Spaghettification

by Ali Raz

Spaghettification is a scientific word. It refers to the vertical stretching and horizontal compression of objects into long thin shapes (i.e. spaghetti) in a very strong non-homogeneous gravitational field. A black hole would generate such a field, for instance – and not much else. This means that the phenomenon is purely imaginary. It is a hypothetical. Even the name suggests this.

In 2018, researchers at the University of Turku claimed to have witnessed spaghettification. They wrote a paper about it. In this paper, they discussed having ‘seen’, via high-frequency radio waves, the debris of a shattered star. The star had been shattered upon contact with the gravitational field of a black hole. The star had been spaghettified.

In support of this, the researchers offered printed sheets of readings from their radio receivers.

A character is spaghettified in High Life. It happens towards the end. After she is harvested, impregnated, soaked in breast milk, nearly raped, slapped around, and called an insulting name – she offs herself by leaping into a black hole. She doesn’t leap exactly. What she does is, she hijacks a space craft (a small craft which one drives like a go-kart). She cracks the pilot over the head with a spade (the pilot’s brains splay out like intestines) and then makes away with the go-kart spaceship. At first she’s laughing. After all, she is where no one else had been before – an explorer, an adventurer. Then her face begins to change. The mouth is pulled to one side. The cheek to another. She makes grunting noises, like one exposed to great tearing pressure. Then her head explodes.

In the spaceship, they ate soft vegetable soups.

What is space? By rights, there are times when I doubt that it exists.

One gets lonely all alone. One gets lonelier than lymph, a vital fluid no one talks about.

I had been talking to my grandmother. Our conversation was enabled by globe-spanning satellite networks and regimes of power decades (and more) in the making.

Consider a song by Daft Punk. Put on their album RAM.

A violent storm begins, full of lightning and wind.

The visualizations of space in High Life are animated effects. Colored swirls and strobing lights stand in for things that can’t be said. These are cheap effects. They don’t connote (except to designate the unsaid). I much prefer an earlier move. There is a moment, very early in the film, when a character (a man named Monte, whom the others call a monk) drops a spanner from his perch atop the spaceship. He had been performing mechanical repairs, tightening lug nuts and such. Then he knocks, by mistake, a spanner off the side of the ship. He begins to lunge after it – then stops. The spanner falls an infinite fall. Slowly and steady, at one even rate, it falls into the unrelieved black. There is no depth to its fall. No background against which to sense it. It becomes, to the poor stricken character and also to us, as flat as a cardboard cutout, dimensionless as a video game. It is an effect of the mind to derealize what it can’t understand. And it can’t understand an object falling outside of time.

Sensations of scale.

The near-vertigo of scale.

A storm in space would be an invisible, battering, particulate wind.

I would eat an apple in it.

Drop the core down your rotten throat.

The girl I loved would not be here. She would not be anywhere at all.

Not in the gaps of each synapse, virulent and spreading, more motile than bacterial fins.

There are some people – some actors – who are, how should we say this, soaked in such charisma – such personal force – their aura is so reaching and strong – that the hand simply itches to photograph them. Even the camera wants it. The camera itself wants to film them.

Buster Keaton for instance, have you seen him? Getting repeatedly hit on the head with the spinning handle of a well. He doesn’t look like much. He looks like another grain of sand from the desert behind him.

Or Robin Williams. He is a better example. The flickering of that fluid, vital face.

High Life is less frightening than Solaris and less infinite. In its center is a specter of sex; this specter inaugurates, inside the film, another film.

The split of a schizo, hapless structure.

Or the passage, unmarked, of fear between my breath.

My teeth. Your hands.

My teeth, carious. My hands, removed by your sparkling blade.


Ali Raz is co-author, with Vi Khi Nao, of Human Tetris (2020, 11:11 Press), a kooky collection of sex ads. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in the LA Review of Books, The Believer, 3:AM Magazine, Tupelo Quarterly, Firmament, and elsewhere. Her first novella, Alien, comes out in Spring 2022 from 11:11 Press.

