misgiving the pronounced signals of Bruce’s faithlessness—his gradually becoming someone whose like he had not been raised to respect—that allowed for the proliferation of experience. Fragmentary visions of an encounter would return, as acid flashbacks are said to, unbidden. In this manner, Bruce came to understand literary metonymy: one taking his hand as the paddleboat beneath them rocked gently along the Guadalquivir, past a statue on the eastern bank that she said looked in the dusk-light like “a man fucking a dog”; one leaning quietly against his ample shoulder in the back of a bus on the way to Pamplona, an old-school camera around her neck whose pictures he would never see developed; one putting on hot pink exercise shorts in her rooms in Aguilar to signal a readiness to field his explorations, while the image of Frank Sinatra on the TV, overdubbed by a deep male voice singing the lyrics in Spanish, looked on; one, a native, speaking to him of her Catholic God, Padre Nuestro, while leading him at night to a secret, scratchy spot on top of the ancient aqueduct in Segovia where she curled her body into his, the little spoon, and passed back a silver packet whose purpose Bruce did not grasp until he tore it open and felt the slipperiness on his fingertips. Each of these women posed an unspoken question to Bruce, one he was not ready to answer, or that he went about answering with his every waking minute. By saying, in effect, Wait and You’ll See. Wait and You’ll See. As if he possessed an ability to return to moments long past and redeem inevitably broken endings. That is why it felt essential for him to publish. It was in the indulgence of the absent women’s regard that Bruce started taking his identity as a writer seriously. Their beauty possessed him in his loneliest moments.

6) Unlike in books, where all that happens remains suspended as in amber, time does not typically stand still while you are alive. On returning to the States after eight years, he felt hopelessly behind—a guy out-of-step, his hard-earned lessons mostly useless. Memories of life in Spain began to feel like a story that had happened to someone else, a character he knew from movies—or from books? Maybe Hemingway? Yes, he had hiked the entirety of El Camino Santiago over the course of his final April in country, burning the clothes off his back on the outcroppings of seaside Finisterra, the same way the early pagans did, but he had no e-mail account, no cell-phone. When he met a woman in New York City, he looked at her as if they were both already naked. This did not usually go over well with women his age, those who had already sown their wild oats and now sought an anchor of some kind. In their late 20s, his peers were drawing up arrangements, buying property, taking vows, birthing infants. He told himself the ill-defined situation in which he found himself was fitting for an aspiring writer and would compel him to write his way out of the obscurity his ambition had propelled him into. New York City announced itself as the overwhelmingly obvious destination.

And that is how he felt on first moving to New York City: overwhelmingly obvious.

He hated it. He hated living in New York City. He hated living and writing in New York City. His unpublished fiction swelled with evocations of his hatred for the place, his disdain for its most privileged avatars, their shallowness.

Friends told him he was crazy. Not regarding his writing, which no one read. They told him he was crazy regarding certain things he did and said on the spur of the moment, apparently failing to recognize his brilliance.

The woman he was sleeping with, Molly Fisk, laughed at him, right to his face, as if he meant to be cute. But he was earnest in his hatred.

So he broke up with her even though he liked her. Then he kept thinking about her while sleeping with other women—the kind of courage it took for her to be that unguarded with him. To punish her for making him think about her, he said to her over the phone and by e-mail the cruelest things he could think to say and write.

Bruce was speaking to his father over the phone more and more frequently, a landline for which the monthly charges were exorbitant, another facet of the city he hated. In these conversations, Bruce suggested he might soon return to Kansas City. Perhaps he would teach Spanish to Americans in the suburbs as he had formerly taught American to Spaniards.

There was a way things ought to be and the way things were—and no one in New York City seemed to care about the former, except as sound bite, a form of vamping, the ever fewer friends not embarrassed to spend time with Bruce and his fiscally restrained lifestyle, his growing bitterness, his disorientation. He had beheld mountaintops, ecstatic, near holy visions, and these city-dwellers had—what?

“That reminds me of…” he would start, thinking of some precious memory from Spain before trailing off. His friends—acquaintances old and new, extended family, one constant childhood companion now working in the city as a corporate lawyer—voiced the concerns they divined from his brooding, a manner of suggesting their empathy for his struggles. Bruce would hover behind a half-heartedly explored dinner plate, studying its outer edges. It was as if they thought empathy were all that was needed to ease his distress.

Holding eye contact with his dinner companion, whomever it might be, he would think to himself, on the one hand, “My friend is trying to understand.”

And then, on the other, “Fuck this friend!”

All of them were better off than he was, some very well off indeed, while Bruce grew into a dense ball of ire sinking down through the pavement stone. He attended fiction readings, but felt threatened by the success of others, even the most casual conversations turning up another writer paid to provide content at some ludicrous website. People said the future was blogs; they said e-books; self-publishing. He continued reading analog fiction and writing analog fiction and submitting analog fiction, even if doing so proved inevitably painful.

On more than one occasion, guys took what felt like a sexual interest in him, something to do with the transparency of his suffering. He smoked a cigarette bummed from a man outside an East Village gay bar, then walked away with his hands thrust deep into the pockets of his tattered cargo jacket.

Two things happened next.

Bruce befriended Aaron Ungarth over the course of a week in early September. Aaron was five or six years older but acted younger. He worked as an editor for the magazine where Bruce recently had started proofreading, at an office building off Houston St. Aaron was an alarmingly thin guy who dressed in punk rock tees and sandals no matter where he was going, the latter holdovers from his childhood on Nantucket.

Aaron, it turned out, harbored literary aspirations of his own. For the better part of a decade, he had been chipping away at a novel. It was about a former astronaut struggling with alcoholism and his brother, an ex-con stunt skydiver.

“It’s not a race,” Aaron said of writing. “But we probably need to feel like it is. Or no one’d ever complete a thing.”

They went out for drinks at the end of his first week, and Aaron dished on the magazine and the office-staff. Aaron Ungarth’s candor served as a kind of invitation: You Could Do What I’m Doing Too If That’s What You Really Wanted. Bruce felt immediately ready to pledge himself as Aaron’s most loyal ally.

The other thing was the worst.

One Tuesday morning a few blocks west of the subway stop, Bruce looked to the sky and saw a shroud of smoke spreading across it. He had noticed without slowing his step the clusters of murmuring people pointing and looking south. There was a story in his head and he did not want to lose it and felt he might if he stopped. As he stood on the sidewalk among onlookers—”Are they doing a movie?” one asked—another plane appeared at first like a tiny speck. Bruce already knew what would happen, as the speck became a bird, as if he had been dreaming it for years. People cried out. He studied the varicolored complexions of the faces around him. Their protesting and agonized faces were what he watched as the impact sounded.

He walked onward to the piers with his head down, willing the forward progress of his own feet. If he kept moving, maybe the guilt would leave him, the guilt of complicity, his hatred for the city, what he’d been stewing in. He stopped at the river running black and oblivious, the smoke rising higher in the sky.

He stared south.

Then turned around.

He must have looked composed because passersby met his eyes as if they felt there was something he could do to help them. As he approached 8th Avenue, an older, round-chinned, bespectacled woman, propping herself up against a mailbox, called out that she felt faint. For ten minutes, while the sirens wailed and the first trickles of the exodus from the tip of the island arrived north, Bruce walked with her at his side. They walked for blocks. It was a moment he would never forget and knew he would never forget while experiencing it. Like an abject wedding ceremony of some kind: the older woman’s arm across his shoulder, his own holding her up as they advanced step by step.

