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Nathan Dragon

When she gets home he’ll have already done it. 

            It’ll all be set up. 

            A feast for the week, a fucking tableau. 

            He’ll have something going on the stove too, for tonight.

            He was quite proud of what he’d accomplished so far today. And the day’s not over.

            He talks to himself while pushing the cart about what it’s like to be a proud hunter, or better, more like a predator—what a predator would do with its prey and lay it out like an offering to a mate. To be the type of provider he is. Just look-it.

            He brings it home from the store, arranges it out all on the counter and kitchen table. All nice and very careful.  

            Look-it this, he thinks, a well-stocked pile of spoils. He sets up the display of what he managed to get. What he managed to bring back to the den.

            A hunt’s bounty. 

            All the gatherings, and trappings, caught in the chrome basket of the cart.

            He’d even go as far as to think of himself and refers to himself as an Apex Pred. The way he moved around in the store. The way he procured a profusion of sustenance.

            To think the most natural way. Impulse and instinct, the most biologically-evolved for efficiency. But he doesn’t know what that could mean to him—beyond some primordial tickling in his ears and hope for salvation from starvation for just one more day, and maybe even getting a nice tugging reward. 

            He’ll get another list tomorrow morning when she leaves for work and the amount to cover it. 

            Another chance. 

            It’s what he can do for her, however well, and however simple it looks. He doesn’t think of it as less. He thinks: It’s dangerous out there. 

He hopes he can make the display tonight look appetizing, or at least okay, even seductive. He didn’t want to push it too much. Subtly is sexy. That’s why he went to the grocery store by himself in the mornings. He could spend the rest of the day laying it out, adjusting everything to make it look right because as he rearranges it all he’d eat from the pile, a snack here and there—just a couple of bites—pieces of fruit and lunch—some bread and some cheese. He has to try to make sure it doesn’t look like he’s eaten anything from it. Like he was patient and waited for her to get home from work and didn’t cheat and he had control. Like as long as he wraps everything back up as it was, lock-baggy lock tracks lined up right with the deli sticker, bread bag twisted back up and tied up the way a machine would do it. 

            As long as the work he put into it is acknowledged. 


Nathan Dragon has been published in Noon Annual, Fence and New York Tyrant. Dragon is from Salem, MA., and is working on a book of fictions.

Poker

by Trevor Creighton

Three aces.

            He should hold them but Carl hesitated. I always get three aces, he thought. This machine can’t be real. It must be rigged somehow.

            But he kept on playing.

            Queen, king.

            He’d thrown away a jack and a ten to follow the aces.

            Of course, he thought, as he lost the hand.

            Carl put more quarters in the poker machine and listened as they made their way into its machinery. They were gone now. Irretrievable. The radio announced a cool evening, two suicides, a boy hospitalized by bee stings, and half price printer ink. Carl’s ink had turned to dust long ago and his printer sat unplugged under magazines kept for their unread sweet dessert recipes. 

§

When Paula and Jen had first moved to Hendercove, they had opened a pool hall with cash. They never said where they made their money and they never mentioned no family but they arrived and redid an old building on Main Street and opened their hall. Over the years, the pool gave way to video games and now the main room was a sort of tabletop gaming community bar. The girls had died over ten years ago but they’d left everything to Henrietta, a part-time employee at the time, who had stood up and kept the place running when Jen got sick, four months after Paula had left them. Whatever the rumors, and they were plenty, Henrietta now owned the joint, and if there had been any questions still lingering about the money it was washed in Jen’s death.

§

Carl was in the back room where the last arcade machines lingered. He played the poker machine. For hours. It passed the time. Passed his life. Passed, allowing him to pass also. No one noticed him. No one came in. Not regularly anyways. Not for long. No one played fifteen-year-old arcade machines anymore but the lights still flashed and Henrietta hadn’t decided what to do with that room yet. The tabletop gamers were pleasant enough, sipping their craft beers and rolling their dice, shuffling all kinds of creatures over imagined worlds to their deaths and glory. Now and then a few would wander back to the room Carl was in, bartering quarters for poker hands and sometimes needing to cash in before going home. They never stayed long but seemed to really enjoy what they called old school for the few minutes they spent back there. It reminded Carl of when folks would play for hours at a time. They’d practiced of course. Spent their lives in the arcade. But boy could they play. 

            His poker machine was one of the almost extinct versions that allowed a player to win money. He went up and down and played for long times out of the tray where the payouts fell but mostly he paid the entertainment fees and went home, happy some time had passed. Happy he too was passing. Life is a membership and all memberships expire but if Carl had been on a subscription plan it’s unlikely he would have renewed.

§

The building, The Fun House, had been part of a nunnery a long time ago that had been closed for medical malpractice. In the eighteen-hundreds they had experimented with limb transplants but their subjects had been alive and left in their care by families unable to support children with severe mental challenges. Limbs had been taken and explored and this had been developed into attempting to figure out how to reattach them and have them heal with the goal of eventually switching the children’s heads. The writings and log books explained the thought behind Sister Julienne’s vision. If the mind could filter its thoughts and blood supply through a different body, perhaps the mind would operate differently, and in the case of the insane, perhaps become sane. There had been nothing but carnage in the end. No medical breakthroughs and no protection from the church when their experiments were uncovered. We were doing God’s work they had said before becoming the charges of facilities similar to what they had been trusted with providing. More secure, more regulated, and more isolated facilities.

§

The machine Carl frequented was painted green over yellow. You could see the yellow leaking through where the metal was scratched showing the age of the game. The moves it had made. The history it contained. Carl had found one online once. He’d considered picking it up. Having it at home but somehow he needed to be out. He couldn’t exist all day, all at home, all alone. This place was solitary but he saw people. Walked past the stores. Got some air. And there was Hen.

§

He’d stopped by the dog shelter on the way there three days ago and had a look around. Back in the far corner, a mutt shivered in the corner of a cage. 

            “What’s that one?” he asked.

            “Dunno,” the attendant replied. “You want him… or her?”

            Carl lowered himself outside the fencing and beckoned the dog but it wouldn’t come. It pushed backwards against the opposite corner, risking pain and Carl didn’t want to terrify it.

            “Is it alright?”

            The attendant didn’t know. Carl wasn’t impressed. The attendant set down the paper he had been reading. 

            “Bob will be back later,” the attendant explained. “He knows the dogs. I just muck ’em out. Feed ‘em. Pet ‘em sometimes but this one don’t go near anyone. It’s been hurt maybe. Beat perhaps. They say a dog remembers that kind of thing.” 

            The other dogs yelped and yipped and climbed and jumped, trying anything to get Carl’s attention. Looking for the attendant’s hand. Anything at all to be touched. To be seen. To be loved. But Carl only had eyes for this shaggy, shivering thing that backed itself into a corner. 

            “When does Bob get here?” he asked.

            “Later. All’s I know. After lunch, likely. He usually brings some leftovers. You hear about that boy getting hospitalized? They say he was stung more than a hundred times. A hundred. How does one survive that?” 

            Carl didn’t know.  He sat by the cage ten minutes after the attendant had busied himself with other tasks and once, during his time there, the dog ventured a single paw toward him. Just a step but Carl’s facial movement must’ve scared it back. In time perhaps, it would come and sniff. Come and say hi. Come and discover all was safe but not today and he couldn’t drag it out of there. He’d talk to Bob. Bob would know what to do.

§

Henrietta had nightmares since Jen’s death. She’d wake in the night, around three, and go for a glass of water, sweating from the fear. As she filled the glass a spider raced up her arm and she felt every footstep it made. All eight of them, furiously moving toward her armpit. She dropped the glass and heard it smash as she brushed at her arm with her right hand. She was dancing backward, away from the faucet when she stabbed her soles on the freshly broken glass. She jumped involuntarily and slipped on the water, falling as the spider burrowed into her armpit. The blood spread quickly through the water and her legs found more of the glass. When she next woke, the spider was gone and she had a strange tickle in her throat. She didn’t remember all of her nightmares. Just that she’d had them and she seldom felt rested in the mornings as a result.

§

Two tens, two sixes and a seven. Carl considered the flush but held the tens. An eight, a five, and a four. All diamonds. Damn it, he thought and drew again. He’d been wondering about the rising sea levels. He’d been wondering why with all the technology in the world we couldn’t have some sort of device that could make water evaporate. It, or they… he imagined an army of them, all smart enough to not get too close to each other so fish and the like could still surface. They would need engines to reposition and GPS to know where they were but they would all take in a little water through holes and as it passed through it would turn turbines, charging the machine. It would close the doors once charged and heat the water till it became vapor, pressured enough to rise to the skies, forming clouds above. Carl figured this might, with enough of them, keep the sea levels under control and also create cloud cover to stop a lot of the sun’s rays making it through to the lower levels. He wasn’t a scientist of course, nor an environmentalist, not even an engineer, but this was what he was wondering about as his stack of quarters grew smaller.

            I’m due a win, he told himself. I’m due a win, but he knew the machines always made money in the end and he was the only one that played it in any real sense. He trusted Henrietta not to be fixing things too much in favor of the house but he knew it was designed to only pay out a percentage of what it took in. Still, I’m due a win, he told himself and held two twos in hopes of four of a kind.

§

Carl lost forty dollars that day and considered it an alright day. He was sober. He hadn’t done any harm. No harm had come to him. He had food at home but how he dreaded that empty, quiet hole. He couldn’t understand why the dog hadn’t come to him. He was drawn to it for the dog was him only without the education. With different limbs. More fur. Just shivering in his corner and hoping no one would notice. Hoping no one would hurt him yet every now and then stretching out his paw. Thinking, maybe, he had found something different. Something more. It never lasted of course but why wouldn’t the dog come to him? They could take care of each other. He wouldn’t ever hurt it or let hurt come to it. The game room had plenty of room for them both and they could be happy moving between his one room at home and his other one room, taking care of each other. He might even venture into a park now and then. He paused by the gate to the shelter and tried to be there for the dog. His dog. If only it’d come to him. Bob would know what to do. A half hour he stood there, displaying his dedication the only way he knew how. His commitment. He felt crazy, then dumb, then determined, then proud. He was hungry. Then he left.

            His one room was a fifteen-minute walk from the gaming rooms. The streets were lit but not bright and there was enough foot traffic to feel safe. It had been a snobbish, under the cap kind of neighborhood many years ago before becoming more affordable as people sprawled on but now it had passed through disrepair and danger to become hip again, reviving, hopeful, with young folk and more money than it’d seen in a long while. 

§

One of Carl’s friends, John, lived a block off his route between the two rooms. The route had a single turn to make and sometimes he missed it, which was ridiculous of course but he hadn’t missed it in months. He got so wound up in his thoughts sometimes, walking past these homes in the evening, the golden warmth of their hidden insides leaking through the curtains, staining the twilight, and threatening to scar the dusk. He took a side street to the next block, three roads down from John’s and made his way to his house. He wanted to ask about the dog. How to coach it. He wanted to share a meal. He wanted to say hi but when his fingers could sense the cool of the buttons he paused long enough to feel awkward and then casually leaned by the entrance instead. He pulled out his phone and flipped it open. Phone. J. John. Call. He paused again. What would he say? How would he begin? So many times he had hovered over the call function. The one button he regularly stared at that didn’t cost him much money. I’ll text tonight, he thought. He’s probably busy. Besides, Bob’ll know what to do about the dog. I should get home.