Three Poems

by Peter Markus

The Song and the River

The days pile up, one on top
of the other, until we are standing
on top of a mountain looking
out at a sky with no sun or moon.
Not even the stars ask who we are.
Even the sound of our own voice
inside our head belongs to a stranger.
When we try to remember or say
our name we are left with a silence.
When you reach out for the wing
of a passing blackbird it turns away.
Its black eye says to you not yet.
Below there is a crack in the earth
that turns out to be a river. Too deep
to walk across and with a current
too swift to swim, you wait to see
if maybe a boat might take you.
When no boat comes you walk back
home to the bed by the window
with a view of the river. You climb
back into the quiet. Across the river
the tallest point us a smokestack
that no longer belches gray smoke.
Beneath your bed pillow is a stone
you placed in your pocket years ago
during one of your many walks
along the river. Stones are prayers,
are songs only the birds can hear
when they take us up on their backs
to carry us home. Home, my father
likes to say. I want to go home.
You are home, I say. Maybe he sees
the mountain and the blackbird.
Maybe the stranger’s voice is his own,
in the silence, singing him home.



Sheepshead

The sheepshead floating on the surface
of the river was dead, its one eye staring up
at the sun. I rowed my little boat by it
just to make sure and to take a second look.
It was dead, its one eye staring at the sun.
Some things don’t have to be looked at
more than once. When I was a boy I liked
to take a walking stick to all the things dead
on the side of the road. When I say things
what I mean to say is dogs, cats, deer, raccoons,
not to mention the crows and other birds
that like to eat other dead things on the side
of the road. When my father died I stood
off to the side of his bed to watch my mother
kiss his face and run her fingers through his hair.
Two hours later a woman with a stethoscope
listened to hear a heartbeat. There was none.
He was dead. It was official. This we already knew.
We dressed him one last time: a clean blue shirt.
A pair of underpants he hadn’t worn in three years.
Gray sweats. I shaved his face. We washed his body
until it was as clean as a dead body needs to be.
The dead sheepshead that I rowed past on the river
had lost any hint of silver it once had. My father turned
to wood for the fire that would turn his bones to dust.
I carry him with me everywhere I go, everywhere I look.
I see him in the sky and in the river. The sheepshead
floating on its side, some part of it still impossibly alive.


On the Other Side of the River

What happens on the other side of the river
stays on the other side of the river. Just as when
the dead are taken away they do not return
looking as they once did. There are birds
and fish both of which sometimes wash ashore
no longer able to fly or swim. The dead
in their most silent form, with no song other
than what words we might say of them.
I have no more songs other than this.
These hands that reach down into the mud
to hold them one last time, before I put them back
where I found them, and then walk away.
Making a humming sound only I can hear.


Peter Markus is the author of the novel Bob, or Man on Boat, as well as the collections of short fiction We Make Mud and The Fish and the Not Fish, all published by Dzanc Books. Other books include Good, Brother and The Singing Fish, both published by Calamari Press. When Our Fathers Return to Us as Birds, his debut book of poems, will be published in September by Wayne State University Press.

“Charles Garjian, Pa. German Toy Bird, c. 1939, watercolor, graphite, and gouache on paperboard

My Mother Caught on Fire

by Marston Hefner

The fire extinguisher was locked behind a glass case outside our apartment’s door and I hit the case as hard as I could with my thick coat. Still, the glass pierced and was accompanied by a searing pain in my left elbow where the shard protruded. Having no time to think about my now molested fur coat, I screamed and I ran, which was synchronized to my mother’s screaming and running (you know how mothers and daughters are) as my father shouted something from my neighbor’s room, the neighbor being his new lover and confidante.

            I must have sat down because I found myself on my ass, sobbing uncontrollably at the foot of the door, when the door to our apartment shot open and my mother rushed out, saw me crying, and ran over me, kneeing me in the face before hopping down the stairs, hoping to extinguish the flames that engulfed her. By now the apartment was also on fire as I wailed, and by this time, I must be honest, at what I wailed at I was not completely certain, it just seemed like it had been such a bad week. What with my father moving in with our effeminate neighbor and then my adopting of said neighbor’s cat, which turned out to not be a cat at all.