She had on a designer coat and a black button-down shirt. Her name was Victoria. Her parents and sisters lived in San Francisco, but her boyfriend, Truman, worked in the south tower on the 68th floor. Bruce asked her to recite the names of her family. Her phone was not working and Bruce did not own one. Crossing an intersection, she spotted a bench and said it would be OK to leave her there, she felt OK. She only needed to breathe. The smoke in the sky had grown denser. Bruce looked at the towers with their swirling dark coronas, then helped Victoria down to the bench. When he looked again, only one tower stood against the southern horizon. Cries rose over the rumbling, tremors passing underneath their feet.

“What has happened?” Victoria asked. “What has happened?”

“It’s bad,” said Bruce, watching through the canyon of the south-running avenue as a debris cloud surged over top the buildings in their direction. Maybe it would wash over them all, wipe away his life along with Victoria’s along with the rest.

It didn’t, settling and dispersing far from where they stood.

Victoria called out her boyfriend’s name, her eyes wheeling around wildly, wanting for focus.

“He’ll be OK,” said Bruce. “You’ll hear from him soon.”

“Oh God! Truman!” she said again, looking at Bruce as if he were her absent lover.

Victoria uttered some form of prayer and whispered words to the sky. Bruce thought of the Spanish girl on the aqueduct. He thought of Molly Fisk. He thought of his mother.

Ordering words on paper was the most idiotic thing. His entire adult life amounted to a series of wayward impulses, a long wandering from the path of the secure and the judicious.

That night, periodic shrieking of fighter jets overturned the sky’s silence.

Bruce called Molly Fisk. She was still angry but agreed to meet him for a drink. Afterwards, in her apartment, he found himself mired in her silence. She was on the coffee table, and staring at the ceiling, her sweater and jeans and panties on the floor beneath her feet, while he was lying flat on the floor to her right looking at her red hair draped over the side of the circular tabletop. She told him she was seeing someone else.

Those next few weeks he slept poorly, eyelids snapping open hours before dawn. The quality of his proofreading tanked and he quit his job before Aaron or one of the more senior editors was forced to fire him. Trucks freighted with destroyed remnants shuddered north through Manhattan. Thin contrails of smoke rose from the southern tip of the island.

A friend arranged for him to take a job as a custodian, which amounted mostly to wandering empty Midtown office corridors under fluorescent lighting. They asked him to clean the coffee machines. He found a used condom on the floor of a bathroom stall. Those who worked the longest hours would meet his approaching face under the fluorescence as if their crossing paths were not a real occurrence. Some smiled with exaggerated goodwill and moved briskly by. Some showed no affect at all and moved briskly by. Bruce felt keenly conscious of his displaced manners, egalitarian midwestern notions of politeness with no outlet for expression. These glancing encounters felt, in truth, not so different from the rejection notes he received for his stories, notes which seemed to become progressively more terse and less illuminating as time passed. Occasionally, “the Editors” misspelled his name or the title of his story. He stared at his own flesh with greater frequency, his palms, his forearms, his chest, alone in his apartment on waking in the early afternoon, the hair, the freckles, the absence of any trace of the women who had touched him. The appeal of tattoos dawned on him like an epiphany.

Molly did not return his calls, so he went in the afternoon to the East Village café he knew she frequented. She did much of her writing there, a set of reporter’s notepads spread across the ceramic tabletop in front of her. It was true that she wanted to see him—she could not hide it, the way her eyes widened, her expression an involuntary smile—but that did not prevent her saying the appropriate thing, which was that he should go. He told her to say it like she meant it, his tone passionate and vulnerable, and she looked down at her laptop for a moment, deciding what to do next.

She stood up to leave, and he followed her out of the café without speaking, feeling creepy and conflicted until he touched the small of her back. She did not flinch, and for a few strides he kept his hand there. She did not speak a word. They walked up the stairs to her third-floor apartment and began fucking while still in the hallway, moving into the apartment and slamming the door only when they heard someone enter on the first floor of the building.

This was Molly’s downstairs neighbor alongside Molly’s boyfriend, who had arrived outside at the same time. As the sound of footfalls on the stairs kept rising to her floor, Molly stared at Bruce, wide-eyed, wearing an expression of horror he had never seen before—and she rarely showed fear. A soft double-knock before a voice spoke from the other side of the door, Molly’s boyfriend’s voice, speaking Molly’s name. In her labyrinthine green eyes was the fact of her and Bruce, the inexplicability of their actions. As if she expected Bruce, the fiction writer, to speak some palliating truth she could repeat for the guy on the other side of the door. From the coffee table a half-carved pumpkin looked back at him with a smile but no eyes, only triangular outlines in pen. When all Bruce did was break eye contact and reach for his jeans on the floor, she hissed at him to go.

“Go how?” he whispered.

She pointed at the grated window to the fire escape. Carrying his boots by their laces between his teeth, he climbed the metal rungs in his socks and was still on the roof, putting on his boots and plotting how he would get down to the street, when Molly’s boyfriend surfaced on the ladder, a grizzled guy with an earring in each ear. Bruce did not like the look of him at all. He was not the sort of guy for Molly to be dating. The guy was stocky but shorter than him, and if Bruce had wanted a fight he was sure he could have taken him.

“What the fuck you doing, man?” the boyfriend said.

“What do you mean?”

“What’re you fuckin’ doing here?”

“I’m putting my boots on.”

“You’re fuckin’ up our lives, man,” he said.

“Let’s not be drama queens about this,” said Bruce.
The boyfriend punched him in the face, breaking his nose again.

Bruce did not lose his feet and would not meet the boyfriend’s gaze as blood from his nose dripped onto his shirt and his boots. The boyfriend made gasping sounds of disgust, maybe even fear, then returned to the fire escape, shaking pain from his fist.

He was standing at the front ledge of the building, pinching his nose with head tilted back in the October chill and looking through his vertigo at the street below, when Molly approached from behind him. She handed forward a bunch of tissue paper. He could taste the copper in his throat.

“I’m way off the fucking rails,” said Bruce, eyeing the empty sky.

“You said it,” she said. “Not me.”

The rising breeze stank of exhaust.

“I’m moving back to Spain.”

“Don’t move back to Spain.”

He looked at her intently with his head tilted, and Molly said, “You can’t look at me like that. I need you out of my life right now.”

Bruce nodded.

“I only mean, I don’t think going back to Spain will help you,” she said.

“My nose is fucking broken,” he mumbled.

“Jesus, I’m sorry,” she said. “The hospital’s only a couple of blocks away.”

“I love you,” he said.

“You need to leave,” she said. “I mean it.”

“I can make this better.”

“You have your own situation to deal with, dickhead.”

When he didn’t move to go, she said, “Love and desperation are not interchangeable.”

“Molly, I think they are, though.”

“Find someone you can talk to about that. I’ve already got a therapist.”

Aaron Ungarth was the one he found to talk to. Aaron was setting his novel aside in light of recent events, which “changed everything,” and had now embarked on a regimen of illicit pharmaceuticals to color his evenings and power his workdays. He assigned Bruce freelance articles that Bruce completed under a pseudonym and invited Bruce out wherever he went, nightclubs launched a couple of decades too late to appear in Bright Lights, Big City. Aaron conferred on Bruce a sense of belonging, the brotherhood of rebellion. The rhythm from the massive sound systems provided scaffolding for their spirits. Aaron bought the drinks as their nights drew onward. They had to shout to be heard. They had to choose their words well. Bruce swore he could see the circles around Aaron’s eyes turn darker, the skin of his face stretch thinner before his own eyes.