§

Henrietta thought about Carl sometimes. Times like tonight when the gamers were busy. They were so involved in their worlds and rules and routines. Beers and drawings and paint and strategies. She had always liked table top games but had never been able to afford the different components. Then, when she could, she’d never really had the time. When she’d been part-time for the sisters, she’d had a full-time overnight gig, just to make rent. She could paint the basic troops and enjoyed making scenery and the like but who had the time with a business to run? Suppliers and repairs and customers and Carl. She’d often thought about how many Carls might have been devastated when the pool hall was converted to a gaming place. She’d kept a few tables of course but they weren’t in a hall anymore. More a room. A bright room, with a bar, and overpriced snacks she’d never known growing up, all neatly displayed on racks made from repurposed barn doors, old farmstead fencing, and abandoned beehive boards. The greasy spoon next door sold individual pizzas now, for three times the cost of a family sized pie, baked potatoes stuffed with avocado butter on sticks, and celery frames filled with fruit. She remembered the streets Carl had known with her. Before the business did better. Before the poker machine had been moved to the storage room. Before he’d asked about it. Before she’d opened the room. Let him in. Turned it back on and let him treat the space as his own. It was only a bunch of relics now. Two of them still with life. 

            Henrietta had seen a horse the day before she dreamed of one. It was out in a meadow, steam coming from its nostrils as its muscular body tensed against the morning chill. The sun was coming up and its glow became centered around a single flickering flame. A candle that dripped wax onto rat dung covered stonework. Forgotten, it had burned in the same window for three days now as the corpse that had lit it decayed below the window it sat in, covered with coal sacks from the abandoned warehouse adjacent. The horse was just outside now, in the street, laying on its side. Blood kept the children warm as they sliced palm-sized chunks of flesh to gnaw on, wrapped snugly in the hairy skin they had just removed and taken as clothing. The neck had a hundred stab wounds from them bringing it down and the steam rose from the blood keeping everything cozy.

            She was thinking of this horse when Carl had asked her for change. She was trying to remember what color it had been in the meadow. What color it had been before the city. Before the dream. She supposed it didn’t matter much but she so desperately wanted to see it as it had been. As it was. Before. Before becoming what she knew and saw now. 

            “Just twenty, Carl?”

            “Yeah, Hen. Feeling lucky today. I’ll have winnings to play with.”

            “Want a Diet Coke? They’re expired. The rep said to toss them or take them home.”

            “Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks, Hen.”

            “Plenty more. Just ask.”

            “Hen?” Carl accepted the bottle and stared at it for a moment.

            “What’s up, Carl?”

            “I was just wondering…” He turned the bottle over in his hands before looking at her eye to eye. He paused, then “Would you ever consider…it’s silly really.”

            “Go on.” She didn’t care about anything else in that moment and he could tell. She wanted him to ask her. She cared about him and knew he was weighing his words carefully.

            “Could I, I mean would you…it’s just…there’s a dog. I’d like to maybe bring a dog here with me. In the future. Not right away. But soon.”

            “A dog.” Henrietta broke the eye contact and shuffled some flyers on the countertop. “Of course, Carl. So long as it’s trained. Got enough to clean up.”

            “I’ll be sure. Thanks, Hen. You’re the best.”

            She smiled at him and he nodded slightly before heading to the back room. She really did like him. He was somewhat from before. She couldn’t quite sense it right but every now and then she’d feel a connection. Like everything was fine so long as Carl was there. Bearable maybe. Fine. Another smile came. She’d wanted to bring him a Christmas plate the previous year. And she had. Made plates for all the customers but sent all the leftovers home with Carl. I’ve no room, she said. I do this for everyone, she said. I had a little extra time, she said. She’d wanted to invite him to a meal. She hadn’t wanted to push the issue. Hadn’t wanted to make it awkward. Draw attention to him sitting alone. Her rooms closed. Her alone too. She just wanted the holiday to end so they could get back to their routines again. And he seemed happy enough. Maybe he had plans. They never really talked about holiday plans. She could invite him for a meal some other time. It seemed silly for them both to eat alone.

            Carl had never been a part of the evening crowd back when Paula and Jen had run the pool hall. He would stop by for a snack every now and then but he was always headed off to work. Sometimes he worked noon to midnight, sometimes eight to four in the morning, and every now and then, midnight till eight. Always at night though and so morning had become his evening. He prefered the eight till four as it gave him plenty of time to take care of some stuff and enjoy the morning as it arrived. He liked to watch as its sweet amber shards tore through what remained of the night’s decaying flesh. He could roam the stores or take care of business without long lines and stopped often, by the pool hall for a drink and a few shots or played some video games for a while. He’d started playing poker the last two years of his working, the sixth year Henrietta had been there. The machine was by the counter so they got to know each other over time. Slowly, with a counter between them, safely, till they were familiar and looked for each other when they were there.

§

Bob was busy mucking out a cage. Rooms they called them but it was just some fencing and straw with a small wooden shelter in a corner. Bob knew the mutt Carl was asking after.

            “Doesn’t go to no one. I won’t be able to keep it much longer. Taking a place of one that might have a home. I can’t help those that won’t be helped.”

            “I’ll take it.” Carl didn’t ask what would happen if Bob couldn’t keep it. He didn’t ask how much money might be involved. He didn’t ask how many separate cans of food that one shivering lump might be found in the following month.

            “Why not take one that wants the company, Carl? Every dog in here would love to get taken home but that one. Every one of them. They’d do you well. Pleased to see you. Happy and playful. Some dogs just aren’t right. They don’t work. It’s no one’s fault, Carl.”

            “I’ll take it Bob, but can it stay a while? I don’t want to force it. I’ll stop by and get it familiar. I think it’ll warm up. I can bring things. Maybe feed it.”

            “You’ll have to pay lodging. We can’t keep a non lodged dog if it’s not up for taking.”

            “I understand. How much is lodging?”

            “Just twenty a night. It’s hows we feed them, mostly. Just about keep the lights on but that’s the game, I suppose.” He didn’t mention the other income. The cents per pound for those that wouldn’t get taken. That was how the bedding got bought. So much wrong to build such good. The angels that help often dirty their gowns and singe their wings, one of his buyers had said. Those that do great good could pass through hell looking native, she had went on, but Bob didn’t hold with that. He figured by then the works were good but they were side products of devilry. Devils can do as much good as angels can do harm. Good people were always bringing evil to the world so he figured if he was bad for what he did, it didn’t mean he wasn’t a force for good.  

            Bob swiped at a bee. “Damn things have been everywhere recently. I’ve never known there to be so many bees.”

            “Just leave them be,” Carl said. “If you don’t annoy them, they won’t annoy you. When does he eat? Is it a he?”

            “She. Already fixed and all her shots. Why not take another? One that wants?”

            “I think they all want. Just some don’t show it as much.”

            “You might be right. I started here as a volunteer, you know. Just walking and playing with them. Especially with ones like her. I’d lay in their rooms with them till they got to being playful but we had time back then. No one volunteers no more and it’s all I can do to keep them fed and to their appointments and clean enough for visitors.”

            “You do great Bob. Maybe after, I can still stop by. Sit awhile with the shyer ones.”

            “That’d be good Carl and if you took her in the end and needed to be off someplace we could keep her for free, if you’re helping out and all.”

            “All right. Here’s a hundred.” Carl held out some notes.

            “Just pay when you take her. Or weekly. Starting Monday let’s say.”

            Carl nodded and noticed a bee crawling by the dog. “You see, Bob. See the bee. Just leave them be and you’ll be fine.”

            Trixie, what Carl thought the dog might be called, just shivered in her shelter. Carl knelt in her room and put food by her door. She would sniff at him if he didn’t move for a while but she wasn’t going to be won over in a single feeding. 

            “Trauma,” Bob said as Carl left the room.

            “Deserving,” Carl replied. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

            Henrietta dreamt of Carl taking Trixie home. He stopped by the register and got some change. He had a dog in his arms with a bright red leash. The dog licked him and struggled to greet her when she spoke to her. Then Carl was in the poker room. She could see the cards on the screen but knew she was still outside by the register. She was inside Carl and he was winning. She remembered three threes and then Trixie ran out of the room and there was a loud explosion. The lights went out and buzzing filled the air. Bees swarmed in, coming and coming and Carl backed against the wall. They were crushing against him. Thousands. Millions perhaps. He couldn’t move. He was waiting to be stung. Then she was herself again and Trixie had come to her. The dog set down a cookie and nudged it toward her before the bees came back from the storage room and forced her against the wall too. She couldn’t breath and they were entering her through her nostrils. Down the throat, flying around her stomach. They were up her skirt and filling every hole. Then they were gone and she sat against the wall in the dark. A hand reached out, luminous but she dared not take it. Dared not touch. It just hovered there. Waiting. 

            Henrietta wondered about the light in the dream. How she’d been able to see the dog if the lights had gone out. She hadn’t been concerned about Carl in the dream but when she woke, she wondered if he’d died or if he’d survived like she had. She’d heard that if you die in your dreams you don’t wake in this world again so maybe that was the hand. An offer of help. A way to stay there. Or this world inviting her back. She’d never know now. She watched the gamers rolling their dice, moving figurines across a board. Controlling their movements with carefully calculated chance. Some were painting in a corner. Creating colorful armies for future battles.

            “Hey, Hen.”

            “Carl, sorry, I was miles away.”

            “No worries.”

            “How’s that dog Carl?”

            “Think I’ll bring her home soon. She’s been coming up and letting me stroke her. Climbing on me. Lets me walk her around the cage. Her room, I mean.”

            “Great. You’ll have to bring her by.”

            “Everyday if she likes it.”

            “All right. Good luck today.”

            He took a soda and left the dollar. He didn’t pay three dollars like the new ones did. There was something to be said for being where you belong.

§

Two queens and a king. Throw the three and four. Hope for something more. Two threes and another loss to the dealer. He’d played those machines that pay on your hand but this one played against an AI. Fancy term for the dealer. You had to beat the dealer was all cause there was only ever two hands in the game and Carl never dealt. Never chose the cards he would get and always played them as best he could but the dealer always won, eventually. The game, this game, his game, was rigged that way. Carl had been dealt great cards and felt confident, and he’d held poor cards and made the best of them but no matter what he tried the dealer was always there, waiting, lingering, daring him to settle. Just settle and walk away. Give it up. Stop playing. There’s no way to win in the end and eventually even the screen would go dark. Carl knew this but on he went, never seeing the dealer, always believing it was there, though his rational mind spoke of algorithms and percentages, chance, and logic. He knew the dealer was there. He was playing with a dealer and that’s the only way the game would ever make sense. The only way to continue with any sense of hope.

§

A poster had been hung between the bathrooms where a gritty cork slab was cut into the shape of a tree for public notices to be hung. Nothing obscene but generally anything went. The gents was to the left and the ladies to the right but above the corkboard a new sign encouraged folks to make use of whichever room they most identified with that day. The new patrons felt this was proper. The older ones didn’t understand. Carl used the room on the left but when it was busier he found himself wanting to use a cubicle. To not be seen. He felt like a Dodo bird when it was busy and he was using the left room. In line for extinction, following in the ways those before him had gone. Getting closer to the cliff. They observed him as a cashier observes a person buying condoms for the first time and he knew he was only a momentary distraction from their strategies and chatter of other worlds and the mythologies they existed within.

            The poster board had a sign from the corner church, inviting all to a dinner, for friendship and connection. You could bring something if you wished but nothing was needed. Hen asked if he’d seen it.

            “Yeah. Do you know anyone that goes there?”

            “No, but the guy that hung the poster seemed nice enough. Probably a local. I never see anyone going in or out of that place.”

            “It used to be full every week. I went to a few services, years ago.”

            “So what do you think?”

            “About the dinner?”

            “Yeah.” She waited as his face muscled through different responses.

            “Could be good. Aren’t you open?”

            “It’s never busy, Friday nights. I’ll get the shift covered. Plenty of people looking for shifts.”

            “Dinner then. Pick up here?”

            She answered immediately as her body relaxed. “I’ll be here.”