            That was when, as I lay on the ground losing blood, the once thought to be cat but now understood to be dangerous and timid child rushed in, from God knows where to steal whatever was within reach: towels, Tupperware, clean bed sheets, anything your standard vagabond would want from a family who had trusted and attempted to nurse back to health. And there is me utterly crushed, fetal positioned, crying now, not just because of my garish elbow and the loss of my cat but also because of the boy’s stealing my favorite parakeet plushy. The one that my father had bought when I was six. The one that I gave up two other toys for in order to have that one because that one was so expensive. And when I saw the boy run off with that I fell very hard inside. It felt like my stomach was bottomless, because right then I knew that no matter how much one could love, cat or human or whatever it may be, no matter how nice the groomer was or how expensive the treats were, that that being could and ultimately would turn on you.

            I more slid than crawled down the stairs and into the alley, and I laid on our couch which had been left by the boy who could only carry so much.

            It was then that my father came out of our neighbor’s back porch with one arm around the waist of said neighbor. What the hell is going on here? he exclaimed. And I called him over with one curled and bloodied finger and I told him the truth, that that which was the cause of all of this, this misfortune and tragedy that had befallen us was due to him and his neglect. To which my father replied, how could I forget? He said that a tragedy such as this was random, how could he have caused his sole daughter, the love of his life, this misfortune? Then I remember our neighbor getting upset, saying something like, what’s that you just said pussy cat? About love and life? And I remember my father turning to my neighbor, consoling him, letting him know he loved him, kissing him, and me, me a mere husk. My neighbor said something like, choose, choose, choose, as my mind grew foggier and foggier due to the blood running off and into the alley’s rivulet. My father pet my neighbor and said it wasn’t something he needed to worry about. And that’s when I knew, I knew that that boy from before would be back, he would be back for my couch, he would be back for my body, and no one, not even own my father, would stop him.


Marston Hefner is a writer from Los Angeles.

Living with Molly

by Sam Fishman

One time Molly grabbed my face in both her hands and said: One day you’re going to get bored of me because I’m fucking boring, Sam. One day you’re going to send me away from you because you’re a scared little boy who never had to learn better, and I’m gonna live with my parents and get a shitty job and you’re gonna go on with your rich boy life and I’ll never see you again. You’re going to miss me you dumb fuck, and by then it’ll be too late.

           Molly, you thought you were so fat, that’s why you ate popcorn all the time. You’re not fat, the truth was right there on the mirror. But I liked that you were always eating popcorn. It made me feel like I was a movie worth watching.

           I got mirror problems too, Molly—I see my dad’s face and a heart attack coming soon. I know it wont matter how many good things happen to me because it’s already been settled—I’m going to end up in a very still and brutal place: You’ll be fat and I’ll end up dead on the floor of a mental asylum. You’ll need a ladle to wipe your ass and I’ll be discovered by an orderly who will find our son’s number under a puddle of barbecue sauce. He’ll get a phone call early in the morning just like I did.

            So thank God for Molly and thank God for Molly’s butt too. Thank God for Molly’s brother, who is the school janitor reading in the utility closet. Thank God for Molly’s mother who is sitting, right now, behind the bar of a bowling alley outside Cleveland, Ohio. Her name is Lisa if you want to say hello.

           Thank you for being in my life, Molly. Thank you for being the nicest face to turn to while I’m driving. Thank you for being scolding hot and burning holes in my plastic life. For turning all the music into Molly music. My bedroom to Molly bedroom. This square is my life and it belongs to you.

           I’m still here with all your ghosts, Molly. I’m just a sitting memory of you. These days, the only thing that’s my own is the garbage covering my desk: the hot sauce packets and big plastic cups that used to hold ice-cold Cherry Cokes. I’m still in the room we made together but you aren’t here anymore.

         One day I’m going to step on the baskets you wove. I’m going to mangle them beyond recognition. When I’m standing before the biggest garbage can there is I will hold them high above my head. I will feel so wrong but not know what else to do but throw them in. Very soon I’m going to be free and it will make me so lonely.