And then it was as if—as if it were just them, the conversation of two brothers, Aaron the older and more reckless, Bruce not too far behind and with scars to show for it. In a cab, Aaron told Bruce about the older brother he had grown up with, the motorcycle wreck and downward spiral he had helplessly witnessed, with that tone of there being facts in this life nothing can ever set right so why not leave the pretending and self-deception to those with an appetite for it? They were on their way somewhere, or returning, and it could almost have been romantic, thought Bruce, if Aaron weren’t speaking from the crest of a ‘shroom-high, Bruce himself extremely drunk, forehead pressed to the cool of the vibrating window. They passed across the Williamsburg Bridge and reentered Manhattan.

Bruce slept on the floor of Aaron’s spartanly furnished tenement apartment, a yoga mat someone had left behind providing a thin measure of comfort. In a corner at the front of the room was a tall black vase with a giant-leafed plant by the windows, the sole effort at decoration. Aaron emerged from the shower naked and stumbled into the darkness of his bedroom.

Bruce woke in the morning alone, replaying his memory of the night before.

“I knew what was going to happen,” Bruce had said, lying on the floor and eyeing the ceiling. “I saw it and already knew where the plane was going. It kills me I had that feeling inside of me, that hatred, that nihilism.”

“They are media whores like us,” said Aaron.

“I want to fucking disappear,” said Bruce.

“Making art’s always a kind of disappearance.”

“I’m just sick of my own striving. Sick as hell, you know?”

“Aleister Crowley lived his entire adult life either making art or fantasizing about humanity’s end—how we’d all disappear.”

That name again.

“Who’s that?”

“Aleister Crowley?”

Aaron had said a number of things that Bruce only retained on looking up the name later online. Yet he remembered how he felt, the excitement, a sense of dawning recognition as he trawled the internet the next day.

Frater Perdurabo.

Cambridge drop-out.

Intelligence agent.

Mountain climber.

Heir to a brewing fortune, occultist, bisexual, rebel idol, rock ‘n roll inspiration, writer and artist, straddler of the gap between Eastern and Western religion, founder of Thelema: pastiche spiritual code of the ascendant Will.

The atomizing reach of the internet, each user a node of quantifiable desires, had its spokesperson and prophet in the madman Crowley, whose entire life was striving to fulfill the insurrectionary power of the individual will. In Crowley, Bruce Copeland had the subject of his first novel, Mount Ire.

While researching Crowley at the 42nd St branch of the New York Public Library, Bruce grew quantifiably more like him, or maybe always had been and only now realized it. Like Crowley, Bruce revered his well-spoken father who, like Crowley’s at a much younger age, was dying of cancer. Like Crowley, Bruce found he had a talent for writing about sex, which he transmuted under a pseudonym into a steady paycheck from a nervy website. Like Crowley, Bruce lusted after long hikes, hard climbs. Like Crowley, Bruce had burned for sexual experience, holding it to be somehow synonymous with his desire for recognition as an artist-individualist. He would fall asleep with his head hanging back in the library chair, then startle awake to the image of Crowley’s face posed like a sun beaming through the expanse of time. Bruce, or the un-Bruce he had become, grew into the story of this man, this iconoclast.

And yet there were also ways Bruce was not at all like Crowley. Recognizing as much, Bruce considered how he might serve as a corrective consciousness, the one who could set right Crowley’s own corrective consciousness—calm the excesses of Crowley’s misogyny, the crippling cocaine addiction, the belief in magick. An earthy scent rose from the library copy of the autobiography’s pages.

Magick was the pretense Crowley needed to make his acts of transgression socially palatable: the drug intake, sexual barriers overthrown, cavalier adventuring, his means of inculcating new seekers, new pupils. Remove the title of master and Crowley would only have been—what? One more dissolute maniac. So, while Bruce initially condescended to the idea of magick, his understanding of the term gradually evolved, taking on deeper meaning: what was the difference, after all, between the obscurity of Bruce’s present life, selling his writing under fake names, and his desired future where his actual name appeared on the cover of a novel, if not, in some sense, magic?

Or magick, as spelled by Crowley, clever at making everything his own. The fantasized transformation in Bruce’s life had mostly to do with a transformation in the way he would be perceived, which, above all other games, was Crowley’s most passionate:

1) Invoke an authority seized from history.

2) Commit yourself to actions considered transgressive by the standards of your time.

3) Show no qualm about propagating the myth of yourself.

4) Convey how your work stands as a corrective to, or an escape hatch from, the faults of the present-day.

5) Welcome followers; ravish them; make them see as you see.

6) Number all lists in sixes as Crowley would appreciate your doing if alive to see it.

The manuscript for Mount Ire did not sell for three years.

Molly Fisk embedded with troops on the way to Iraq, her work in the months-long interregnum between invasion and insurgency prescient of the chaos to come. When she returned to the states, she returned to a book deal and a position as a foreign correspondent for the Paper of Record. Her agent read Bruce’s work and recommended another agent, who signed Bruce on.

Before she moved to Jerusalem, Bruce memorized a poem by William Carlos Williams, and early one evening, recited it to Molly in Battery Park. Until she interrupted.

“Is there a better way to say what you want to say?” Molly asked.

“Without you, I’m nothing,” which brought tears to her eyes.

Over her shoulder hovered the dented sphere salvaged from the plaza beneath the towers. People milled around it, taking photos.

“Fuck you,” she said, brushing her cheeks with the back of one hand.

He reached to her face to help. “I love you, too.”

“We’re making a scene.”

“No,” said Bruce. “Nobody cares.”

Mount Ire sold.

Bruce was not expecting much.

His father died, and Bruce returned to Kansas City for the funeral. He gave his mother a box of autographed copies of the novel.

A TV book club chose the novel for the month of May, 2005.

Bruce surprised Molly in Jerusalem. By the time of his departure, they were engaged.

The novel sold well and Bruce was offered an adjunct position at Columbia. He stopped writing porn-for-hire and quit what he imagined would be his final odd job.

Crowley already had dimmed in memory, buried beneath the demands of the following two manuscripts, each of which subsequently sold to a prominent publishing house for seven figures.

Bruce found himself possessed of the sort of wherewithal he had resigned himself from ever knowing.

A movie was made of Mount Ire.

Molly returned to live in New York City, taking a job as a talking head on a foreign affairs TV show.

Bruce invested in the stock market.

He donated generously to charity.

“The famous Bruce Copeland,” Molly called him.

“Shut up,” said Bruce.

The Woman in the Barn

Jaclyn Gilbert

Joseph and I are soon to be hitched in my sister’s house with white sideboards and purple geraniums sprawling from black pots.

     Joseph didn’t give me any kind of engagement ring. He gave me a wooden clock. I told him, Joseph, let’s be more like the English and go for carats, our value in carats, with a thirteen grand baseline.

     But he said: Lydia, our people bequeath clocks and china and tools, family tokens and borrowed things, useful things.

     There’s a woman outside—she’s still locked up in Joseph’s family barn like a cow.

     I’ve only seen her once, caught a glimpse through a crack while I waited for Joseph to finish his plowing. It was April, just before our fourth courting walk. The woman’s hair was flying wild from her mull cap as if someone went and took all her bobby pins, and she was screaming something about Martyrs Mirror:

     I am but dust and ash approach thee, she said.

     Usually, in church, we see it as our sacred privilege to recite, O my savior and redeemer, those defenseless lambs, who were sacrificed by water fire sword and wild beasts.

     The woman kept asking for chalk, a board, something to write on.

     Listen, my hands are dry as flint. I had to tell her.

     Later during our walk, I asked Joseph:

     Is she a wild beast? The kind of woman who’d scrape out her own eyes, knock out her own teeth? Like a rabid dog I once saw my father shoot when it stole chicken eggs from the coop because there was no mercy, God had no tolerance for that!