§

Carl was hoping the dog, Mav he thought he might call her now, might enjoy a soft toy to snuggle with when he wasn’t there. It wouldn’t be long now till he brought her home. He arrived around four forty-five, a good forty-five minutes before Bob locked up for the evening. There was a police car by the entrance and Bob was talking with an officer and priest when he entered the office that separated the street from the lot. Another officer stopped Carl. 

            “I’m sorry. There’s been an accident. You won’t be able to come in right now.”

            “What’s happened?” Carl asked, looking at Bob.

            “Carl,” Bob replied. “I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what it is.”

            Carl moved toward him but the officer stopped him again. “Sorry sir, we really can’t let you in just yet.”

            “No he’s good. He’s the… It’s his dog.”

            “My dog?” Carl asked. “Mav?” The teddy bear dangled from his right hand.

            The officer nodded. “You’d best come with me then. We’re not entirely sure what’s happened. There’s a response team on their way. You can’t go into the cage but you’d best come and see. We’ll want to know everything the dog, Mav was it, has been fed and a record of your activities. Bob told us you’ve been with her everyday. Just him and you. No one else.”

            Mav was lying near the gate, her body split in half from her neck to the anus, like a hotdog bun laid flat. One of her legs had been removed and sat, like a baseball bat, leaning against the fencing. Her insides were honeycomb and bees crawled all over her, going about their business, unaware their rebuilding work would not be left alone for long. Her head sat alone, detached, beside the body, liquid oozing over honey dipped tendrils.

            “What is it?” Carl asked.

            “We don’t know. There’s a team on it’s way.”

            “But that’s a bee hive. And her leg. It can’t have just got there. Someone must have done this. She was walking. She was eating. There’s no lungs. No stomach. No blood.” He moved closer to the gate.

            “Try not to touch it. The whole cage needs to be kept as it is.”

            Carl looked at the soft toy. Its fur covering everything imagined inside. Mav’s head stared to the left. A bee came out of her nostril. 

“It’s a room,” he said. “They’re rooms not cages.”

            “We should go back to the office now.”

            “Yes, ok.” but he just stood there, staring at the honey. The sweetness inside of his dog finally on display for all to see. Available for all to taste. Four numbers and a face card. Nothing to hold but fluff.


Trevor Creighton is a recent graduate of Sarah Lawrence College’s M.F.A. program in Speculative Fiction. He received a B.A. in Creative Writing from Columbia University and an Ed.M. from Harvard University. He is working on a collection of short stories and is super excited the first to leave his nest will be dwelling at Post Road Magazine. Trevor currently teaches at Mercy College and you can find him in the twinkle of campfires, painting in the woods, or savoring bizarre conversations.

French Antarctica

JoAnna Novak

I do not need much, so I have brought very little. I am on the open water yet snug in the cell of my vessel. Two openings. One for me, one for my valise. My antiscurbatics, my earthly affects.

Thus:

  1. Sack of apricots, navel oranges.
  2.  One loose kumquat, size of eyeball of dissection corpse.
  3. Two flesh-toned-nylon-hued empty sleeves of Ritz Crackers. (Let these stand in for my sons.)
  4. Sheaf of wartime letters. Husband’s Palmerian script buttressing each consonant. Each vowel a suspension.

Upon the faces of the waves are expressions of fear and dispassion. The sun, round and runted, behind the clouds: gray nut. And nature’s accomplice––time is assaultive and present-tense.

I do not need much on this narrow boat––the Soviet handle is baidarka. I am poor, especially poor with denominations. As such, I have long fetishized them, believing proper terms might prevent me from descending into madness. Utter madness is the accepted phrase––I prefer commonplace commands. Sit down. Stay put. Put up. Speak up.

Utter madness.

Madness, I say to the stiff sealskin covering the canoe.

*

The first thing my husband noticed was my tendency to make a morning of blueberry biscuits. Creamed butter. Paddled butter. Melted butter. Buttermilk. Grossness of butter.

This was obvious and knuckled, a pastry blender sharding frozen butter when the boys should be getting off to school. And we were living in a house with proper walls, posts behind bricks, and glass blocks even in our shower, melting the outdoors inside. It was 1956, not 1842––we had no need to collect fats and butcher paper our windows.

One tallows a boat, one talks to a mirror, one recognizes oneself in a photograph of a mother with unsteady eyes, the same eyes one sees in her compact. Almost violent, these affinities. And the year, the home, the predictability of it all. Doorways. Area rugs. In our yard there grew a rose-apple tree.

I did enjoy that. A grandmother had taught me to talk to plants. Pitch your voice like you’d swaddle a newborn, sure and tight.

Of course, you needn’t speak sunshine. Try Czech.

My grandmother would splutter shit-something-shit.

Utter madness.

A pervasive chaos written into the bones. It runs for you. It runs deep. It does not matter if can give it a name, assign it a number. Call it Patient. If it has been rightly tied to a bed, sentenced three weeks in solitary, loud, soloing its chorus of mania in a downstate Illinois reformatory. Emaciating on cereal grains the color of colostrum.

(The milk of the sealion is fat-dense, I learned when last I took the boys to Brookfield Zoo.)

*

The sea chops the boat’s forked bow. Underneath the tough, stretched pelts are bones and pieces of driftwood. This is a frame light enough for one boy to carry with the help of his brother.

The second thing my husband noticed was how I napped in the garage, near bags of sandbox sand.

Third: I went to the butcher and brought home Polynesian shish kabobs. Ate them over the sink, pineapple and green peppers and pork belly, raw.

Fourth: Riotous laughter in church.

Fifth: A preliminary experiment with vanishing: We had a sitter on a Saturday, and we had gone out for humdrum errandry: A shirt to the tailor, Breen’s. Gravel from DeWitt’s on 31st Street. Afterwards, we got lunch.

The chop suey shop sat across from a cemetery. We were marooned in a booth, with a teapot adjudicating our silence. We were the only patrons.

When the egg rolls arrived, I excused myself. I pushed through a curtain of grenade beads depicting an emerald dragon surrounded by tiger lilies. In the restroom, there were things on the wall: a cigarette machine, a wet, waffle-weave towel that fed through a metal box with sharp, sharp corners. I pulled the towel, yanked it, heard the chuck of whatever gear inside needed oiling. I remember I was wearing a favorite dress of mine: wool, long-sleeved, navy blue with a jewel neckline. A pair of gold, low-heeled pumps that matched my clutch. I looked vaguely like Deanna Durbin, but more villainous: Deanna Durbin pulling her wrist across the corner of the towel dispenser until it bled. Deanna Durbin lighting a cigarette and watching it burn sour down to her fingertips.

A short woman in a charmeuse pantsuit, the owner, came and found me.

Do you want your supper? she asked.

Do you want your suffer? I repeated.

The moo shu had arrived and the pancakes were no good cold.

*

It is quite cold on the water, but I stay warm. Crossing my legs and thinking up little orgasms. Fisting my hand inside the camel sleeves of my one nice coat.

I stop rowing, let the oar gag on the water. I am paddling toward Saint Joseph or French Antarctica. I have come to test my possessions. Do they float?

Of course, I am lazy and immoderate, and have eaten the frills off the Ritz crackers first. This taught me that often I had misused the word nibble.

Another oily word: Nicene. Another: nyctalopia. But what, was I to bring the lamb’s quarters?

I lean forward, squashing my waist. I grab an orange. Warm in my hand, the fruit is alive.

There. Like that. I let it go, in the water.

*

Still, I had flirted with hope on at least one other occasion.

It was an August Thursday. Thunderstorms aborted whatever daylight. I was looking out the window, paused as I often found myself, entranced with being the only adult in our house.

My husband? Call him John, call him Stephen, call him Timothy. He was at his desk in his office in a building behind the sanitary plant in Stickney. At lunch he would alley over to Mrs. Dolezal’s tavern, eat in the basement cafeteria, roast turkey on dry toast.

That place, he’d told me, was overrun by cats.

(There: I draw lines. I do not learn breeds.)

I had opened a sleeve of Ritz crackers when I heard the crack. A CRACK. The sound was enormous and biological, like someone breaking invisible bone breaking clean in two. I looked out the window, observing the clever silence. From where I was standing, inside, at the kitchen sink, I could see that a long precarious limb of our front elm had snapped off. It had plunged like a cock, striking the hood of my husband’s car.

This was my own adventure, the isolation interrupted, framed by curtains the color of mango fluff. I felt aware of my lungs, compressing. Numbness in my forearms. And like that, I realized I should not fear happiness.

The thought hounded me, a fly I couldn’t shoo. I had to distract myself somehow: I put five Ritz crackers on a plate. The butter was waiting on the kitchen table. It slumped under its milk glass cover like a cow in the distance. Rounded, humped. I attacked it horizontally, skimming the edge. Not a straight up and down slice.

I remember the pleasure of biting through that thick layer of butter, which was no biting at all, the way that clenching a feather pillow in one’s mouth is both taking it and being taken. The luxury, the glamour, a quarter-inch of butter on those small crackers shaped like the dials on our Zenith.

Tune in.

The boys were crying in their nursery. I let them. It is an art, knowing when a whimper is a nightmare or a prelude to a second sleep. I grew—had grown—comfortable—confident—in making this distinction.

I ate, looking at the tree limb, heavy on my husband’s car. He was in the habit of riding in with Richard down the block. And I was in the habit of admiring the buckskin frock of the Land O’ Lakes princess while the salt-sweet milk icing got me salivating all whorish, the opulence of excess. This is happiness, I realized, mundane, manageable, here it is.

Why did I feel so horrid?

            Ornamental?

                        Appoggiaturic.

                                    So leaned on.

                                                 So rested.

                                                            Fatly munched––

and watching the static aftermath of the storm, the mild destruction suffered by our stupid Buick. Car the color of a prairie dog.

What is so bad about this? I thought. I moved to the couch. I stretched my long calves, preening and admiring my taffeta house shoes. I winked my ankles, la-di-da. The sun would emerge. The boys would wake up. We’d walk. I could open my change purse, dime them, and like that they would have cake cones with squares scoops of mint chocolate chip and raspberry royale and New York cherry from Cock Robbin.

I held a Ritz cracker like a compass and went outside.

The sky was sfumato and the air on my bare legs was cool and delicious. A patter of raindrops pearled the car. The sky veined with waning electricity, gently illuminating the wrens feathering in the puddles on the street. 

The branch was five feet long, thick as a can of Coca-Cola. At either end, it was jagged and snarly, toothed with thick splinters, like the clawish nails of the wood. The rain had come to a stop. The morning had come to a lull. I looked at the car, and I could feel a weird, distant expression screwing up my face, stiffening my mouth.

Across the street, the one-eyed standard poodle, Catie, began to bark. I petted her often, and the boys liked to scratch her ears, which her owner said were extra sensitive, but she was ruffing, worked up, like the king rooster of Sanborn Avenue. New day, she barked, new day, new day.

Yes. Panic drenched me.

I put the cracker in my mouth whole and struggled a little, chewing. The butter sat too much on the roof of my mouth.

The dog knew me, but she did not recognize me, I realized. I must have looked off, unusual, foreign, estranged from myself, split. I did not recognize the branch, entirely, amputated from the elm, and it was no surprise the dog did not recognize me. I had been staring, and it was very long, so long that I kept staring even as my body-self went into the backyard and stood at the base of the rose-apple tree.

It is not in my nature to know what I want, but at that moment I felt certain I had to unmake my world. I envied my grandmother––what must it feel like to have your capillaries buck with voltage? I must have looked as though I were recognizing this exact image from a dream.

I touched the trunk. It was damp, spongy.

In the family tree, I was fungible. One unsteady lady’s fingers become another.

