<!–Fredman–>

Other Living Things 

by Alexander Fredman

Gerald knew the gun was somewhere around here. He liked the crunch beneath his feet as he searched for it. Summer had settled uncertainly on this part of the country. Rain hadn’t come and the lowland was crusted, shot through with brown blades of grass. A coyote hung rotting on a fence. The interstate rose in the distance. 

As the sun got high he roved further into the expanse of starving earth. He found bottles, bald tires, rocks he thought could be arrowheads. He spit on his finger and rubbed a triangular rock clean. The faceted black gleamed in the sun.  He slid it into his pocket. 

Every so often a truck slowed on the road, but he waved them on. He knew enough to be patient. It was stupid to loop back for what he had tossed. He’d hoped the rains would have begun already. That the gun would have sunk in the mud. When the rains didn’t come he got spooked and lost four days. 

The town he reached was empty. A street marked with graffiti. Squat homes welcomed him through empty windows. He found little of use in them. No food, no cash. Beneath his feet the asphalt was cracking, green veins crawled around the gray.

He had read about this place. Toxic metals in mine tails. People left and all of them for good. Trains still slowed as they passed, but they no longer stopped here. The station took the shape of a house, its roof missing shingles. 

He liked when he arrived at a place that looked like a place he remembered and the person behind the counter smiled. He didn’t even care to think if they knew him. That stack of blueberry pancakes, that knob of yellow butter, that round-lipped mug of coffee, cinched in on its middle. The waitress’s hair was prairie grass. He couldn’t account for the last two hours. How’d he even find this diner? He scanned his seat to be sure his things were all there. The suitcase, the backpack, the jacket he wore for the sun. He spent a summer once working for the park service, cutting trails through desolate land. Dark forms would move on the edge of his vision. He hoped to reach the sea. 

Sitting in the diner booth he cataloged animals in a little notebook. He added red-winged blackbird, pronghorn, ferruginous hawk, gray fox.  He finished eating, walked out and onto the street, his suitcase stumbling behind, plastic wheels splitting and worn.

Later he watched a man walking three tall and sloping hounds, dogs like sentries. The man lacked a face. His dogs walked with long, careful steps, unleashed. 


It was hot when he woke. He wandered out of the hospital, onto the shoulder of a replaced road. It wasn’t far to the tracks. 

After an hour of waiting, he got on a new train. He was done with meandering routes.  He was headed west. The freight trains took old routes through old towns. Coal shifted beneath his body. He passed lone figures standing in the bone-white of midday’s textureless light, in the center of empty streets, watching the sky.   

 The sun was low and smoldering straight ahead, the first peaks higher than he’d thought. Orange slipped pink. The purple sky chilled as the train climbed. He slept. He dreamt of the blue he’d see at the end. 

He woke at dawn at a new altitude, snow surviving in the dark spots of this landscape, snow on the north sides of boulders and trees. They were trees like he’d never seen. Forests that hadn’t had to regrow. Next stop he’d hop out and look for food. 

At the diner he ordered eggs, toast, coffee. Finished it all, unballed the paper. So they were still running stories. They’d drained the reservoir and no body was found. Just the car left there above, still running, the driver’s open door, footsteps in the mud. The note in an envelope held in place by a stone on top of the dam. The car was green, a hatchback, a little old. A CD was still playing. 

The next train hardly slowed. He crouched behind a stand of spruce, burst forth. He caught a grip with his left hand but couldn’t get his feet on something flat. He felt the strain of the bend as the tracks turned towards a rise. He knew enough to push off as he fell. Fucked his knee on the stumble down. He couldn’t stop before the ledge. He fell a dozen feet to a depression with a few inches of water streaming at its base. The tracks were up and behind him. Looking forward, the trees were frosted blue. Cold light, the sun already beneath the opposite range. Nothing human could be seen from where he lay. He ran a finger along the gash on his leg and around his head. He didn’t dare stand. His gray shirt absorbed the wet. He tried to focus on the water drawn up and all over his shirt. A dark mass claiming territory. Swirls of crimson in the brown water surrounded him. He pulled the arrowhead from his pocket but all he saw was a shard of black plastic. 