     But Joseph answered me, Lydia, she can’t be any of those things. The devil Himself has possessed her. She’s not fit to marry or bear any kind of child. We can’t trust her hands for needlework.

     Our winter seasons for sewing have always been long like a slumber while the men dry tobacco the little boys speared. They work the cows too hard in the barn milking up the light of day. Dusk at four and dinner at five. We go to bed early. We pray before we sleep.

     Dark blue, they tell us to wear on our wedding day. O be humble before God. Like a bruise. And dark colors to absorb the light. We will have to keep the lights dim for the ceremony.

     There was something like dust in the woman. The way her dry lips cracked. Screeching out words like chalk scraped over hard dark black. That chalk she kept asking me for, to write out symbols and things about God’s consuming flames.

     She said to me: Here’s rue for you, some for me….I would give you some violets!

     Violet, whose violet? Violet the color of my eye when Joseph hits. He started when I wondered, pressed him, whether the barn woman truly deserved this. Sometime not long after, he asked for my hand, and I gave it.

     Next to the Bible, Martyrs Mirror is our most sacred book. I’ve begun pressing fresh lilac between some of the pages.

     Luke said, Blessed are ye that weep now, for ye shall laugh.

     I am waiting for the flowers to dry.

     I’ve seen a picture of an English wedding. In the house of a family I clean for every week. On Thursdays I scrub for twenty an hour this English house, but don’t I dare touch a current of spark. No vacuum or washer and dryer either. No electric iron.

     In the picture, the bride, she’s let her hair down: lilac-strewn. I’d like that too. Some flowers in my hair to scatter after all’s been said and done.

     I am seventeen and Joseph is twenty. We don’t go by legal age, more by what our family thinks is a good fit and these weeks of courting we took. Long walks barefoot by the far creek holding hands and hiccupping words like chimes. The soft sound bells make I used to mistake for laughter.

     The woman in the barn did smile at me, said she too had wanted more than china, more than a clock. Perhaps she asked for chalk so she could write out a different story.

     Mankind: the essential thing, the useful thing, she said. But it isn’t always! she howled.

     Joseph noticed me during volleyball practice one Sunday after Church, after choir. I have never liked running much. He used to watch me slap my hands wildly. I would giggle, but during our first walk in the woods Joseph told me to stop that. He told me I wasn’t very intelligent.

     My mother has asked about my eye. I said wedding china fell down from the hutch when I was getting the new house ready.

     She told me to be more careful. This is your sacred life beginning, Lydia, she said. Your house with Joseph will be under God.

     At first bruises are purple, like broken moonlight. I’ve started counting the nighttime stars. Someone’s missing teeth, I think. More sweet lilacs pressed next to the words of Timothy:

      If we suffer, we shall also reign with Him.

     The creek where Joseph and I took our first courting walks glittered with shadows from the spring tree leaves. Against the water there was a sallow color like ripening corn, white to greenish gray and yellow. Joseph once kissed me there. I tasted sunlight and the fields and plough wheels turning around the soft dead dirt.

     I’ve practiced twisting lipstick tops when cleaning the English family’s bathroom. Stole the matron’s rouge into my apron pocket and caught myself doing it in the mirror.

     I had stared at the barn woman’s face that day and wondered about violets and lilies and hundreds of colors bleeding into flowers and how different each petal looks depending on which way you turn it under the sun.

     Eye bruises, they must take a long time to heal. We aren’t allowed to watch our reflections in this community.

     I started coating the tender rings round my eye with flour dust. I tell my sisters and brothers it is leftover from so much pie baking these final days before the wedding.

     In school they taught us to write out Sorry in chalk. Our Father Our Creator we had to write. I’m Sorry we wrote it one hundred times over on the blackboard: I will not talk when someone else is talking.

     The barn woman approached me when I told her. Then she licked my wrist.

     Devil’s tongue, it gets us into trouble! she screamed, We are full of sin! She lay down in the hay then, laughing.

     I am pressing more lilac next to Samuel who said:

     Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes.

     The English have lace underwear. I found some in that matron’s vanity drawer while cleaning. The word is lingerie, but I would never say it out loud:

     Joseph, would you love me in lingerie?

     The woman in the barn was small like early daisies. She wrapped herself around rafters with arms like frail stems, skin like pollen dust. Sunlight leaked through the sideboard cracks, got caught in her eye: a fire like the sharp dots English tools make. Electric saws splitting wood. She stared into me.

     What if I go blind, the bruises leak to my eye, my brain? I want to go back and ask the barn woman. I would tell her I clean houses to pay for prescriptions, fancy ointments and stark white swathes.

     It’s been weeks since Joseph last hit me by the far creek. My bruises faded shadow blue, like pearls. Joseph says he’s giving me this short time to heal before the wedding.

     Stray straw fell out into the barn as the woman howled among the rafters. She touched her face like it hurt, like it was mine.

     Maybe I’ll bring her more than chalk if I go back. I’ll bring her dry corn fodder and tobacco leaves, cow grease, swine oil, saddles, harnesses, ropes, discs, and wheels. I’ll bring her eyehooks and nails and twine. Some truss board too. I’ll bring her water from the river.

     I want to believe the sun is enough to tell the time, that Joseph and I won’t need a clock beside our bed after we marry.

     The creek water drips into a river that winds long away from the community. It gurgles under the highway, grows murky from black underthings and inky spiders. It laps and eddies around sediment making clay. We could build things, I cried to Joseph when he last struck me, we could, if we let our hair go and wandered past the perimeter.

     But Joseph’s hand continued down, and he said he had no urge. To follow the flickering silver tail of the river out of our farm. The water tastes like metal, or has the blood finally dried into my mouth like black clay ebony?

     I want to believe cold sunlight in the morning and fire at night for warmth are of the same piece. That the quake of lightning shooting sparks along the English lines chattering during storms are needful, natural wants.

     Joseph doesn’t believe in fear. He doesn’t believe lightning can kill. The second time he hit me in the woods he told me to thank the rain. To kneel before it.

     I wonder if the woman in the barn ever touched an electric hand-mixer, power drill, reciprocating saw, immersion blender, dishwasher, fuel rotary hammer, pressure cooker, or automatic rifle. Joseph says it’s violence. Technology, electricity, all of it Godless and violent.

     Daniel was cast into a den of lions, to be torn by them, but God protected him. The dried lilacs crackle beside his name where I’m moving them, the dust of purple faint by black words the woman in the barn would like scratched into chalk white light.

     The woman in the barn said there were more than four seasons. Hundreds more than that. Millions, because light is all tiny particles exploding at different speeds and pulses. She said she wanted to read Physics and History and Biology. Evil subjects of war and vanity, she wants to know more than God, but how can we know that?

     The last time Joseph hit me he said that fear and love were not the same, especially false love, idol love, which is wanting things, and I am not supposed to want any more than exactly what I have.

     Black sparrows and ravens have a sheen of violet satin in their feathers, as if they’d been hiding them all along. The light brings it out in them: lavender silver and gold as natural things more than any useful thing that flutters my pulse, a batting of my eye and quiver in my mouth like that first kiss I blew for Joseph during volleyball.

     He would hit me with a pitchfork in the hayloft if I said lin-ger-ie, puncturing each syllable, and hearing the song of it with my sweet lavender voice.

     Did she sit at a wedding table, alone, the woman in the barn? Did she shield her face with her hand as we do against the sunlight? Her eyes crossed and dizzied by the closeness of a corner, where she sat and stared and waited?

     She was watching me as she ate chaff in the barn, her mouth frothing white from it: this leftover dust we feed to the cows. I wish I had recited out words like lilac lingerie and black lace spiders and daisy lips and cordless drill through the barn door wall.