Shit something something, shit, I whispered. I tasted cracker crumbs in my lipstick.

Because yes. I was the sort of woman who wore lipstick alone. Yes, I wanted to look nice for the milkman. The paper boy. The plumber. I combed my ravenette hair one hundred times a day so it would gleam when I yanked the boys through the turnstile at the zoo. I wanted the lions to slather me with their rough tongues and the lion trainers to cage me up. Madness. Utter madness.

This was when I knew I could leave. I couldn’t hear if the boys were crying.

*

It needn’t be such a mystery. A woman packs her valise with fruit and crackers. A woman sends her sons off to school. A woman picks out a tie and kisses her husband goodbye, telephones a taxi, stands on the curb, smiling and smiling her itchy smile. Her shoulders back and proud.

Now I read the waves like a worm reads the soil. Slashed with whitish foam. Choppy. Shoreless.

Another orange. I toss it, underhanded, into the water. Another. Another. I think of the sea parting totally for the fruit, fruit down a chute, a tube, a gene through the ages.

The canoe stinks awful, the sealskin reeking like old pork, rank and blood-muted. Ritz wrappers, goodbye. Then, I rid myself of the kumquat. Now all that’s left are the letters.

Reburying my diary was one matter: erasing a diagnosis like writing a check in invisible ink and tucking it inside a grandfather clock. Dear sons––. Rereading my husband’s letters is another matter. He wrote from Burma. He wrote of the Hump. He wrote of knowing in his bicipital soul that he had the stamina for solo flights.

He is a good man.

Confronting these letters, I am sure that I should feel a deep love. I am sure that I should feel like a woman of value, steadfasted to an earnest man. Two boys that smell like chocolate and raisins, easy, sleeping side by side. When I let the past go, I suppose I should feel rebuked by god, or whatever force turned branches into oars. But I don’t.


JoAnna Novak’s debut memoir Contradiction Days will be published by Catapult in 2022. Her short story collection, Meaningful Work, won the 2020 Ronald Sukenick Innovative Fiction Contest and will be published by FC2 in 2021. Her third book of poetry, New Life, is forthcoming from Black Lawrence Press. She is the author of the novel I Must Have You and two previous books of poetry: Noirmania and Abeyance, North America. Her writing has appeared in The Paris Review, The New York Times, the Washington Post, The Atlantic, and other publications. She is a co-founder of the literary journal and chapbook publisher, Tammy.

Dummies

Greg Ames

The word ventriloquism comes from the Latin terms venter and loqui, literally meaning “belly speak.” Dummies, therefore, are often referred to as “tummy talkers,” because they “speak from the stomach” and give voice to previously unexpressed thoughts and feelings. The doll speaks in a more frank and open manner than her human counterpart can, given the handler’s need to save face and follow established social conventions of propriety. The dummy, therefore, is the truthteller, the oracle, in this contentious relationship, and the “master” is soon revealed to be the subservient one. The audience sits in silent anticipation, eager to see the handler outwitted by a dummy who gives voice to the hidden and hitherto unacknowledged needs of heart, stomach, and genitals.

— Elaine Blabler, Hearing the Unspoken Voice: The Ancient Art of Ventriloquism

When she was eleven years old, my older sister Cassie carried a ventriloquist’s dummy with her wherever she went. The dummy’s name was Marilyn, and at first nobody had the heart to tell Cassie that Marilyn was not really a dummy, but a charred log from our fireplace. Every night Cassie slept in her narrow bed with this splintered wedge of burnt wood. She cuddled with it on the sofa while watching soap operas and sitcoms, and she left ashy smudges on everything she touched, from the refrigerator door to her once-white gerbils. Cassie’s homeroom teacher was concerned. The school psychologist, Nancy Palermo, asked my father if we had recently lost any family members to a house blaze or fiery car crash, anything like that. My father said, “Not exactly.” Ms. Palermo wanted to see Cassie three times a week after school for private consultations.

We lived in a squat, crumbling yellow brick house surrounded by tiger lilies. All the houses on Hood Lane were the same size. Our street appealed to young couples just starting out, elderly folks in pajamas, recovering addicts taking life one day at a time, and struggling small business owners. There were no block parties or street fairs, but every now and then some drunk kid would crash his father’s car into a tree, and we’d all gather around swimming in the headlights.

My mother’s absence from our lives—she said she was just getting her head straight in Tampa, Florida—forced my father to become the sole nurturer in our household, a terrible burden added to his already overwhelming duties as paragon and provider. He hadn’t touched a vodka tonic in over fourteen months. But when my mother took off for Florida, a move that took us all by surprise, Dad stopped going to his Don’t Drink meetings and stayed home with us.

“You listen to me,” he said from the helm of his armchair, unable to ignore my sister’s strange new hobby any longer. “That’s not a proper dummy.” He rose to his feet and stood above us. “Just look at it, for God’s sake. It doesn’t even have a mouth or or even a face.”

When my sister didn’t respond, Dad changed tactics. In a softer voice, he said, “The other kids will make fun of you. You don’t want that—do you, honey?”

He unwrapped a lollipop and paced in front of Cassie, who was seated on the family room sofa clutching Marilyn to her breast like some horribly burned infant. I sat crosslegged on the floor at Dad’s feet, paying close attention because I knew that someday I’d need to write all this down, just in case somebody asked me why I behave the way I do. “Ventriloquists are . . .” He thought for a moment. “Annoying,” he said. “And nobody really likes them.”

Cassie brooded, arms folded, on the sofa. “That’s not true,” she said. “A lot of people like them.”

“Sure, the dimwits in the audience eat it up with a spoon,” he said, “but only because they’re embarrassed for the ridiculous sap who totes a stupid dummy around. Really. It’s old hat. Fifties Vegas crap. That type of humor doesn’t appeal to us anymore. We’re much more sophisticated in our interests nowadays, Cassandra.” He hooked his thumbs into the belt loops of his jeans. “And I’m only talking about the traditional stuff. What you’re attempting here . . . Well, believe me, honey. Nobody will have any patience for some confused little kid with a burnt log for a freakin’ dummy. That’s for damn sure.”

“I like them!” Cassie said, her braces glittering. “I know you don’t care what I like, Dad, but ventriloquists make me happy.” She squeezed Marilyn tighter. “I’m gonna be a world famous ventriloquist someday, whether you like it or not.”

“Honey,” he said, “it’s burnt wood.” He chopped the blade of his hand through the air. “Am I the only one in this house who sees that? Just look at that thing. It doesn’t even have a mouth or—or even a face!” He turned to me. “Wayne, could you back me up here?”

“Dummies,” I said, smiling. “Dummies, dummies, dummies.”

My father stared at me for a few seconds without speaking.

“Mom would let me do it,” Cassie said. “Mom would encourage me.”

My father twirled the lollipop stick in his mouth. “I just don’t get the attraction of ventriloquism. Really. I’m at a loss here. I mean, it wasn’t even cool in my day. And now? Let’s face it, it’s not even in the conversation.”

He looked to me again. Whatever expression he saw on my nine-year-old face didn’t invite an easy alliance.

“You two need to learn about ‘cool.’ You know what the coolest kids in any school do?” Dad shoved both hands in the back pockets of his jeans. “They sing and dance. Look back in time, look forward: doesn’t matter. What will the cool kids be doing a hundred years from now?”

“Singing and maybe dancing?” I said, trying to catch Cassie’s eye, hoping she’d laugh with me.

“That’s right, son. That’s right,” he said, smiling back at me. “They will be singing and dancing in the streets. You can’t hold them back. Don’t even try.”

“I won’t,” I said.

“Smart. Because it wouldn’t do you any good.”

My sister hugged Marilyn to her breast. “You guys are both such jerks,” she said in a small voice.

“What did I do?” I said.

“Okay, okay, fine, if you insist on pursuing this,” he said, making a grand concession, the lollipop bobbing up and down in his mouth, “just ditch the log, and I’ll buy you a real dummy at the clown shop or whatever, and you can—”

“Stop it!” Cassie pushed past him. Swinging her pointed elbows, she ran out of the family room and stomped up the stairs, trailing a whiff of scorch behind her. We heard her bedroom door slam shut.

“Well, she’s got a flair for the dramatic, I’ll give her that,” he said. “But I’m worried about that girl. What is she trying to prove here?”

Stroking his goatee, that gingery eruption of hair on his face, Dad looked out the family room window at the snowplowed street. Cassie’s strange behavior had called into question so much that he had taken for granted, including his own coolness. He was forty-four years old, a marketing director for Studio Arena Theatre, a job that allowed him to dress and act like an artist—ponytail, earrings, jeans—yet still collect a businessman’s steady paycheck. He liked avant-garde theater, but he was not hip enough to deal with the grotesque in his own home. He bit into the lollipop. Flakes of green candy clung to the inverted triangle of hair beneath his lower lip. He would have welcomed my mother’s input in a situation like this. Her absence galled him. He looked down at me and frowned. “And what do you find so amusing, mister?”

I had become a watchdog for adult hypocrisy. I spent up to twelve hours a day studying the erratic behavior of grownups with a smirk on my face.

My father hitched up his sagging jeans and squatted before me like an aging baseball catcher. He put his hands on my shoulders. “Let’s have us a little chat,” he said, “man to man. Now, I know you two are a team, but we’re all on the same team, right?” I smelled the sour apple of his lollipop. “Is your sister still popular at that school? What do the other kids say about her?”

“She has lots of friends,” I said, and then corrected myself. “She used to.”

He nodded. “Minor setback. She’ll win them back. So, who are the most popular kids nowadays? The singers, the dancers? Or the jocks?”

I shrugged.

“The nerds?” He smiled. “Have the nerds finally risen to the top?”

“Every cool kid is different, Dad.”

“Right, right. It’s the age of specialization. She’s taking a big risk with this log thing, but who knows? It might pay off. You think it could?”

I was the wrong person to ask. My inability to keep up with the latest trends always unnerved my father. The public schools, in his opinion, were a hotbed of ingenuity, a testing ground where a tribe of potential superstars sparred over the future of our culture’s rites and rituals. But I was too busy to worry about any of that. My mother had moved to Florida, without warning, and I’d become the unofficial archivist of her debris. I inventoried the baubles on her bedside table. I straightened the photo I’d pinned on the fridge beneath a pineapple magnet. Nights, in my bedroom, I read her left-behind books, especially the photocopied working scripts from the roles she’d played at the theater. I fixated on her tiny pencil-scrawled notes in the margins: “Build.” “Energy, energy, energy.” “Brokenhearted.”

“So what’s your gambit to achieve popularity in school?” my father asked.

“My what?”

“Your sister has Marilyn. What sets you apart from the pack?”

“Nothing,” I said.

“That’s loser talk. Think about where there’s a demand, a need, and then give the people what they want. Are there any singers and dancers in your grade?”

“I don’t know.” A tired sigh escaped me. “I guess.”

Roosevelt Middle School, a four-story moron factory on the west side of town, warehoused close to four thousand kids, and featured a substantial population of head bangers, gasoline sniffers, bullies and other future felons. Mr. Brummer, the head security guard, roamed the corridors eyeballing every backpack and lunchbox with the institutional distrust of an El Paso border guard. A cleft-chinned chain smoker with a diamond stud in his left earlobe, Brummer the Bummer would sometimes stop me in the hall, invade my personal space and ask an inane question just so he could see if my pupils were dilated. I didn’t know if he recognized the future stoner in me and was trying to prevent this terrible fate, or if all his chatter about illicit substances and “what they could do to a boy” actually drove me to the bong in high school.

“You kids have so much to offer,” Dad said, “but in my opinion you’re selling yourselves short.”