A fighter jet split white between an impossible blue. Then another, and another. Gerald knew the academy was near here. He could name the planes he saw. F-16, F-35. An A-10, slow, bulbous, loping the air above him. He could still picture himself in the cockpit, watching the small world below. Cities disappeared in an instant. There was nothing but sky where he was headed.  

It got hard to lift his head. He could feel the earth move as another train passed. A small rock tumbled down.  Water splashed. He saw the ripples get smaller. Tried to find the last one, the flatness that replaced it. His reflection stretched and disfigured. The water got black. For a while he roamed that blackness. New little fishes circling. Pine needles. Dropped leaves, spilt oil curling.  Finally he found a figure on its own, glimpsed from three hundred feet above, a face winking in the black, daring him to leap to meet it. 

Calendar

by Maeve Barry

The calendar will be a gift for our grandparents. All of their children will get one. The photographer will take the photos in the parking lot of an Irish restaurant. It’s where we eat after funerals. 

In the lot it’s raw with no sun out. We wear big coats but will take them off for the photos so it looks like it’s spring. Our parents are in a rush to take photos cause they’re worried about one of the grandparents dying. I’m not worried about either one of them dying. Last patches of gravelly snow jut from the ground. A pokey reminder. My teeth clack. We watch for my grandparents’ car. I’m fourteen. I am a computer. The hot pink thong that I wear is the one that I stole from American Eagle. 

My grandma hugs me and it smells like vagina and mildew. My grandpa hugs me and I flinch. He hits the side of my head like he’s showing everyone how high his hand is. 

I have an aunt who’s a doctor and a bitch. Her two daughters go to Wellesley and they go right up to my grandpa and kiss him. They complain really loud about how some guy spread out on the train on their way here. They love my grandpa. My older girl cousins go to Wellesley College and they don’t know anything. 

My mom knows, more than any of us, but she’s so busy acting like she doesn’t that she won’t look at me. She’s tried honesty. Now she wants siblings and a mom who will look her in the face. Now I’m the only person she can talk to about it. 

***

To Christmases and Thanksgivings I wear my tight red little dress so they can all see my tits. I show up with my hair high in a ponytail and my neck soaked in hickies. I know how to time it. This Christmas the hickies were from a boy who wore only one t-shirt. It said ‘Consent is Sexy.’  That boy kept moving his mouth down to my tits and I kept pushing it back up my neck. The next day in Worcester we sat at my grandparents’ table before midnight mass. They all sat there in the purple glow off my neck skin. Last week my mom said, None of that for the calendar. 

It’s February and my neck’s back to normal. I wear my tiny spandex skirt and black tights and the thong that I stole and a floaty t-shirt.

            I’m going to the bathroom, I say, and no one answers. No one is looking. They’re all leaning over the new red, screaming baby. Trying to corral the uncle who’s been drinking since he woke up. Trying to calm down the autistic cousin who is nineteen, red and screaming. My mom doesn’t look at me cause she’s busy looking all over, hoping someone will look at her. I walk to the door and feel my ass move through my skirt. Only my grandpa’s looking. 

The restaurant is called O’Connors. That’s not our last name but it might as well be. There’s a long sticky bar. The bartender was told not to serve my uncle until after the photos. Maybe my uncle knows about my grandpa. He’s never said. The bar is all cops. The bartender is young and his hair’s kind of red, not red like a siren, like my red-head cousins. Not like my grandpa’s was before he lost it. Now his head’s patchy snow. The bartender opens his mouth and he’s really Irish. 

            What can I get you.

            He looks right at me.

            A white Russian, I say. 

            It’s what my grandma drinks. I say it to seem older.

            The bartender smirks. His fingernails are so dirty. The celtic cross poked into his bicep is the same as the one on my uncle’s ankle. The same as the one on everyone’s graves.