           I wish I hadn’t been on my computer all the time, Molly. I wish I’d closed my laptop when you were sitting next to me. I wish I hadn’t spent my life nursing all my anxiety and pain. I wish I knew when I needed a hug. I’m almost a fully-grown man now, Molly, and all the shitty little things I did to get by have cauterized and become my personality. I’m just a courteous piece of stone.

           Why didn’t anybody say something? Why doesn’t anybody stop anybody?

           Good stories are attached to your voice like arms, Molly. They are sprawling and dexterous and never stop coming out of you—How the Amish used your grandmother’s garden like a vegetable bank and kept coming and taking shit from her big backyard in the name of God and never gave a dime or a thank you, how they paid her in pastries she hates because they don’t bake with sugar.

           Molly, it seems like every second more good shit is leaking out of your pretty head.

           We were living in the same room for months, drinking the coffee I made and eating the lasagna you did. When you left you packed the freezer full of lasagna. After a while it grew eyes, Molly. I can no longer touch that door—I absolutely refuse to open it.

            Right now, you’re sitting on the bed we made together. You’re lying under the mustard linen sheets we slept on and you’re just like these linen sheets because you’re one more nice thing I’ve never had before. You bought me a duvet cover from IKEA and a pillowcase made of satin to prevent the styes I get so often. You prevented all the bad things from happening to my body that I’ve never tried to stop before.

           You turn the lamp on because it’s nighttime, Molly. The big ugly ceiling light is off and I’m getting ready to join you for bed. I take off my t-shirt and my sweatshorts and my boxers. Then I stand there naked and tell you a joke, Molly, and you don’t even laugh, not even a little bit.

            You only start laughing after I am standing there for a while. You blow bubblegum snot out of your nostril and point at my body. You’re laughing because my breasts are puffy and my belly is big and gentle. You’re laughing because I look maternal. You’re laughing so hard that it makes me want to be a mom.

           All I want to do is dance for you, Molly. So I let my hand down behind my back, so you can’t see my next move. I slowly uncurl my index finger and become the mother who is growing a wormy little boner. I make heinous sounds of arousal because I love you. I am dancing naked just for you. 

            I wish I could be silly with you all the time because I never can but look at me go it’s happening right now—I’m becoming someone I’ve wanted to be my whole life. I am a shameless lover who has opened up to you.

           When I lay down next to you we kiss like people are meant to be kissing. Molly—When I am here with you, I don’t have any secrets. It feels like the first time.


Sam is a writer in Los Angeles. Read more here: https://neutralspaces.co/samfishman/

Three Poems
by Elizabeth Ellen

Untitled love poem/bumfuck Michigan

It’s impossible to write a love poem
Without sounding like a dick
Without sounding like you’ve had a lobotomy
Without sounding like cliché words written on mediocre art at a small midwestern art festival
Somewhere in bumfuck Michigan

The unspecificity of your own stupid romance
The general uninterestingness of happiness

It’s so much easier to write about abandonment
Disillusionment, self-harm, separateness

The specificity of getting fucked three times in one night
By a stranger from Bumble who wants you to be his girl
Who thinks it sounds glamorous or exotic to date a writer
Who can’t possibly know the loneliness of said endeavor
Until the fourth time he asks if he can come over, the fourth time you tell him no

Has anyone ever written a truly great poem about love?
If so, I haven’t read it
Better to wait til after the disappointment seeps in, honey:
My (unsolicited) advice to you.

Disappointment in yourself, I mean
For all the times you insecurely hid your phone (from yourself)
All the times you drove right past him on your way to a reading
All the times and ways you failed to be the right woman (for him/for yourself)

Failure is so much more interesting, honey

The irony of coming so many times in one night for this stranger
When you couldn’t come for him
When you wouldn’t allow yourself that vulnerability
When standing next to him because you loved him too much
Because you admired him
Because you’re a fucking coward and scared and afraid

Is this a love poem, honey?
I wrote it in ten minutes
Without anyone editing it for me

This is my greatest failure (as a woman): my independence
My self-alienation, my inability or unwillingness to
Let go my own hand/throat/heart
In order to hold someone else’s.