He tucked the sticky lollipop stick behind his ear, one of the oddest moves I’d ever seen him make. Though twenty years have passed since that day, I still sometimes think about that hapless white stick balanced over my father’s ear like an unsmoked cigarette, giving him the look of a street tough in an old Hollywood movie, a ne’er-do-well loitering outside the pool hall.

Dad patted my shoulder, stood up, and walked out of the room. In the kitchen, a cupboard door banged shut. “God, grant me the serenity . . .” he said. A moment later he returned, his cheek bulging with a fresh lollipop.

“I’m gonna check on Cassie,” I said, rising from the floor.

“Okay! Now you’re talking.” He nodded in approval. “Good man,” he called after me. “That’s the spirit! Report back to me afterwards and we’ll compare notes.”

I climbed the stairs and knocked on my sister’s closed bedroom door. “Get lost, Wayne,” she said, sniffling. “I just wanna be alone.”

I opened the door and stepped in. The bonfire aroma blended with all the other exotic smells of her bedroom: damp towels and washcloths; nail polish remover; sticky bottles of cheap perfume spot welded to the dresser; cherry and grape lip gloss. She’d moved these items from Mom’s dressing table to her own, along with some costume jewelry and a handheld mirror. Chest down on her bed, her ankles crossed in the air behind her, Cassie flicked through the pages of a Seventeen magazine. Marilyn was on the once-white pillowcase, just under Cassie’s swaying feet. In the virginal setting of her bedroom, this black log was as conspicuous and disconcerting as a man standing naked in traffic.

I sat down on the smudged pink comforter and placed my hand on her back, the way Dad sometimes did with me when I had a nightmare.

“I have gum in my room,” I said, trying not to brag. “Hubba Bubba and Bubble Yum. I’ll give you a piece. What’s your favorite flavor?”

She ignored me.

“I might have Juicy Fruit, but I’d have to check first.”

“I don’t want any gum. God.”

We sat in silence for half a minute, my sister smothering her tears while I searched for the right words.

“Want me to try to paint your toenails again?” I asked at last. “I can do it better this time.”

“Just leave me alone, Wayne. God, can’t I have any privacy in this house?”

“I wish! Tell me about it,” I said, employing two of her favorite expressions back-to-back to ingratiate myself with her. And for about three seconds, I gawked at the oily burnt stains on her pillowcases, knowing, even then, that they would never be clean again. “Hey, Cassie,” I said. “You’re right. Ventriloquists are cool.”

She swung her face toward me. “Really? You think so?”

“Definitely.” I nodded. “Yep.”

“I’ve been practicing every night. I’m getting better, too. I think I’m actually pretty good.”

“Well, that’s what it takes. To get good, I mean.”

“Do you want to see me do a routine?”

I told her I did, and honestly, I did. Even though my sister’s armpit sweat smelled foreign to me now and zits had colonized her chin, I still considered her my best friend. We hadn’t spent much time together since Mom had left for Florida. Cassie’s bedroom had become off limits. No boys allowed. So I felt honored by her invitation to watch a private performance.

She propped the burnt log on her lap. Her oily forehead featured a few ashy fingerprint swirls. Her smudged yellow T-shirt called to mind a demented crossbreed of Charlie Brown and Pigpen. “Okay,” she said. “Here goes.” She took a deep breath and shouted, “It’s a nice day today, isn’t it, Marilyn?” She bounced her left knee once, hard, and ashes fell to the rug.

“Mmm-hmm!” Marilyn said.

Cassie looked down at Marilyn as though she were a newborn baby.

“Do you like going to school, Marilyn?”

“Mmm-hmm!” Marilyn said.

“That’s good.” Cassie laughed. “School is important. But it’s also really tough for a lot of people. Will you be ready for seventh grade, you think?”

Marilyn thought about it for a moment, considered the possibilities before answering definitively: “Mmm-hmm!”

My sister stared at me with raised eyebrows. “So? What do you think?” A loose strand of blond hair fell over her eyes. She pushed her lower lip out and blew the curl back.

“Wow,” I said.

“Right? I’m getting good at it. Mrs. Palermo says I have a ‘unique talent.’

Remember when I told you about Mister Charleston and Woody coming for assembly? They were really great and everybody loved it when Mr. Charleston drank that orange juice and Woody sang ‘Feelings.’ Whoa oh oh feelings.” She searched my eyes for an answer and motioned to her oppressor downstairs. “And if I love it,” she said, “shouldn’t that be what matters? I want to get really good before Mom comes back, so she can see what I can do.”

On an intuitive level I understood my sister’s sorrow. On the other hand, I found ventriloquism weird and scary. And though I agreed, in principle, with my father’s assessment of the craft, I tried to remain neutral to protect everyone’s feelings. Even at nine, I recognized the necessity of self-preservation.

“Why won’t he ever support me?” she asked. “Why does he do that?”

I shrugged. “Because all grownups are dicks and I hate them?”

Cassie smiled at me. I smiled back. Then we both broke out snorting and cracking up. At that moment, we were as close as we had been since Mom left for Florida.

It didn’t last.

“Well, if Mom’s not back soon,” Cassie said, “I’m going to Florida to live with her. She’ll let me do what I want.”

My sister had once been popular and funny, a straight-A student who had always been a favorite of her teachers. Her high standing had given me, her little brother, an extra boost. Left to my own devices, I was a brooding, bookish daydreamer trying to read Waiting For Godot and The Bald Soprano in my room while other boys shot pellet guns by the railroad tracks. Sometimes I tried to read my mom’s existential philosophy books, too, and as a consequence of this unsupervised research, I began to suspect that God, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, was just another big fat lie, a threat perpetuated by adults who wanted to keep children docile. I waited for the day when Dad would sit me down and explain that heaven and the devil and happiness and sex also didn’t exist. It occurred to me that grownups had no idea what they were doing, especially when it came to raising children, and I studied their alien behavior with cold objectivity, hoping that by understanding the nature of hypocrisy, I might not go through life terrified of absolutely everything.

As far as I could tell my sister was a lost cause. A training bra dangled over the back of her desk chair. She couldn’t pass a mirror without poking her hair, checking her teeth, inspecting her profile. Her once-smooth face was now shiny with grime and pustules. Something secret and horrible was going on in her bedroom at night, something that didn’t include me.

I wanted Cassandra to go back to normal, to give up ventriloquism and become my best friend again, but she was as stubborn as everybody else in the family. Nobody could tell her what to do. She needed to believe she’d made the choice on her own. My job, as I saw it, was simply to plant the seed and skedaddle.

“You know,” I said, rising to my feet, “it’s okay that you’re embarrassing our family with all this crazy stuff. Because Mom isn’t ever coming back. She couldn’t wait to ditch us.” I motioned with my chin to the burnt log in my sister’s arms. “Probably for reasons like this. We’re freaks.”

I left her bedroom with hardly a backward glance. I trotted down the carpeted stairs, kicked open the back door, and hopped down the slushy cement steps. Snow crunched underneath my sneakers in the driveway.

My father followed me outside. “What did you find out, champ?” he called out. “Let’s compare notes.”

I sprinted down the driveway and dove behind a snow bank, knowing that I had broken away from her, too, my last link to the idea of a family.

“Wayne!” My father stood on the steps and hugged himself for warmth. “Come here, son. I want to ask you some questions.”

Ignoring his call, I lay flat on the sidewalk behind the snowbank, holding my breath, swallowing my words, until my father cursed at the sky and returned inside.

From that night until just now, I have been on my own.

Isn’t that Nice

Halley Parry

Marielle had a tooth yanked from her gum on a Tuesday while most people she knew were gliding around carpeted office buildings moving papers from one window to the other and eating salads from round plastic bowls, their feet secretly bare beneath their desks. After the procedure as she approached her apartment, she remembered that her husband, Simon, would not be at home waiting to tend to her. This was not because Simon would be on call sitting next to his ambulance or tending to other injured people, but because he wasn’t her husband anymore.

The rotten, extracted tooth rattled around a plastic orange container shaped like a treasure chest. It was not her tooth to bite with, gnaw with anymore despite its long, troubled history in her mouth. A stray cat switched its tail on a small patch of dirt next to the steps leading to the door of her building. Her apartment sat three stories directly above a dress shop, the kind of store that only contains seven or eight items, as if each dress would become violent if left too near a competitor. The beta fish of dresses. She preferred crowded shops where you can’t distinguish one item from another until you pull it out, and leave empty handed because nothing looks quite as beautiful when held up by itself but merely compliments its rack mates. She examined the gaping hole in the front of her mouth in the reflection of the window, actively disregarding the eyebrow raise from the woman behind the counter.

For several weeks after preschool let out for the summer, a neighbor’s daughter was dispatched to Marielle’s house for containment and snacks while the girl’s mother, a robust woman named Ophelie, conducted research about the details of her own infanthood. Specifically, who her birth mother might be. Little Hattie was parked in a wooden chair with the excess of a long tablecloth pulled across her head when Marielle came in. Her stuffed bear Frizzy was on the floor smiling his yarn smile. “She was just here,” Marielle mused falsely with a smile, fewer teeth, “I guess all of this pie is for me then.”

“I’m right HERE!” Hattie squealed, dramatically revealing herself and clearing the table with a comic clatter, a clatter that lasts much longer than the inciting incident and continues smashing gleefully long after it should have ceased. Marielle was still sweeping up broken glass and collecting grains of sugar when Hattie’s mother leaned on the buzzer downstairs. Marielle had always hated how a sound could infiltrate the space without her approval. The buzzer rang again, longer. Hattie had salt on her face from tears and was picking blueberries out of the pie, holding her legs very still while Marielle reached under the table for a particularly jagged fragment of vase. The vase had been a gift from Marielle’s husband, Simon. His sudden departure from her life made her suspect he was apt to return just as suddenly, so she left the wounded door to her apartment gaping, exposing the warm innards of her apartment to the hallway. She already couldn’t remember much about his physical presence. When his name was uttered or floated behind her eyes she thought of a small bump on the back of his head that flaked like a delicate pastry and the night he had crawled into bed making every effort not to touch her by crossing his arms over his chest, sheathed in his favorite sweater and clammy-handed. This was the night after the doctor told her that she was broken, that she could not carry a child in her belly. She pictured rust swirling through her bloodstream, her womb an old safe floating to the bottom of the sea. But she didn’t blame the man; the switch of his biology had simply been flipped to off.

Hattie was examining the pictures of a children’s book with an element of horror in it, a mysterious beast with a hard metal spike for a tail and big round eyes. The beast was unpredictable, and according to her mother, nothing to worry about. “FAERIES” she screamed as if it was an obvious answer to the question no one was able to ask aloud, forgetting momentarily about the mess she had just made: “The beast hates FAERIES because they are beautiful and can fly and live forever until we all EXPLODE.” A piece of blueberry launched from her mouth with the force of her XPL. She must know something about science.

Hattie was explaining the beast in more detail than was reflected on the pages of the book when her mother came in through the open door and immediately asked her to please stop, she was not supposed to mention the beast after dark. Because that’s when he is here, I suspect, said Hattie’s eyes. Ophelie whisked herself over to her daughter and ruffled her short blonde hair. She wore a pink faux fur coat that was stained and matted and resembled asbestos torn from the walls of a remodeled home. She wrapped her cold fingers around Marielle’s wrists and over her flannel shirt to drag her into the kitchen where she opened a bottle of wine without asking, “I found her,” she said, quietly pausing to make a snide comment about Marielle’s missing tooth, “I fucking found her.” Ophelie had been adopted by a couple in Manhattan when she was two years old. Now, she was spending afternoons at the adoption agency sifting through records after being diagnosed with a rare genetic, if nonfatal, disease. The agency informed her that they could not give her any information about where she came from because she had been turned in by a woman who found her, ” found me,” she repeated with bug eyes, “outside the supermarket.” Marielle did not have time to formulate an appropriate question before Ophelie began to speak again.