There’s milk on my mouth. I stand. I wait for a second outside the bathroom door before I close it. When he opens it I see his face in sharp light. I see its grooves, bags, its raw eyeballs. Maybe a little older than my Wellesley cousins. I can’t imagine anyone would want to touch them. Our grandpa didn’t. The bartender’s grimey nail snags my tights. They don’t tear. We don’t kiss. He lifts my leg. The toilet paper dispenser digs my ass in a nice way. The nicest part of it, maybe. I stick my milk tongue down his ear and that isn’t clean either. My tights tie my ankles. I pull my pink thong to the side. I wrap all my arms and legs around him like I’m his baby. My ass hits the toilet paper. It pulls away. It hits again. I look at the brown stain on the white ceiling. It’s shaped like Japan, not Ireland. His breath sputters. I hate it the way that I hate my mom’s breathing and my brother’s chewing and my grandma two-foot-stepping every stair with her gout puffy ankles, pressing down on my arm, like she needs me to help her. My face scrunches. I never push or trip her.

            I don’t love my grandparents, I say in my head while he fucks me.

            What’d you say, the bartender pants.

            I said I want you to fuck me.

            I’ve never said that. I hear my own voice like through a screen in a movie.

            He presses his hands on my shoulders. I rip at his hair and pretend that it’s already white. He springs back with release. He keeps saying Jesus.

There you are, my bitch aunt says when I walk back to the photo stools and the guy waiting there with his camera. 

            Aren’t you freezing, my mom asks. What happened to your tights?

            Nothing happened to my tights. I balled them and pushed them deep in the trash can. My brother kicks a deflated football. It goes nowhere. The photographer wears a fedora. My legs turn red when air hits them. 

They sit me in the front row on the stools. There was a break between me and the cousins who are older. The Barnard cousins get placed in the back. They’re mad you won’t see the pants part of their pantsuits. 

Once, on a plane, my mom sat next to a psychic. The psychic told my mom that she fell toward the middle of her siblings, and that she was one of eight. My mom is the fourth of six. To the three oldest siblings he didn’t do anything. My young uncle is drunk and my young aunt is dead. And I am sitting in the middle of the front row of grandkids. The sitting girls close their legs. The photographer tells my brother, Put down the football. 

When the camera clacks I snap my knees open. Every time, fast so no one will stop me or notice. Purple circles glow the inside of my thighs. From his slinky hips. The hot pink triangle of the thong that I stole. I flash the camera. Hot pink yells itself forward. It’s in every photo. It will hang in their kitchens, where they’ll all have to notice.

What inspired you to write “Soundings” and “Fable”? Was there anything unique or striking about the writing or research process?

“Soundings” began in a pandemic exercise suggested by the poet Rae Gouirand: each day before writing, spend five minutes or so “visiting with silence.” It’s meant to help you push past the everyday noise and connect to something deeper. I was having trouble with the connecting part, so I often ended up writing about the literal noise. It gave me a way to ease into writing even when I didn’t feel like it.

My Amsterdam apartment faces a green with a canal running along one side and a busy street along the other, and the zoo is only a short block away, so it was a rich soundscape. I began to notice how much my mood infused the descriptions of sounds. Intrigued, I took the most evocative ones, whittled them down, and played with the order to reflect the course of the pandemic and the changing seasons.

“Fable” was also to some extent a product of the pandemic—at least that was when I became invested in the reproductive success of a pair of magpies that returned each year to the mulberry tree outside my window. The mulberry leafs late in the spring so I had a clear view of their nest as did the crows. Crows will eat other birds’ eggs, even their nestlings, and the magpie parents were at constant war.

One day, when the magpies were trying to fight off an especially burly crow, I leaned out the window and clapped to shoo him away. Instead, I scared the magpies who took flight across the canal, leaving their eggs to the crow. Originally, the poem ended with the image of the magpies flying away. “How pretty,” early readers said. “But it’s supposed to be horrifying!” I said. So I added the final couplets.