     Joseph took back my stolen lipstick. He hit me and said I’d burn in hell.

     I’ll burn for it, this sin, he told me—until I am but nothing but dry spark and dust and ash. A feeble flame hobbling from his hands rubbing together and clapping me out.

     Tomorrow they’ll prop us up blue-dressed and mull-cap-pinned like dolls.

     Joseph, with his heavy clock, black hat, and long dark beard will be waiting for me.

     I found the lipstick buried in with Joseph’s wool cutting shears. I placed it back in my apron with blackberry jam from the cellar, and carried a leather harness with swine oil and my Martyr’s Mirror to the woman in the barn. I let her choose the words she wanted. She asked for those of Samuel. Lighten mine eyes, she said.

     Together we crushed and let loose the pale dust of dried lilac.

Nine Inches

by Tom Perrotta

Ethan didn’t want to go to the middle school dance, but the Vice Principal twisted his arm. He said it was like jury duty: the system only made sense if everybody stepped up and nobody got special treatment.

            Besides, he added, you might as well do it now, get it over with before the new baby comes and things get even crazier.

            Ethan saw the logic in this, but it didn’t make him feel any less guilty about leaving the house on Friday evening with the dishes unwashed and Fiona just getting started on her nightly meltdown—apparently her busy toddler day wasn’t complete unless she spent an hour or two shrieking her head off before bedtime. Dana smiled coldly at him from the couch, as if he’d volunteered to be a chaperone out of spite, just to make her life that much more difficult.

            “Don’t worry about us,” she called out as he buttoned his coat. “We’ll be fine.”

            She had to speak in a louder-than-normal voice to make herself heard over Fiona, who was standing in the middle of the living room in yellow Dr. Denton’s, her fists balled and her face smeared with a familiar glaze of snot, tears, and unquenchable fury.

            “No, Daddy!” she bellowed. “You stay home!”<br />

            “I’m sorry,” Ethan said, not quite sure if he was apologizing to his wife or his child. “I tried to get out of it.”

            Dana scoffed, as if this were a likely story. She was usually a more understanding person, but this pregnancy wasn’t bringing out the best in her. Only five months along, she had already begun groaning like a martyr every time she hoisted herself out of a chair or bent down to tie her shoe. She was also sweating a lot, and her face had taken on a permanent pink flush, as if she were embarrassed by her entire life. Ethan couldn’t say he was looking forward to the next several months. Or the next several years, for that matter.

            “Love you guys,” he said, inching toward the door.

#

His spirits lifted as he got into his car. It was a crisp March night with a faraway whiff of spring sweetening the breeze, and he couldn’t help noticing what a relief it was to be out of the house, going somewhere— anywhere—in the dark on a weekend. He just wished his destination could have been a little more exciting.

            When Ethan first got hired at the Daniel Webster Middle School, teachers weren’t expected to babysit the kids at social functions. But that was back in a more innocent time, before the notorious Jamaican Beach Party of 2006, a high school dance that degenerated into a drunken brawl/gropefest and scandalized the entire community. Six kids were arrested for fighting, three for misdemeanor sexual assault, and two for pot; eight more were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. Cellphone videos of some shockingly dirty dancing made their way onto the Internet, causing severe embarrassment for several senior girls-gonewild who had stripped down to bikinis during the festivities and become the focus of unwanted attention from a rowdy group of varsity lacrosse and hockey players. Dances were cancelled for an entire year, then reinstated under a host of strict new rules, including one that required the presence of faculty chaperones, who would presumably impose the kind of professional discipline that had been lacking in the past.

            Ethan thought the new rules made sense for high school, where the kids were old enough and resourceful enough to get into real trouble, but it felt like overkill to extend it to the middle school, one more burden added to a job that already didn’t pay nearly enough, though he knew better than to complain to anyone who wasn’t a teacher. He was sick and tired of people reminding him that he got summers off and should therefore consider himself lucky.

            Yeah, he didn’t have to teach in July and August, but so what? It wasn’t like he got to while away eight weeks at the beach, or lounge in a hammock by the lake. He didn’t even get to sit home reading fat biographies of the founding fathers or taking his kid to the playground. He was a thirty-two-year-old man with a master’s degree in history and he still spent his summer vacations the same way he had when he was sixteen— standing behind the counter of his father’s auto parts store, ringing up wiper blades and air filters to make a little extra cash.

            <br />For the second time in less than twelve hours, he parked in the faculty lot and made the familiar trudge around the side of the building to the main entrance, where a crowd of boisterous seventh and eighth graders had already begun to gather; there was no such thing as being fashionably late to a dance that went from seven to nine thirty.

            Ethan was popular with the kids—he was, he knew, widely considered to be one of the cool teachers—and a number of them shouted out his name as he passed: *Mr. Weller! Hey, it’s Mr. Weller! *Oddly gratified by the recognition, he acknowledged his fans with a quick wave as he approached the double doors, onto one of which someone had taped a single sheet of red paper, its message printed in big black letters: THIS IS HOW WE PARTY.

            The main hallway was deserted, faintly ominous despite—or maybe because of—the Mylar balloons taped to classroom doorknobs and the festive hand-lettered signs posted on the walls to mark the big occasion: *Dream Big! The Sky’s the Limit!! Prepare to Meet Your Future!!! *Ethan was a little puzzled by these phrases—they seemed off-message for a dance, more like motivational slogans than manifestos of fun—but he wasn’t all that surprised. The kids at Daniel Webster were products of their time and place, dogged little achievers who were already taking SAT prep courses and padding their resumes for college. Apparently they were ambitious even when they danced.

            As far as he knew, the other chaperones on duty were Rudy Battista and Sam Spillman, so he wasn’t sure what to make of it when he spied Charlotte Murray checking her reflection in the glass of a vending machine outside the cafeteria. She turned at the sound of his footsteps, looking unusually pleased to see him. Her expression changed as he got closer, her mouth stretching into a comical grimace of despair.

            “Help,” she cried, flinging her arms around his neck as if he were a long-lost relative. “I’m trapped at an eighth grade dance!”

            Charlotte was an art teacher, a bit of a bohemian, one of the more interesting women on the faculty. Ethan patted her cautiously on the upper arm, struck by how pretty her reddish-gold hair looked against the green of her sweater. There was a nice clean smell coming off her, a humid aura of shampoo and something faintly lemony.

            “I’m filling in for Sam,” she explained upon releasing him. “His father’s back in the hospital.”

            Ethan nodded solemnly, trying to show the proper respect for his colleague’s ailing parent. Secretly, though, he was delighted. Sam was a social black hole, the kind of guy who could buttonhole you in the teacher’s lounge and kill your whole free period telling you about the problem he was having with his dishwasher. Trading him for Charlotte was a major upgrade.

            “It’s your lucky day,” she said, as if reading his mind. “No kidding.”

            They smiled at each other, but Ethan couldn’t help noticing a slight awkwardness in the air. He and Charlotte had been good friends during his first year at Daniel Webster. He was single back then, always up for a movie or a drink, and she was separated from her husband. For a little while there—this was five years ago, ancient history—they seemed on the verge of maybe getting involved, but it didn’t happen. She went back to Rob, he met Dana, and their lives headed off on separate tracks. These days they only saw each other at school, and limited their conversation to polite small talk.

            “So how are you?” she asked.

            “*Okay*.” Ethan pronounced the word with more emphasis than it usually received. He was suddenly conscious of his thinning hair, the weight he’d put on since knee surgery had ended his pickup basketball career. He was three years younger than Charlotte, but you wouldn’t have guessed it from looking at them. “You know, not bad. How about you?”