“But then we, me and the hag from the agency, found the cops who were there that night when I was dumped. It was on the exact border and the same exact day that they found that tribe of feral people on the mountain.”

Marielle remembered the history lesson about the feral tribe, their hairy faces, the headlines and the lawsuits, the updated science textbooks. The skepticism surrounding their DNA tests, when scientists realized these people had more genetic material in common with fossils of early humans than humans today. No one knew how they had remained unseen for so long. And she also remembered that they were suspected to have produced offspring in jail. She remembered how they spat accusatory fingers of drool at camera crews and were all later arrested for one thing or another. One woman, she remembered slowly, had been arrested for eating a live tabby cat. It was missing, its face printed on cheap paper and stapled to every telephone pole on the block. The woman was using a staple to clean her teeth when they found her—she’d stabbed the officer with the staple, leaving a tiny puncture wound on his thumb that bled for days.

Ophelie sat down, “So what they think is, I am the direct descendent of a yeti. Half yeti, maybe. At least this explains my Pangaea forehead and inability to keep my arms properly shaved.” She was taking this news surprisingly well. Marielle wasn’t even sure how to classify this news. Ophelie had a set of adoring parents and a latent desire for fame, but surprises had never settled well with her. Hattie’s genesis had unwound her and stitched her back together in a particular chaotic shape and this revelation had the potential to nibble at the stitches with a set of pointy teeth.

“The beast is here,” said Hattie from the doorway to the kitchen, flatfooted and flat voiced. She was having an intense conversation in glances with the space just behind Marielle, who couldn’t help it and turned around slowly to see what was behind her. There was, of course, nothing there. “He’s hungry,” said Hattie and placed some pie on the ground.

Hattie’s beast lives on a tall island in the middle of the sea on a planet pasted with clouds. These are her words. Paste is how a child makes things stay where they could not otherwise. It is impossible to tell how large or small the beast is; it could be as small as a tealeaf or as large as a lumbering mammoth. No one knows how large the planet is, either. The sea that the island juts from is the color of strong black tea and glints from the scales of thousands of tiny silver sea creatures that dance in roils and fall like bubbles in a boiling pot. She complicates the picture book with her own drawings, self-portraits, rudely inserting herself into the narrative as she had inserted herself into the narrative of her mother’s body.

“You aren’t afraid of the beast anymore?” said Ophelie in disbelief.

“He can’t come unstuck yet from the book.” At this, Hattie was ushered out of the room and into her own apartment down the street.

A square of light from an adjacent window fell onto the bed over the lump of Marielle’s body in the otherwise dark room. As she lay perfectly still under a mound of blankets in an attempt to warm one area of the bed as efficiently as possible, a muffled alarm began to scream beneath her. It began as a low tone and escalated quickly. She tried to ignore its shrill whine but it coaxed her into wakefulness and she climbed, shivering, from bed and fastened a robe around her waist. The alarm was muffled by the floorboards she placed her feet on and lifted them from, one after the other until she reached her front door, which she left ajar even in sleep. She looked out her kitchen window onto the street, empty save for several parked cars. There was no chaos. The only chaos existed in her head where sound stopped being waves and turned to noise. A light was flashing intermittently below her, illuminating the sidewalk that was damp from an earlier rain. The whole scene appeared to be made of glass.

She retrieved her phone from the bedside table and dialed 9-1-1. The dispatcher answered, “What’s the address? Did you see an intruder? If you didn’t see an intruder or any evidence of a crime, I can’t send someone down there. We have pressing emergencies that…can you hold?” She held. She peeled a banana and began to eat it. The aroma filled the kitchen. Then the banana started to taste metallic, like she was cutting it with razor blades instead of her teeth. The banana came away from her mouth red. The alarm escalated again, grew louder and more insistent. It made her veins pulse, the taste in her mouth became stronger and she spit on the floor, red, like she’d just flossed her teeth with rusty wire. She took another pill and stuffed her mouth with the cotton swabs they had sent her home with in a small plastic bag. The cotton tasted like fresh laundry and when the emergency dispatcher came back on the line, she tried to speak but the sound wouldn’t escape through the cloth, it muffled her words. She wrapped the blanket strewn on the back of the couch around her ears and was lulled to sleep on the couch by steady, unanswered cries for help.

The next morning, in silence, she took two more pills and called in sick from work. She awoke in a daze hours later to Hattie humming softly on the floor beside her. Hattie’s voice was low, a cheerful little growl, “You napped,” she said, “I came in myself. I’m hungry.” Marielle’s stomach bowed towards her spine, hungry too, and when she stood up the world flashed bright. She boiled water for spaghetti and sliced an avocado in half, throwing the knife into the pit to lift it from its flesh, while Hattie floated on imaginary wings around the kitchen table. She drained the noodles and filled each half of avocado with mini shrimp from the freezer, they would thaw before it was time to eat. The pit of the avocado landed with a dull thud on top of trash in the bin. The curve of the shrimp bodies would heat to room temperature, be consumed, and then heat for life in their human bellies before being expelled.

Hattie began eating the shrimp frozen because she liked strawberry popsicles. It was cold but sunny so they went out to eat on the stoop. Hattie placed her small white plate one step above where she sat and Marielle placed hers one step below, next to her feet. She leaned around the banister and peered into the shop window. The woman behind the counter was looking at her fingernail as though on the brink of a great, but puzzling, discovery. She was sweating, Marielle could tell because she wiped her forehead with a small white square of cloth, too small to be a handkerchief. It reminded Marielle of the gauze and the pasta in her mouth began to taste like a sweater Simon used to wear under his uniform when it was cold. She had once tried to take the sweater off with her teeth but it took much too long, and she found he was wearing another sweater underneath. It was impossible to undress him.

The entire storefront was a window that had been perfectly polished until it appeared invisible. One short white dress hung on a metal mannequin in the center of the store. Its shoulders were structured like two paper airplanes and the shopgirls’ part was as straight as a runway down the center of her head. She moved from behind the small counter and adjusted a sleeve of the dress on display, making no discernable difference, but the adjustment appeared to satisfy her. She resumed her post in the sterile greenhouse, a light wind moving among the leaves. Marielle pushed on the gum where her tooth used to be and it throbbed. Several minutes later, Ophelie turned the corner and approached the stoop, a manila folder under her arm bursting with crisp white paper. Marielle knew it had something to do with the woman, her mother, but didn’t ask. Ophelie swept Hattie from the porch and down the street, she placed a warm hand on Marielle’s knee and Hattie mimicked the gesture on her foot in a gesture of goodbye.

Marielle descended the stairs behind them, leaving the dishes where they sat, and entered the shop to see if perhaps the alarm from the night before had come from inside. She caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror to the left of the entrance, her jeans fit poorly and her t-shirt was wrinkled and yellowing in the armpits. The girl behind the counter raised her eyes but did not utter a word of greeting as Marielle approached the counter. She placed both hands on the cold surface and the girl still did not raise her head. She was thin, her collarbones stuck out through her white silk top which seemed to not be touching any part of her body but hovering around her. Marielle suddenly remembered her tooth, and that speaking would reveal its absence. This was not an environment for missing teeth. She would be frowned upon. Instead, she smiled with closed lips and in order to explain her charge of the counter, she selected a lacy black thong from a bowl and purchased it in silence, how sophisticated of her. When she emerged back out onto the street she pushed onto her gum harder with a dirty finger and looked down to realize that the thong was an XS, PETITE and had cost her forty-six dollars she didn’t have. The stray cat ate the leftover shrimp on the stoop.

Hattie let herself in promptly after school the next day and sat quietly until the sun set. Marielle woke up on the couch and found her in the kitchen on tiptoe, slicing a banana with the handle of a serving spoon. When Ophelie swept through the door, Hattie was elaborating on her day with a mouthful of banana, “…and his teacups are made of dust. No, his teacups are made of sticks and his tea is dust which is why he always has a cough,” she coughed to elaborate before continuing, “and all over the mountain are yellow flowers that grow pomegranate seeds and that’s what he eats.”

Ophelie’s teeth were stained with red. She announced that she was done with research, she had no more interest in learning about her mother and Hattie would no longer need to spend afternoons with Marielle. Her eyes wouldn’t focus and Hattie looked at Marielle as though she knew this mood, her mother should not be questioned or prodded, and Hattie followed her somberly. Marielle was surprised to feel a great sense of loss that Hattie wouldn’t be arriving every day. At first, it had seemed like a great burden but she had come to enjoy Hattie’s small presence.

Marielle fell asleep before taking any medication, her gum suffered a dull warm pain she had become accustomed to and almost welcomed. The lack of pain in the rest of her body made her feel perfect. She was naked, she hadn’t changed the sheets since he left and they were soaked with oils from her skin. As if on cue, the wail of the alarm woke her from a deep sleep and this time she shot from bed immediately. She had dreamt of her wedding, slipping in and out of her dress under observation in rewind and then forward slowly. The petite thong rested, rolled up in a tiny coil, on the kitchen counter.

This time, she zipped up the jeans on the floor next to her bed and went downstairs onto the street. She called 9-1-1 from her cell phone, a different voice from the previous night answered, “What is your emergency.”

“Something set off the alarm in the shop below my apartment and it isn’t shutting off,” she said unsure if the wail had drowned her out entirely. The alarm began to hold its notes longer like a melancholy performer.

“Is there evidence of a break-in or other criminal activity?” the dispatcher took a sip of something next to the mouthpiece.

“No it just keeps going off, the same thing happened last night and no one comes to turn it off.”

“Ma’am, unless there is suspicious activity I can’t send a car down there.”

“What if I told you it was me, I’m breaking into the store.”

“Are you, ma’am?”

“No.”

“Good night then miss.” The liquid he had sipped made him cough before he hung up.

She pressed her nose to the window, leaving a smudge. The interior of the store was completely still, a diorama, the white dress stood in darkness. At intervals in time to the beat of the alarm it was bathed in red light. The color weaponized its purity, blood spilled on a snow-covered garden. She didn’t sleep or even close her eyes until the sun rose and the alarm was silenced presumably by its own code, by the finger of the unreadable woman who would remove her coat and place it delicately over a chair behind the counter.

The day passed, and at noon she went to get a new tooth sewn into her gums. It was made specifically for her, and was not noticeably different when she bared her teeth in the small circular mirror. Only she could tell it was an imposter. She missed little Hattie. On her block, a woman was crouching down next to a small boy and pointing at something. Marielle followed her finger which led to the stray cat, curled up behind a dresser that someone had discarded on the curb next to a bag of trash. The woman was enunciating kitty, K-I-T-T-Y and sounded ridiculous, “Isn’t that cute? Isn’t that nice? He’s sleeping!” As Marielle passed she saw, after some scrutiny, that the cat was not sleeping but had starved to death.

As Marielle walked from the kitchen to the living room with a glass of wine later that evening the room erupted into noise with such ferocity that she dropped the glass. It was not the alarm as she initially suspected but her telephone. The glass didn’t break, but warm red wine eased onto the carpet like a tide. She answered the phone on the second ring, it was nearly 10 o’clock. It was Hattie and she sounded scared, there was a dish clattering in the background.

“Mama made dinner and it tastes bad,” she whispered.

“What do you mean it tastes bad.”

“It’s not dinner,” Hattie’s voice rose with panic.

“I’ll come over, hang tight.”

She walked to the building where Ophelie and Hattie lived alone in the garden apartment. There was a small arrangement of doll furniture on the curb, a bed made from cardboard and matches, a chair that would seat someone just larger than the person who was sized to sleep in the bed, a tattered blanket, a tiny jar of jam that reminded Marielle of continental breakfasts at cheap motels and a small flower pot full of Styrofoam peanuts. She recognized these objects, they were Hattie’s toys, placed on the street like old junk.