It went through a lot of titles—“Plunder” and “Unintended Consequences” stuck around the longest, but both felt overdetermined. In the end, I settled on “Fable” because the poem reminded me of Aesop’s fables—the crow, hubris, consequences.

Have you read anything recently that you’d like to recommend to readers?

I’m currently reading Mia You’s Festival  at the recommendation of friend and colleague Laura Wetherington. I love a poem that makes you laugh in the moment and has you still thinking days later. Mia’s a master at approaching weighty themes with a twisty sense of humor. 

Where we can learn more about you and your work? My author website is sarahcarriger.com – hopefully I’ll get around to populating it. Currently, it redirects to my bio at InternationalWritersCollective.com, the creative writing school where I serve as the director and teach.

What inspired you to write “Dusk in March, 755, China, Civil War” and “Afternoon in theMeadow?”

Both of these poems were written at about the same time. My wife and I were in North Carolina visiting our first granddaughter.  We were eager to be with her and anxious about the world she would inherit. I nearly always travel with the poets of the Tang dynasty. Why?  Nothing  about their life and times was easy. War, famine, vindictive emperors, sickness and personal loss were commonplace and still these Chinese poets find daily consolation through friends, nature, memory, the next destination. They subscribe to a simple yet profound aesthetic that you also find in Whitman, Dickinson, Mary Oliver, Merwin, and dozens of other poets:  pay attention, be astonished, tell about it.  The poems that interest me the most are the ones where the world intrudes on some private moment and you find in these poems a blending of external force and internal power.  In that way, both of these poems, Dusk in March and Afternoon in the Meadow, attempt to engage the world as it is without turning away.

Was there anything unique or striking about the writing or research process?

I am always in the hunt for what I think of as observational oddities, like a tongue seeking the jagged tooth, what Camus called writing that’s “heavy with things and flesh.”

This hunt always includes looking at the derivation of words.  I never tire of learning that words often begin in one place and like stones gathering moss, end up in another world of meaning.This process alone provides for discovery and astonishment.

Have you read anything recently that you’d like to recommend to readers?

I read as much fiction as poetry.  Lately, I have discovered Irish women that I should have known about:  Jeannette Haien, Claire Keegan, Edna O’Brien.  I am always reading Linda Gregg who remains the most submerging of all contemporary poets.

Where we can learn more about you and your work?

I have been around a while.  I’m not that hard to find.  I have published two novels and seven books of poems.  More of me and what I’ve been up to can be found at jpwhitebooks.com

Two Poems

Elisa Gabbert


Life Poem 2

Beginnings of years, each random thing
is an augur. I sleep unwell, is that
life now? Make tiny adjustments
to furniture. Poem is a four-room house.

We walk several miles, see many animals
at the zoo. “What the living do”:
they pace around, eat, content enough
to be bored. A moon bear. A Bactrian camel.

This elephant stands there so casually,
one back leg crossed. She’s 39.
She’s younger than me—she
so enchanted/entrenched with time.

I want time that deep. A trench,
an intractable arrow. I want not
to know what I want, I want to
want nothing past tomorrow.

Caravaggesque

There’s a scene in The Hustler
you once heard described in another movie.
There’s a hole in the future, hope
rises up, hope you don’t want.

Years pass. You see The Hustler. The scene
floats out from the screen
like a soul leaves a body, a memory
of someone else’s dream.

Sunday now, train in the mist,
you look at the cars on the other bridge.
Is life always like this—doubled,
removed, and thus understood?

As in a famous painting of
the Magdalen, her candle positioned
to watch itself flame in a mirror,
which also is framed, it also is paint.


Elisa Gabbert is the author of seven collections of poetry, essays, and criticism, most recently Any Person Is the Only Self, Normal Distance, and The Unreality of Memory & Other Essays. She writes the On Poetry column for tThe New York Times, and her work has appeared in Harper’s, The Atlantic, The Paris Review, The New York Review of Books, The Believer, and elsewhere. She lives in Providence.