            “Great,” she replied, making a face that undercut the word. In the past year or so, she’d taken to wearing oval, black-framed eyeglasses that made her look like a college professor in a Van Halen video. “Nothing too exciting. How’s your little girl?”

            “Adorable. When she’s not screaming.”

            Charlotte took this as a joke; Ethan didn’t bother to correct her. “And you’re having another?”

            “Yeah, figured we should do it now, before we get used to sleeping through the night.”

            She said she was happy for him, but he could see it took some effort. Kids were a sore spot in her marriage. She wanted to start a family, but her husband—he was a struggling scrap metal sculptor, deeply devoted to his art—refused to even consider the possibility. This had been the cause of their separation, and nothing seemed to have changed since they’d gotten back together.

            They were saved from this tricky subject by the arrival of Rudy Battista, barely recognizable in khakis, a brown turtleneck, and a checkered blazer, a far cry from the crinkly nylon sweatsuits he wore to teach gym every day.

            “Look at you,” Charlotte called out. “Got a date?”

            Rudy adjusted his lapels, his face shining with health and good humor.

            “It’s a special occasion. I believe it calls for a certain elegance.”

            “I wish you’d told me that an hour ago,” Charlotte complained, but Ethan thought she looked just fine in her simple skirt and sweater combo, the black tights and ankle-high boots adding a slightly funky touch to the ensemble. He was the slacker of the group in his baggy—the technical term was “relaxed”—jeans and suede Pumas. At least his shirt had buttons.

            “I brought you guys a present,” Rudy said. He reached into his pocket and produced two identical strips of soft yellow measuring tape, the kind favored by tailors. He handed one to each of his colleagues. “Exactly nine inches long.”

            “Are you serious?” Ethan asked. The Vice-Principal had briefed him on the Nine-Inch Rule a couple of days ago—it stipulated that students had to keep their bodies at least that far apart while dancing—but it didn’t seem like the kind of thing that was meant to be taken literally. “We’re actually supposed to measure?”

            “Just during the slow songs,” Rudy explained. “The kids think it’s funny.”

            Charlotte shot a skeptical glance at Ethan, who shrugged and stuffed the measuring tape into his pocket. She pulled her own piece taut in front of her face and pondered it for a couple of seconds.

            “If that’s nine inches,” she said, “someone’s got some explaining to do.”

#

Ethan spent the first half-hour of the dance manning the table outside the cafeteria, taking tickets, checking IDs, and crossing names off a master list, while a uniformed cop hulked in the doorway behind him, scrutinizing the kids for signs of drug or alcohol abuse. Lieutenant Ritchie was an older guy—he had to be pushing sixty—with a brushy white mustache and none of the mellowness you might have expected from a small-town cop coasting toward retirement. He introduced himself as a special departmental liaison to the school board, appointed to oversee security at dances and sporting events. He said the position had been created specially for him.

            “One of my nieces got caught up in that Jamaican mess,” he said, shaking his head as if the trauma were still fresh. “We let that thing get outta hand.”

            Ethan had to turn away two kids at the door, but not because they’d been partying: Carlie Channing had forgotten her ID and Mike Gruber hadn’t realized that the tickets had to be purchased in advance. Both of them begged for one-time indulgences that Ethan would have been happy to provide, but Lieutenant Ritchie made it clear that no exceptions would be permitted on his watch. He seemed to take it for granted that he was the final arbiter, and Ethan had no reason to assume otherwise. Carlie left in tears, Mike in sullen bewilderment.

            “It’s a good lesson for them,” the Lieutenant observed. “Follow the rules, you got nothing to worry about.”

            Ethan nodded without enthusiasm, vaguely ashamed of himself for knuckling under so easily. Carlie returned ten minutes later with her ID, but he was haunted for the rest of the night by the thought of poor Mike wandering the empty streets, exiled from the fun on account of a technicality.

            <br />It was a relief to slip into the cafeteria, where the lights were low and the music was loud. Assuming an affable, *don’t-mind-me *expression, Ethan joined his colleagues at their observation post by the snack station. Every few songs one of them would venture out on a leisurely reconnaissance mission, but mostly they just nibbled on chips and Skittles while commenting on the action unfolding around them.

            “Look at that.” Rudy directed their attention to Allie Farley, a leggy seventh-grader teetering past them in high heels and an alarmingly short skirt. “That can’t be legal.”

            Charlotte craned her neck for a better look. She was the chaperone in charge of dress code enforcement.

            “It wasn’t that short when she came in. She must’ve hiked it up.” Allie was chasing after Ben Willis, a shaggy-haired, delicate-looking kid who was one of the alpha jocks of Daniel Webster. When she caught up she spun him around and began lecturing him on what appeared to be a matter of extreme urgency, judging from the slightly deranged look on her face and the chopping gesture she kept making with her right hand. Similar conferences were taking place all over the cafeteria, agitated girls explaining to clueless boys the roles they’d been assigned in the evening’s dramas.

            For his part, Ben just stared up at her—she had at least half a foot on him—and gave an occasional awestruck nod, as if she were some supernatural being, rather than a classmate he’d known since kindergarten. Ethan sympathized; Allie had gone a little crazy with the eyeliner and lipstick, and he was having trouble connecting the fearsome young woman on the dance floor with the giggly, fresh-faced girl he taught in fourthperiod Social Studies. She seemed to have undergone some profound, irreversible transformation.

            “I wish I could’ve worn something like that when I was her age,” Charlotte said. “I had scoliosis and back then you had to wear this awful body brace. It looked like I was wearing a barrel.”

            “I didn’t know that,” Ethan said.

            “I never told you?” Charlotte seemed surprised. Back when they were pals, they’d stayed out late drinking and talking on numerous occasions, and had covered a fair amount of personal history. “Junior high was a nightmare.”

            “Must’ve been tough,” Rudy said.

            “Long time ago,” Charlotte said with a shrug. “But sometimes I wish I could have those years back.”

            Allie turned away from Ben and began signaling to Amanda DiCarlo, a petite dark-haired girl who was standing nearby. Eyes widening with horror, Amanda clapped one hand over her mouth and shook her head. Allie beckoned again, this more emphatically, but Amanda wouldn’t move. She was wearing a white lab coat with a stethoscope slung around her neck, an outfit that marked her as a member of the Social Activities Committee, the group that organized the dances. The S.A.C. apparently insisted on picking a theme for each event—tonight’s was Dress as Your Future, which at least explained the cryptic signs in the hallway—but no one seemed to know or care about the theme except the committee members themselves. In addition to the cute physician, a basketball player, a ballerina, a CEO, and a female astronaut were circulating throughout the cafeteria, looking a bit sheepish as they interacted with their uncostumed peers.

            Overcome with impatience, Allie seized Amanda by the arm, forcibly tugged her over to Ben, and then scampered off, leaving the newly constituted couple to fend for themselves. They barely had time to exchange blushes before “Umbrella” began to play and Amanda’s shyness suddenly vanished. It was like she became another person the instant she started dancing, mature and self-assured, a pretty medical student just off work and out to have a good time. Ben hesitated a few seconds before joining her, his movements stiff and a bit clunky, eyes glued on his partner as dozens of classmates surged onto the floor, surrounding and absorbing them into a larger organism, a drifting, inward-looking mass of adolescent bodies.