She pushed tentatively at the buzzer, twice, three times until Ophelie came to the door. She was speaking as if she had started a conversation long before Marielle arrived, “And did you know, “she said, frantically slicing a chicken and placing it onto empty plates and picking what appeared to be a feather from between her teeth but couldn’t be, “that the women got raped by the hunters that found them, that those were the babies they gave birth to?” Marielle looked closer. The chicken was completely raw, bleeding onto the plates and the table was set for five people.

Before Marielle had a chance to answer, Hattie lowered her head and vomited into a soup bowl on the table in front of her, perfectly refilling it, and cried with her head in her hands. Ophelie laughed a wicked peal that ended in one long note.

Emerging from stun into ferocity, Marielle pointed to Hattie’s fork, “Put that down,” she said, “Ophelie, go to bed. I’m taking your daughter to my apartment for a sleepover.” Ophelie’s face softened, as her hand clenched around utensils, “My daughter?” She lunged before falling to the ground with the force of her own sobs. She lay among them. Marielle whispered, “Get yourself together.”

“Hattie, why is Frizzy’s furniture on the sidewalk?” she stepped to Hattie and took her hand, crouched on her knees.

“He’s moving out, he hates it here, and he particliary hates mama ,” she screamed weakly as though she were trying to scream in a nightmare, dry and soft. Frizzy sat propped in the chair next to her, disturbed. Marielle was wrong. This was bad news and Ophelie was taking it murderously.

Marielle led Hattie outside where she promptly vomited on the sidewalk, drenching Frizzy and her own front with bile. She wept and cradled her stomach. Marielle pulled her hair from her forehead which was burning hot and lifted her off the ground, smearing vomit on her sweater but not minding. With her other hand she reached into her pocket for her phone and began dialing 9-1-1, again. The memory of her recent failures with those particular digits stopped her and instead she did something she swore never to do again, she called Simon. He had a fondness for Hattie and would know what to do from a medical perspective at least. Hattie tugged on her hair, wanting to be let down. Marielle placed her on the ground where she bent down and scooped up Frizzy’s match bed from the curb, one-eighth his size, and returned to slump against the back of Marielle’s legs. Frizzy would need somewhere to sleep. Simon answered on the third ring of the second call, “What.”

She lifted Hattie back up and said with the strain of the little body ascending in her voice said, “Hattie’s been poisoned by raw chicken and possibly something else I need help. She’s really sick.”

“Jesus Christ Elle. Please tell me you aren’t making this up,” he said.

“No, I need you to come help me, it’s a sick child.” She was silent while he agreed, she apologized for the call and continued the journey down the block where she carried Hattie up the stairs clumsily, Hattie repeatedly head-butting her in the mouth like a tiny goat, and placed her gently on a towel on the bed. She dreaded his arrival but carried within her a deep desire to see him, to remember his face. She went into the front of the apartment and closed the front door. She wished she hadn’t apologized. As she turned the lock, the alarm began to scream and a sound mimicked it from the bedroom.

Marielle clamped her jaw with surprise and her new tooth chose this moment to fall from her mouth in a cliff dive to the floor where it crashed with such ferocity that it overpowered the competing wails for just a moment. The pain was acute. She took one pill, two, three, placing her mouth directly under the faucet. The water splashed joyfully on her face and neck. She immediately began to feel the numbing effects of the pills on her body and mind. Hattie was silenced but the alarm carried on with unrelenting vigor, tearing through the fiber of her ears into the intricate network where her thoughts nested. She did not know where Simon was coming from or how long it would take him to arrive, how long had it been since she called? Frizzy stank and she placed him in the sink with the water still running before checking to make sure Hattie was alive, her pulse thrummed under the skin of her neck. She checked her own pulse too, because life is a fragile thing. She embroidered this on a pillow in her mind. She would wash Frizzy until the water ran clean.

A steady wind grazed her face and she felt her eyes opening and closing instinctually to protect themselves. The alarm seemed louder tonight, the shop darker. The dress shone like a moon instead, carrying within it an inherent vital brightness. She picked up a metal chair chained to the café next to the shop and used the leg, which reached just far enough, to shatter the front window of the store. Then she reluctantly dialed 9-1-1.

“There has been a break-in at a shop on 3rd street,” she paused, eyeing the dress, “two doors down from my apartment and they’ve broken a window,” she went on, “it’s two men, one tall and one short and they are wearing all black and they were both coughing aggressively.” She remembered that little details make everything more believable, “actually just one of them was coughing, but so aggressively it sounded like two.”

When she hung up, she walked idly through the hole she had created and circled the dress like a predator, the red light of the alarm had begun flashing rapidly, now bathing both her and the dress in its violent hue. She ran her finger over the fabric and licked it, as though she had just touched a delicious cake and tried to hide the evidence. She turned and caught a glimpse of herself in the long mirror made for examining bodies in beautiful things. She was drooling slightly, the pills, she wiped it away and smiled a toothless grin at herself. She remembered something then about the wild women, one in particular. Before she was cleaned up, before she was placed somewhere in the city, they had led this particular wild woman into a room with a mirror and observed her. The first thing she did was throw herself at the mirror. It took her a moment to realize that she was seeing herself for the first time. She placed her hands on the mirror and leaned in, moving them up and down in precise measurements. She found she could not let go of her own reflected hands and wept at her own image. When the image wept back, she laughed. When her reflection laughed, she looked around for an explanation. Her reflection looked around for an explanation, too, but she couldn’t see it when she turned her head.

Marielle carefully unzipped the back of the dress and lifted it from the mannequin. It was weightless. She shoved the dress under her sweater and thought of the look the saleswoman would give her. The delicate structure! You’ll wrinkle the fabric! Monster, crazy bitch, the most unsophisticated woman in the world!

She crunched back over the mound of broken glass as though they were fallen leaves, nearly slicing her cheek on the jagged wall of the window, sprinted into her apartment and threw the dress down on the couch where it reclined delicately to rest. She heard sirens in the distance approaching, the sounds swirling like a physical thing from all directions. She put on a jacket and went back onto the street. She was standing on the sidewalk when the first police car pulled up, blue lights flashing and giving the whole scene an aquarium glow. Before she had a chance to speak, the man in the passenger seat had her hands behind her back and was snapping handcuffs over them. She thought about struggling but was swimming. She knew that this could be cleared up easily with a few simple words but the shock had muted her. The officer got her blood on his hands and checked the wound on her cheek gruffly, certainly filed it as evidence of her guilt. So, she had cut her cheek after all.

Then she recognized a plain car pulling up to the curb. Simon stepped out of the driver’s seat and left the headlights on, a diver’s spotlight in the swirling blue sea of light. He exchanged some words with the cop, patted him on the shoulder. It appeared to pain him to admit that he was acquainted with the bleeding woman in handcuffs on the sidewalk. He must have known the police officer as well, because he apologized profusely as he uncuffed her and pawed her face strangely. She explained that she had been the one to call the police and reiterated her description of the burglars to a “how unusual, they took one dress,” from the officer.

She realized she was speaking with a lisp. Her husband led her upstairs, she didn’t limp, “Hattie’s in the bedroom.” She wouldn’t thank him again or apologize. She slurred, he didn’t ask her many questions. Simon opened the door with his own key, but found that it was unlocked and shook his head. He helped her gently lay down on the couch, on top of the dress. She could feel the fabric of it on the back of her arms and she smiled. He either did not notice the dress or chose not to, and took his bulky backpack with him into the bedroom.

She heard him ask Hattie what her favorite color was, which was the wrong question. Hattie didn’t believe in favorite colors. She knew, already, that one color was meaningless without the others. She had the tenacity of an elderly politician who would never be elected but continues to run every year. Hattie choked on the words she was saying, and they were followed by the sound of vomit in a bowl, and Marielle’s husband came into the living room looking for pen and paper, “How does she know the word ‘contract’? I don’t think she remembers me,” he sighed, disrupting the top layer of sugar in the bowl on the kitchen table. Marielle, wide-awake, lay on the couch and listened to the sounds of this man taking care of a child in what was once their bed together. She felt a shallow, tortured emotion, like trying to pick an invisible hair from your tongue and giving up.

A commotion in the kitchen captured her attention. Frizzy was drenched and trying to hide, she saw his leg slip down into the drain and the sound of the water running changed. It was no longer water falling on steel but water falling into more water. His head lowered into the sink but his expression did not change.

Her husband’s voice surprised her before she could prevent Frizzy from drowning, “Hattie will be fine, it was just a powerful reaction to the raw meat and stress. I’ve given her something for infection.” He picked up the thong on the counter, “What’s this? You’ve never worn anything like this before.” Before he could say, It doesn’t suit you, he stepped on the tooth that had fallen from her mouth earlier and barked. She wanted him to stay.

“You’ll be okay with a full house tonight, then?” he said, moving towards the front door, which was now open.

Not quite a full house, she thought to herself, there is still one empty bed. When she was alone she took teeth, both rot and enamel and placed them side by side in Frizzy’s bed, covering them gently with a piece of gauze. They were the only occupants of the house small enough to fit. Then she put on the dress and climbed in bed next to Hattie who was sleeping peacefully. The water from the sink rose to the brim of the basin and slowly began to flood the apartment while the beast climbed up the fire escape and into her womb.

The Hawk Mercury

Ashley Mayne

When they pull me out, I tell them I’ve seen a pinecone rolling inside a typewriter, back and forth as the tines spring forward, and I tell them I’ve seen a man who keeps the extinct birds in his belly, two of each. But they hand me a plastic spoon, and tell me today I’m to make what I can of this jell-o. I decide to go along. What’s the point?

      Absolute shite.

      There are stitches. What it means when the cuts are vertical, with the veins instead of across, is that somebody wasn’t kidding around, somebody was serious. And that’s me. One serious kid, Mary Gale Rooney.

      They give me some shite like it’s a miracle I’m here. What a thing that would be. Miracle Rooney, a salty wafer, slowly dissolving as the choir of tired-eyed kids breathes through their mouths, stank morning breath, goo and Saturday night in their eyes, fidgeting, picking their ears, hock of gum inside their cheeks, singing, Fain Would I, Lord of Grace.

      I’m not anyone’s miracle.

      There is a way you are supposed to hold the Gospel Book. My little brother Jamie told me the priest who smelled of piney aftershave, the newish one, Brian, taught him to do it the right way and then gave him a quarter. Show me the quarter, Jamie. No, no, on the way home he dropped the quarter in a street grate. On accident? He shook his head. Why, Jamie? A whole quarter? He didn’t know.

      Every time I see a crucifix, I am afraid it will fall on me. Even the smallest ones, on people’s necklaces. I will be trapped, squirming, under Christ’s urgent, quaking ribs, like Mrs. Bryant’s dog crushed by the wheels of the Heath Street milkman. Jamie can’t sleep, that’s what my brother Danny tells me. He reads all night with a flashlight under the sheets. I won’t be able to breathe ever again.

      Father Brian is the nicest, but he has green teeth. Not really, but only slightly, green-white, clean, like the flesh of an apple. He worries for us with Dad gone, and he told me so. Whatever I can do, he said, you name it. And he smiles sadly, like people do when they’re afraid of you. Worry, worry.

      Bad kids do bad things in the wide back seats of Mercurys. I say I’m afraid of the crucifix, but in a way, I want it to happen. Does that make any sense?