My unwillingness to come for a man I love (dependence!)
And instead to come for a man I never will (freedom!)

My unwantingness
My wanting and unwanting and wanting again

My stupidity
And my
Self-protection

My liberation
And my defeat.

I can only kill things in with my poems. (I told you love poems are stupid)

You’re welcome. (this poem is my gift to you)

Snitches.


MGK

for Colson

I felt dead inside all the time
Unless I was looking at Machine Gun Kelly online
And then I felt alive

(Alive in the way that makes you want to get a bunch of tattoos, I mean)

I did everything in life backwards
I figured getting tattoos was just one more example of this

(getting tattoos underground during quarantine, I mean)

I felt dead inside
Reading other ppl’s poems
Abt leaves and the sky and rain and mammals who roam the earth
Idgaf abt nature
Like that
Idgaf abt nature in general
I couldn’t imagine writing a poem
Abt nature

I only felt alive watching MGK videos
While drunk in my basement
Sitting on my basement floor

I only felt alive reading poems that didn’t fuck w
Nature

I went for a walk
I was listening to the new song by
Megan thee Stallion and Beyonce
I saw someone (a feminist) had tweeted something about Beyonce’s rapping skills
I heard on the radio Jay Z and The-Dream had helped Beyonce write her rap lyrics
I wanted to believe Beyonce could write her own lyrics
I misheard one of the lyrics as “now watch me sweep up these earrings”
I liked the line so much I was going to use it as an epigraph
Until I got home and googled it and it wasn’t anything abt
Sweeping up earrings at all

I only feel alive reading/listening to
Ppl from Ohio
I googled MGK and saw he did an annual concert
In the small town in Ohio where I’d grown up surrounded by
Amish ppl and regular ppl who had icicles in their bedrooms in winter

I only felt alive while thinking abt
Driving around the rural Ohio shitholes where I’d grown up
All the hills and streams and cows and manure …
Shit, man, I just wrote a poem abt nature

Fuck, I don’t know how to not feel dead inside
I guess this is why/when ppl start getting tatted up
I guess this is why/when ppl start listening to/fucking w MGK

I guess this is my life now

Drinking in my basement
And thinking of what new tattoo I’ll get next
While fucking w MGK


KELLY BUNDY, for NMS

A few days after our first date you sent me a text
You were the first guy I’d dated in eighteen years

who wasn’t a writer

The text said, “I just read one of your poems on the internet
And I liked it!!!”

You sent me another text after that one that said, “I don’t know why you didn’t want me to read your writing on the internet!!”

(Later, you confessed to being very conscious of using proper punctuation, of spelling all words out, in texts to me, on account of my being a writer)

Earlier I’d sent you a picture of my picture on the back of one of my books
And you’d said, “I’m going to need a lot more pictures like that!!”

I liked you because you weren’t a writer
Or I liked a lot of things about you and one was that you weren’t a writer

(another was you gave good head)

I didn’t like to think too much about writing anymore
I didn’t like feeling like a member of a cult anymore

(I didn’t use proper punctuation or spell words all the way out in my texts to you
or anyone else anymore)

I said I’d write a poem for you
So you could google me and read about yourself

I said I’d wear the fishnets like in the author photo
The next time you came over
I told you I had a leather jacket,
Leather motorcycle boots,
The wholeshebang.

(I didn’t really say shebang.)

You said, “Hot, you’ll look like Kelly Bundy.”

I liked how easy it was to please you;
How easily you fucked me –
How easy it was to come.

I didn’t have to wait and wait and wait.
Weeks or months or years.

I said the poem I’m writing about you is going to be called
Kelly Bundy.

Some people didn’t like to be written about
But you didn’t seem to mind

You seemed to think it was cool or glamorous

— or some shit

Dating a writer

Mostly we watched videos on YouTube of exotic animals –
the insane tatted men who bought and sold them –
Between fucking

Sometimes we stood on my balcony watching the deer
you’d be behind me
you’d wrap your arm around me
Cover my mouth with your hand
“Shhhhhh,” you’d tell me

and I’d laugh and ask, “Did you just shhhhhush me?”
and you’d nod and say, “Shhuuuush.”
And cover my mouth back up again with your hand

I really liked this about you most
How you weren’t afraid to shush me
How you covered my mouth with your hand.