            Ethan wasn’t sure why he found himself so riveted by the spectacle of his students dancing. Individually, most of the kids didn’t look graceful or even particularly happy; they were far too anxious or self-conscious for that. Collectively, though—and this was the thing that intrigued him— they gave off an overwhelming impression of energy and joy. You could see it in their hips and shoulders, their flailing arms and goofy faces, the pleasure they took in the music and their bodies, the conviction that they occupied the absolute center of a benign universe, the certainty that there was no place else to be but right here, right now. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt like that.

            He was so busy staring that it took him a little while to notice Charlotte’s arm brushing against his. She was swaying in place, her elbow knocking rhythmically against his forearm, lingering a second or two before floating away. When he turned to smile at her, she responded with a long quizzical look. In the forgiving darkness of the cafeteria, she could’ve easily been mistaken for twenty-five, a young woman full of potential, a stranger to disappointment. She leaned in closer, bringing her lips to his ear.

            “You okay?” she asked. “You seem a little sad.”

            <br />The trouble started during a moment of deceptive calm, a lull he recognized too late as the eye of the hormonal hurricane. It was a little before nine o’clock—the home stretch—and Ethan was feeling loose and cheerful. If pressed, he might have even been willing to admit that he was enjoying himself. The kids had prevailed upon the teachers to join them for a few line dances—the Electric Slide, the Cotton-Eyed Joe, the Macarena—and he felt like he’d survived the ordeal not only with his dignity intact but with his good-guy reputation enhanced. Then he’d been invited to preside over the raffle, pulling names out of a Red Sox cap and bestowing gift certificates for pizza and frozen yogurt on winners who couldn’t have been more excited if he’d been handing out iPods.

            He was making his way back to the snack station when a vaguely familiar slow song began to play; Charlotte later told him it was “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. He felt something stirring among the kids, a sudden sense of urgency as they scanned the room for prospective partners. At the same time, the DJ turned on his special effects machine, a revolving sphere that shot off an array of multi-colored lights, painting the cafeteria and everyone in it with a swirling psychedelic rainbow.

            There must’ve been something hypnotic about the combination of that song and those lights, because Ethan stopped in the middle of the dance floor and let it wash over him. All around him, kids were forming couples, moving into each other’s arms, and without fully realizing what he was doing, he found himself scanning the room, searching for Charlotte. It wasn’t until he located her—she was wandering among the dancers, checking for compliance with the Nine-Inch Rule—that Ethan finally emerged from his trance, remembering that he had a job to do. For the first time since Rudy had given it to him, he reached into his pocket and withdrew his yellow tape.

            There’d been slow dances earlier in the evening, but the kids hadn’t seemed too interested. Relatively few couples had ventured onto the floor, and the ones who did had been extremely well-behaved. This time, though, maybe because the night was winding down, Ethan sensed a different mood in the cafeteria. Most of the dancers still kept a safe distance, but a significant minority were inching closer, testing the limits of what was permissible, and a handful had gone into open rebellion, pressing together with moony looks on their faces and no daylight between them.

            When Ethan came upon one of these pairs, he tapped both partners on the shoulder and held up the measuring tape as a helpful reminder. He was pleased to discover that Rudy was right—the kids seemed to enjoy the intervention, or at least not mind it. Some smiled guiltily, while others pretended to have made an honest mistake. In any case, no one protested or resisted.

            The song must have been about halfway over by the time he spotted Amanda and Ben. They had drifted away from the herd, creating a small zone of privacy for themselves on the edge of the dance floor. Even at first glance, something seemed strange about them, almost forbidding. The other couples had at least made a show of slow-dancing, but these two were motionless, clinging to each other in perfect, almost photographic stillness. Amanda was melting against Ben, arms wrapped tight around his waist, her face crushed into his chest. His eyes were closed, his lips slightly parted; he appeared to be concentrating deeply on the smell of her hair.

            Ethan knew what he was supposed to do, but the role of chaperone suddenly felt oppressive to him. They just looked so blissful, it seemed wrong even to be watching them—almost creepy—but for some reason he couldn’t manage to avert his eyes, let alone move.

            He wasn’t sure how long he’d been staring at them before Lieutenant Ritchie appeared at his side. Ethan nodded a greeting, but the Lieutenant didn’t reciprocate. After a moment, he jutted his chin at the young lovers.

            “You gonna do something about that?”

            “Probably not,” Ethan replied. “Song’s almost over.”

            The Lieutenant squinted at him. Bands of red, yellow, and green light flickered across his face.

            “That’s a clear violation. You gotta break it up.” Ethan shrugged, still hoping to run out the clock. “They’re not hurting anybody.”

            “What are you, their lawyer?”

            By this point, Rudy and Charlotte had arrived on the scene, the combined presence of all four adults creating an official air of crisis. Ethan could feel the attention of the whole dance shifting in their direction.

            “What’s going on?” Rudy asked. He was all business, like a paramedic who’d happened upon an accident.

            Lieutenant Ritchie glared at Ben and Amanda who remained glued together, oblivious to anything beyond themselves. Charlotte looked worried. The damn song just kept on going. Ethan knew when he was beat.

            “It’s okay,” he assured his colleagues. “I’m on it.”

            <br />Later, in the bar, Ethan tried to describe the look on Amanda’s face right before he pried her away from Ben. The way he remembered it, her expression wasn’t so much angry as uncomprehending; he’d had to call her name three times just to get her to look up. Her eyes were dull and vacant, like she’d been jolted out of a deep sleep.

            “I don’t think she even knew where she was,” Ethan said. “She’s a sweet kid,” Charlotte pointed out.

            “Tell that to the Lieutenant.”

            “Ugh.” Charlotte’s mouth contracted with disgust. “I’m surprised he didn’t use his pepper spray.”

            Lieutenant Ritchie had insisted on formally ejecting Ben and Amanda from the dance, a punishment that carried a mandatory two-day suspension and required immediate parental notification. Ben’s dad had at least been polite on the phone—he apologized for his son’s behavior and promised there would be consequences at home—but Amanda’s mother treated the whole situation like a joke. *It was a dance*, she told Ethan, pronouncing the words slowly and clearly, as if for the benefit of an imbecile. *They were dancing at a dance*. She made him explain the Nine-Inch Rule in great detail, correctly sensing that he found it just as ridiculous as she did.

            “I still remember the first time I danced like that,” Ethan said. They were working on their second drink—Rudy had joined them for the first round, but left after receiving a phone call from his wife—and the bourbon was having a welcome effect on his jangled nerves. “Must’ve been seventh grade, with Jenny Wong. She was just a friend, a girl from down the block, but it was such an amazing feeling to have her pressed up against me like that, with all those people around. One of the highlights of my life.”

            “You’re lucky,” Charlotte said, sounding like she meant it. “When I was that age, I used to sit alone in my room and make out with my arm.”

            “Really?”

            “It wasn’t so bad.” She glanced tenderly at the crook of her elbow. “I still do it sometimes. When nothing else is going on.”

            Ethan smiled. It felt good, being here with Charlotte. McNulty’s had always been their bar of choice—they’d sat more than once at this very table—and he couldn’t quite shake the feeling that the past five years had never happened, that they were right back where they’d left off. He had to make an effort not to blurt out something inappropriate, like how much he missed talking to her, how wrong it was that such a simple pleasure had vanished from his life.

            “By the way,” he said. “I really like your glasses.”

            “Thanks.” Her smile was unconvincing. “I prefer contacts, but my eyes get dry.”

            He studied her irises—they were hazel with golden flecks—as if checking on their moisture level.

            “Something wrong?” she asked.

            “Not really,” he replied. “This is just kinda weird, isn’t it?”

            Charlotte looked down at the table. When she looked up, her face seemed older, or maybe just sadder.

            “I don’t know if you heard,” she said. “Rob and I are getting divorced.”