      Beyond the window I can see hills. Where am I? Nowhere near Heath Street. Medford? They look flat and blue, these hills, like fake church basement drama surf made out of cardboard when Noah floats the ark, older kids at the back of the auditorium slouching in the shadows, dope and booze and hands in each other’s laps. Mrs. Atherton had a hawk in her garage. It left a mess on the roof of her son Charley’s Mercury Coupe. Then it flew out in the morning when she opened the door, and I heard her yelling from two floors up, sitting with my curlers and cereal and twiddling the knobs of a radio, watching Sean Waters ride by on his bicycle throwing papers. And from the street, Mrs. Atherton’s startled cry: oh my Gwad, a hwok!

      Sean Waters, sixteen, the oldest paperboy in Somerville. Not that any of us kids have jobs we can be proud of; I was a shop girl on weekends at that grocery on Mystic, till the grabby, green-blind old creeper fired me. Sean’s done the paper route in these parts since he was eight years old, and he knows everyone. He’s not the sharpest tool. Not retarded or anything, but odd. He thinks he’s a lady’s man, Sean Waters. I’m six months older than he is, and he calls me the Sinister Kid. The girls on the block yell things at him, and then talk about him when he’s gone, and he just smiles like nothing matters. Sometimes, he goes about singing. Dreamy Sean Waters on his dreamy bicycle.

      Some kid fell in a hole on a construction site in Medford, and she was stuck down there in the dark. For three days they tried to get her out. Sometimes she would hold a rescue worker’s thumb, they said, all she could reach. Did they get her out, in the end? Mary Gale, you’re dumb as a post, you are. Why a post? That the best you got? Dumb as a fire hydrant, then, for God’s sake, dumb as a box of hair. You weren’t born smart, but you could at least have been good.

      Some holes there’s no getting out of.

      You fly around from one thing to the next. A Jezebel you are, trouble girl, hot for it all day and night and nothing between your ears. You let him, no-good Sean Waters with his black, foxy wave and penny spit and swizzle stick and crooked, poor boy teeth, and you asked him for it, you.

      It’s Dad you take after.

      Does a box of hair feel afraid? I’m not too stupid to make a good job of it, anyhow. They told me so. They used to couldn’t sew it up, even, before modern times, and sometimes they still can’t.

      A sin. But lots of things are. Coat hangers are a sin. Cigarettes are a sin, for you but not for Mother. Too much of a good thing rots your teeth. Anything I can do, you name it, Father Brian whispers through his secret grate. Don’t you ever let them call you stupid; it’s hard being young. But you have your family to think of, your brothers.

      He’s a worrier, Father Brian. You have no choice but to comfort Brian. I can feel his worry, shed in waves into the dark box. Loneliness and the world of adults and Cary Grant pomade, veins showing through the thin, grey skin under his eye. I know he wears square, soft shoes, hospital shoes. I know they’re rimmed with dust from the park across the street.

      Brian looks past me. Then down. It’s a long pair of eyes he has, looking right past you. Pale, fluttering lashes, like he’s about to faint or something. Or maybe I’m just too ugly, too bad, too stupid, for this youngish priest with Brylcreemed hair and nervous, champing teeth. Green teeth. Maybe he can’t bring himself to handle what I bring him, my heart clasped between two warm and sweaty hands. Someone wrote Asson the inside of the confessional box with a ballpoint pen. Noise comes in from the street, girls talking loudly. Brian sighs, hulked in his cage behind the grate. I worry for you, he says. All of you, with your dad gone, and your mother in a state. But you have to be strong. Take care of your brothers.

      I know, I say. I will. Jamie’s well enough.

      I’m so, so sorry.

      It’s okay.

      Is it?

      Yes. It’s going to be all right.

      Another sigh through the grate. Green, sweet air in here, smelling of Crest and tung oil varnish, of Brylcreem and Aqua Velva. Tears. Father Brian doesn’t have anything left for me.

      When it’s done I walk away at a clip, down to the block where I can hide in Mrs. Atherton’s garage, me and the hawk. The strap of my stupid shoe comes unbuckled and flops around. Heath Street smells of tar and ozone, the yellow haze left by a patching crew. An old woman sits on her stoop and yells at me. Slow down, girl, she says. Too hot for all that hurry. Sheehy, that’s her name, curlers in her hair, sitting there next to a concrete fawn. No one on this whole block I don’t know. There are soft places all down the street, gleaming blackly, where the fresh tar bubbles in the heat.

      Hey, Sinister Kid. From the summer pavement, Sean Waters calls to me. Fix your shoe, he says. You’re all bothered, going to break your neck. That’s a nice dress.

      Shut up, Waters. Come over here. I want to show you something.

      He looks both ways, and then he loafs across to my side of the street, fixing his hair on the way.

      Up close in Mrs. Atherton’s garage, all his words sound canned. Hey, Sinister Kid. You spin the dial on the meat barometer. You raise the droplet on the beef thermometer. His voice cracks on him, making him the butt of his own joke. He laughs, I don’t. A brown mattress stands on its end against the wall, lawnmower and tools and rubbish bins and things. Red yard elves, tearfully smiling. Sheesh, he says, Hot in here. His eyes cut to the side, searching for the exit of the garage, on the other side of Charley’s Mercury Coupe. No hawk in the garage today, just the two of us. Where did the hawk go, when it flew out of Mrs. Atherton’s garage? Anywhere it wanted, I guess.

      Up close, Sean’s confidence withers like burnt grass. Sorry, he mutters. I didn’t mean anything. Come on. It’s too hot in here.

      But I want to feel something other than this weight, this churchy stink of loneliness hanging on my clothes.

      It’s not so bad, kissing in the dark of Mrs. Atherton’s garage, snappy come-ons dribbled away to nothing. Dickies and PF Flyers, silly kid whiteys, dark smell of lawnmower. His rough, nice tongue tastes like a penny. Baby, he calls me, like something he heard his dad say. We lean against the fender of the Mercury, then I open the door and we fall into the back seat, and Sean Waters is breathing like a person about to cry, big gulps of air, eyes looped and staring through my head, sticky vinyl everywhere. And it’s nice, I guess. But it’s also like nothing. More of the same, after the shock wears off, and we’re just sort of falling on each other in the Mercury. No feeling, really. We can do it without even thinking, and it doesn’t really change anything.

      In the hawk Mercury, I kick the window accidentally, shoe strap dangling, and my head bumps the ceiling, too much of me in the hawk Mercury. Too much of me everywhere, isn’t it? There’s a sharp, harbor smell in here. And he’s kind of a pantywaist, just staring up at me. What’s wrong with him? Like he’s more of a girl than me, and I’m just bad all alone. I get rough, slamming him, trying to get something more out of him, but he just sits back like he’s going for a Sunday drive, staring at me, lapping the shocks of the Mercury. After a while, Sean Waters sniffs back tears, shrinking, bare ass sticking to the vinyl seat. Sweaty hair: I can smell the warm asphalt out on Heath Street in his hair, even now, in this airless garage, in this up and down seat that is Sean’s lap, which makes a slapping, watery sound.

      I say, Scared?

      He does look scared. Tough bully girl with her dress unbuttoned, that no-good bruiser Mary Gale, up and down in the lap of a paperboy wide-eyed as a concrete fawn. Father Brian, worrying away in his little cage. Sunday. What have you done this time? There’s a spit bubble at the corner of Sean Waters’ open mouth, light floating over its surface for an instant before it breaks, and I think I see the interior of the hawk Mercury, there and on the wet surface of his eyes, its pale windows, curved and upside down. Like a tiny planet, a curved view of the world, only as large as the inside of the hawk Mercury. And why can’t I make it stop, lie down, and be still? Why can’t I just put it all down and go off weightless, floating above myself and the hawk Mercury and the dirty buildings, above these tarry, reeking, hungry days, and why can’t I win?

      Someone wroteAssin the confessional. Bad kids.

      I don’t care. I’m fine. It’s all right. I brace myself on that shelf thing below the rear windshield where Charley Atherton keeps the maps of Massachusetts and a pair of jumper cables. There’s a flyer for Walden Pond. I wish I had some gum.

      Christ on a cracker, Sean says, and white-knuckles my hips, his face straining forward between the cups of a pushup bra. And then he slumps. I keep moving, but he goes still. A yellow handprint on his chest fills slowly with blood where I slapped him, sweat in the black floss of his armpit. The mess. Oh, he says, God, God. So I hit him again, harder. And I say, You’re a dip stick, Waters. You’re a fancy boy. Go to hell. Go throw some papers.

      And he just looks up at me like I’m killing him or something. So I make my hand into a fist, hit him again. Then I’m pounding his breastbone like it’s a wall. He throws his arms up, tries to push me off. The hell are you doing? The hell? And he’s stronger than me, even though I’m on top and heavier than he is, and I grab a clump of his hair to hold on, but he sort of pushes me backward so my head thumps the ceiling and then the window, both of us sliding on the slippery seat, and he reaches behind him, pulls the latch, falls out into Mrs. Atherton’s garage. He runs, pulling up his pants.

      I slump down on the seat, just sitting for a while. I roll down the window. My head fills up with sparks. Just left there. It’s fine, I’m fine. Panties wrapped around my ankle, stupid with the heat. I can see one of his shoes, lying on its side in the garage in a smear of oil and cat litter, and he’s running barefoot down Heath Street just to get away from me. And he’s an idiot, so what did I think?

      Sean Waters. Absolute shite.

      Trash piled in the stairwell, bottles, baby junk. Old Mrs. Harvey’s nameplate with the seals and the fisherman. Jamie’s alone in the hot kitchen, sitting at the table in his undershirt, and he frowns at me as I pass through to stick my red face into the icebox. Grey under his armpits, circles under his eyes. Ten years old, and he looks like a geriatric raccoon. He sits half-crouched on the chair, one knee drawn up under his chin. A fan drones by an open window. Where’ve you been, he says. I’m hungry too, but we don’t have nothing. Not a slice of bread.

      He hugs himself. He turns his head sideways, ear down, listening to his knee. He says, What’s wrong? You look mad.

      In the shower, the razor slips off the edge and into the porcelain trough, rattling between my feet.

      Mary Gale Rooney, mother is a loony. And then they send you to hospital in Medford, and call you Jezebel. My legs are sticky.

      It’s straight down the arm, if you mean it. Don’t be a shite quitter. Don’t let them win. Jamie is humming quietly in the kitchen; I can just hear him, over the sound of falling water.

      Everyone is shocked, supposedly.

      Mystic River, black and stinking. Brown froth brittling up in the reeds, with the trash and dog dirt. Sometimes a white cross blooms up on the surface of the water, floating, caught between the reeds. Long, tapered wings, grey collar, cassock whites: a seagull. The boys from the block go fishing for them, sometimes, throw out the bait, reel them in when the dumb bird swallows the hook. I’ve seen them, down by the Mystic, passing the joint and the bottle, reeling in those brittle, trembling kites. Just to pass the time. Bleeding kites with praying wings, staggered and graceful in misfortune, hocking up fishhooks, falling slowly. I told my brothers never to go with those boys.

      Mother lights a white candle for me. Bobby, Mikey, Danny and Jamie light white candles for me. Brian worries, and lights a candle for me. Maybe even Sean Waters from the block lights a candle; does he know, and did they send him away also, to Medford? Does he swallow pills with orange juice, and look out at the sky, turned the wrong way to see the brown cloud of Boston? Does he say a prayer for Mary Gale?

      Dad doesn’t, I don’t think, because he doesn’t know. Unless he’s lighting the candle anyway, for some other reason wherever he is, last reach of the nightshift, beans and coffee in a tin, smell of the dry park from across the street and Dinah Shore on the radio, Sweet Violets. His fingers, cracked at the pads and stained with ink. His wooly eyebrows. His glasses. Red veins at the wing of his nose, and baked beans out of a can; he taps his spoon. I want him to light the candle, thinking of Mary Gale.