I liked this and I liked how you fucked me;
Even though I kept forgetting to wear the damn fishnets.
Even though I didn’t look anything like Kelly Bundy.
Even though, even though.


Elizabeth Ellen is the author of a new story collection, Her Lesser Work, and a new play, Exit, Carefully (both SF/LD books), among other titles. She has a short story in the current issue of Harper’s Magazine.

Breadcrumbs to Home

by Michele Zimmerman

17. Jenn sits at yellow Formica table and eats a deli sandwich with turkey, ham, salami, and provolone cheese. Her daughter, Chrysanthemum, is on a camping trip. Her wife, Sadie, is out of town visiting her mother. The car is at an auto body shop about ten minutes of a walk away. Jenn is left to herself with nothing to do in this new, increasingly strange, town they have recently made their home. Jenn eats her snack and thinks of buying the two chocolate chip cookies wrapped in cellophane she noticed up at the counter. She watches her neighbors drift in and out of view through the storefront window. 

16.  The shape of the creamsicle-colored moving truck parked in front of her new home, reminds Jenn of vintage ice cream trucks. When the truck is emptied and the house made full, she immediately goes out to a grocery store. She picks two flavors of ice cream, grabs a box of sugar cones, and returns home. At the kitchen table, surrounded by labeled cardboard boxes, Jenn smiles as her daughter wipes a dab of chocolate ice cream from the tip of her nose. 

15. For too many nights in a row, they share cans of store-brand vegetable soup for dinner. Jenn hopes the offer on the house upstate is accepted. Nothing from her recent collection Honeycomb sells at the art gallery; city life becomes unsustainable. 

14. Jenn wakes to hear Sadie screaming in her sleep. Sadie tells her of the nightmares she has: old women drifting above their beds, their daughter gobbled up by gigantic catlike creatures. Jenn boils water, pours some into a white mug with lemon juice, and brings it to Sadie’s nightstand. She tries to remind Sadie that sometimes nightmares are only nightmares, nothing more. 

13. Jenn doodles dancing cutlery with thought bubbles onto small, squared notes. Have a good day! Enjoy! You’re great!  She places the notes gently inside her daughter’s lunch box, keeping in mind all the times her daughter has come home from school saying the other girls in her class were mean. 

12. At her daughter’s third birthday party, Jenn swears she can smell her father’s cologne on her hands. But Jenn’s father is long gone and Jenn doesn’t wear cologne. She avoids looking at her wife, who she knows is watching, and cuts a thick slice of cake with pink frosting. 

11. Jenn nearly misses her own daughter’s birth while she sips tea in the hospital lobby to calm her nerves. 

10. On a 6 train going downtown in the middle of winter, Jenn meets her wife, before she is her wife at all. They are seated next to each other on the overwarm plastic benches. Sadie is a tall, curvaceous woman who smells of cinnamon and patchouli. Jenn notices her immediately.

             Sadie leans into Jenn’s shoulder, whispers that Jenn’s father is there alongside them on the train right this very moment. Jenn leans away, and Sadie offers to take Jenn out to a café. There, Sadie fixes Jenn’s tea with milk, and too much sugar, before she pushes it towards Jenn across the table. Then, Sadie pulls a pen from her purse, and on a napkin writes the name of the secret sauce Jenn’s grandmother used to make with elbow macaroni. This is who I am, Sadie says. This is the truth of what I can do.

9.  Jenn eats three quarters of a grilled cheese sandwich while sitting on the borrowed couch of the shitty rental apartment immediately upon returning home after seeing the body of her father in the hospital. The sandwich is made of toasted nine grain bread and thick cheddar cheese. She doesn’t want it, but it has been made and placed in front of her. In the days following there are: crème filled chocolate cupcakes in loud, clear plastic wrap. Cereal bowls of ice cream for dinner. Cereal bowls of ice cream for breakfast. Microwavable TV dinners. Canned chili poured over tortilla chips. Cheeseburgers. Double cheeseburgers. Cups and cups of hot, sweet tea. She consumes all of these things the way she would like to consume all of her sadness. 