            “No, I hadn’t. I’m sorry.”

            She shrugged. “We’ve been thinking about it for a while. At least I have.”

            Ethan hesitated; the air between them seemed suddenly dense, charged with significance.

            “To tell you the truth,” he said, “I never understood why you went back to him.”

            Charlotte considered this for a moment.

            “I almost didn’t,” she said. “I was all set to leave him for good. That night I slept on your couch.”

            He didn’t have to ask her to be more specific. She’d slept on his couch exactly once, and he remembered the occasion all too well. Her thirtieth birthday. He’d made lasagna and they’d killed a bottle of champagne. They both agreed she was too drunk to drive home.

            “I waited for you all night,” she told him. “You never came.” A harsh sound issued from his throat, not quite a laugh.

            “I wanted to. But we had that long talk, remember? You said you still loved Rob, and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.”

            “I was stupid.” Charlotte tried to smile, but she seemed to have forgotten which muscles were involved. “I was so sure we were going to sleep together, I guess I overcompensated. Rob and I had been together since freshman year of college. I just wanted you to know what you were getting into.”

            “You’ve gotta be kidding.” A bad taste flooded into Ethan’s mouth, something sharp and bitter the whisky couldn’t wash away. “I was dying for you. That was the longest night of my life.”

            “I thought you’d abandoned me.” “But you said—”

            “I was confused, Ethan. I needed you to help me.” “You went back to him two days later.”

            “I know.” She sounded just as baffled as he did. “I just couldn’t bear to break his heart.”

            “So you broke mine instead.”

            Charlotte shook her head for a long time, as if taking inventory of everything that might have been different if he’d just come out of his bedroom.

            “I’m the one who lost out,” she reminded him. “Everything worked out fine for you.”

            Ethan didn’t argue. This didn’t seem like the time to tell her about the weeks he’d spent on his couch after she went back to her husband, the way his world seemed to shrink and darken in her absence. He didn’t go on a date for almost a year, and even after he met Dana—after he convinced himself that he loved her—he never lost the sense that there was a little asterisk next to her name, a tiny reminder that she was his second choice, the best he could do under the circumstances.

            Charlotte wasn’t making any noise, so it took him a few seconds to realize she was crying. When she took off her glasses, her face seemed naked and vulnerable, and deeply familiar.

            “I don’t know about you,” she said as she wiped her eyes. “But I could use another drink.”

            <br />It was late when he pulled into his driveway, almost one in the morning, but he wasn’t tired. He wasn’t drunk either, not anymore, though he’d felt pretty buzzed after his third drink, pleasantly unsteady as he made his way down the long dim hallway to the men’s room. There were ice cubes in the urinal, an odd echo of his bourbon on the rocks, and an old-school rolling cloth towel dispenser, the kind that makes a thump when you yank.

            He wasn’t too surprised to find Charlotte waiting in the hallway when he stepped out of the bathroom—it was almost like he’d been expecting her. There was a peculiar expression on her face, a mixture of boldness and embarrassment.

            “I missed you,” she said.

            Kissing her just then felt perfectly normal and completely selfexplanatory, the only possible course of action. There was no hesitation, no self-consciousness, just one mouth finding another. Her ran his fingers through her hair, slid his palm down the length of her back, then lower, tracing the gentle curve of her ass. She liked it, he could tell. He spread his fingers wide, cupping and squeezing the soft flesh.

            It was the voices that made them pull apart, two young women on the way to the ladies’ room.

            “Excuse me,” one of them said, turning sideways to slip by. “Don’t mind us,” chuckled the other.

            It was no big deal, just a brief, good-natured interruption, but for some reason they never recovered from it. When they started kissing again, it felt forced and awkward, like they were trying too hard. Charlotte pulled away after only a few seconds.

            “Oh God, Ethan.” Her glasses were askew, her face pink with shame. “What are we doing?”

            “It’s okay,” he told her. “We’re just having a good time.”

            She didn’t seem to hear him. Her voice was barely audible. “I better go.”

            “Come on,” he said. “You don’t have to do that.” “I do.”

            She turned swiftly, heading for the exit. He followed her out to the parking lot, pleading with her to stay for one more drink, but nothing he said made any difference. She just kept muttering about his pregnant wife and child, and how sorry she was, all the while fumbling in her purse for her car keys.

            “You have to forgive me,” she said in a pleading voice. “I’m just going through a hard time. I’m really not the kind of person who—”

            He grabbed her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at his face.

            “I love you.” The words just popped out of his mouth, but in that moment they felt true, undeniable. “Don’t you understand that?”

            She shook her head. The only thing in her eyes was pity.

            “You need to go home, Ethan. Just forget this ever happened. Please?”

            Then she got in her car and drove off, her face ashen, her eyes fixed straight ahead. He thought about chasing after her, but he knew it would be useless. There was nothing to do but go home, just like she told him.

            Now that he was here, though, he couldn’t seem to get out of the car. Maybe in a minute or two, he’d unbuckle his seatbelt and head inside, into the house where his wife and child were sleeping. In the meantime he was happy enough to stay right here and think about kissing Charlotte outside the men’s room and the dreamy look on Amanda’s face when he showed her the measuring tape and explained that she and Ben were dancing too close, the way she just smiled and closed her eyes and let her head fall back onto her partner’s chest, as if the two of them were the only people who mattered in the world, as if they had no one to answer to but themselves.

Caretakers Blues + Devil’s Bridge

by Michelle Holley

Caretakers Blues

To sing this tale, I should be blind—

like Lemon, or Willie Johnson

singing in the dark, of love and loss just like old Joe Reynolds,

or Reverend Gary Davis, blind at three weeks—

         blind before he could see.

You beg to die before you go blind—

before the disease of old takes over the blue of your Madonna’s robe iris,

ones like we planted in the back garden

that bloom after the crocus has withered and before the final burst of white

peonies.

Some days, I feel strong enough to lift all 98 pounds of you

with one finger pointed to the cloud, the star, the moon

telling gods what to do. Other days, I’m so worn

I take the stethoscope to my own heart and think

surely yours will out-beat mine.

I am dying, not you, I mutter as

I wash your withered body,

little flesh on arms, but swollen feet,

curse of all the doomed and literal

meaning of the word Oedipus,

named by the shepherd who found him,

calling the baby by his affliction

before the action of the play takes place—

like so much of your life I never knew.

I powder what still looks young,

the blossom of a nipple,

the strong jaw line so pronounced

you could be the carved head on the front of a great ship bound for Delphi

to ask the gods our future,

but we already know the Oracle’s message

so I ask instead, should I pray for death now, or later?

Will one more day

make me regret my prayers for life?

As the traveling songster sings, “Death Don’t Have No Mercy,”

his fingerpicking style known throughout Texas

and we fear his wrath before the last heartbeat

until the Grateful Dead sing his words for all to know—

the grateful dead. . . dead, yet grateful,

grateful, yet dead.

Oxymoron to the young,

but what blind poets know everywhere—

that old Greek maxim born in fog—

no man should be considered fortunate until he is dead.


Devil’s Bridge

Sleeping next to me—

you sound like a vaporetto gurgling

through Venetian canals

lungs filling with water.

I touch you

to bring you back.

You mumble you were dreaming of a man who wanted you—

how disappointed you were that he did not have white hair,

and how you broke the unfortunate news that he had come

too late for love making.

I roll over—

eyes open to the darkness

while dawn breaks in Venice—

hours before her last stop

fills with new lovers

riding the white-capped waves of Laguana Veneta to Torchello,

searching for the kiss in the last hour as

I place the obolus in your mouth

to pay Charon, our boatsman,

who divides the living from the dead.