8. When Jenn goes home from art school for holiday meals, she looks down at her plate and tells lies about fake men she’s gone out on dates with.  First she tells her father about the musician who took her to a concert. Then she tells her father about the writer who introduced her to a book club. Finally she tells him, neither of them were for her, but she’ll keep looking. 

7.  The girl with the shaved head drinking a can of orange soda is the first girl Jenn ever kisses. Then there is the girl who is a new vegan and has a pierced septum. Then, the girl with the undercut who is fond of foreign chocolate bars made with bits of fruit. Then, the girl with a tattoo of a bird’s nest between her breasts who is afraid to eat eggs. Later, the girl with the shaved head drinking a can of orange soda again, just for good measure.

6. During Jenn’s freshman year of art school, her father suffers his first heart attack.  At night, while the school celebrates the end of the year with a dance party on the campus lawn, Jenn sits on the floor of her dorm room with a take-out hamburger from the local diner. 

5.  Jennie goes to a party with her roommate where she lets a stranger lop off her hair with blunt scissors and dye it purple for free. All three women drink warm, spiked cider and sit on the floor of the stranger’s dorm room.  Jennie is reborn: Jenn.

4.  Jennie’s father moves into a condo upstate with his girlfriend, who is also named Jennie. Other Jennie enjoys animal print boots and pop ballads on the radio. She decorates the condo with cows.  Cows on throw pillows. Cows on cookie jars. Ceramic cows dangling from overhead light fixtures. Other Jennie does not enjoy eating. Jennie and Other Jennie cannot relate at the dinner table. Or anywhere else. Other Jennie watches Jennie when she eats as if she watches moving parts inside a museum exhibition. Slowly, foods Jennie knows disappear from her father’s pantry and are replaced with cow decor. Their secret treats melt away.  

3.    Jennie’s father moves into a bachelor pad with a water-stain blooming in the right hand-corner of his bedroom. He strings a curtain up in the middle of the living room, and makes a space specifically for Jennie. He puts together a metal shelving unit to hold painting supplies and stuffed toys. He lets Jennie pick out a tie-dye poster for the wall and a purple inflatable couch. Jennie learns that in this new space, there are no rules. 

            There is canned chili poured over tortilla chips for dinner. There are cereal bowls full of ice cream for dinner. There are frozen TV dinners with chicken nuggets shaped like giraffes. There are crème filled cupcakes from the late-night mini-mart. When Jennie returns to the apartment where she lives with her mother, she does not mention these details. These treats are secrets, just between her and her father. 

2. For a time Jennie lives with her grandparents; they have a carpet that looks like the hexagons of a honeycomb.  Her grandmother is a short woman with blue eyes, and a black canvas fanny pack full of prescription pills to keep her alive. Jennie’s grandmother is the type to push food onto her family’s plates. Eat, it’s good. A fork full of brisket from her dish onto theirs. Here, have mine. A smear of chopped liver on a cracker placed in a warm palm. Take, you’re too thin.  Elbow noodles with a secret sauce only the family knows. At night, Jennie’s grandmother makes decaffeinated tea with three spoons of sugar for herself and for her granddaughter. Everything about the honeycomb home, as Jennie refers to it inside her head, is safe. No one is coming, no one is going. 

1. When Jennie is six, her father moves out. She watches from her second-story window as he loads all of his belongings into a creamsicle-colored moving truck. After he says goodbye, she chases him down the dim apartment hallway holding chocolate chip cookies inside her fist. She presents them to her father before he steps into the elevator. A snack, she says. So, you won’t be hungry.  


Michele Zimmerman holds a BA and an MFA in fiction from Sarah Lawrence College. Her work appears in Catapult’s Tiny Nightmares: Very Short Tales of Horror, Lockjaw Magazine, Psychopomp, and others. She is a Sundress Publications Best of the Net 2018 nominee & a two-time Finalist for the Glimmer Train Short Story Award for New Writers. Find her on Instagram @m.l.zimmerman or on Twitter @m_l_zimmerman.